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Friday, 6 May 2011

Square Eyes, Star Charts and Parenting Challenges

With our guests last week we caught up on some films on DVD.

Mr Blighty has been wanting to see "Inception" for ages. 

He loves a bit of sci-fi action.

He also likes films with vampires in them.  (They often feature Kate Beckinsale but I am sure these two things are unconnected). 

And Fast and Furious type car films. 

When I first met him he pretended to like arty French films. Ha! What some chaps will do to get a second date!

WARNING - THIS NEXT BIT CONTAINS A SPOILER RE THE DI CAPRIO INDEX ("DiCex")
I can report that "Inception" is quite baffling and about going into people's subconscious via their dreams.  More importantly I can tell you that old Leonardo does not take his top off.  Not once.  This film scores  0 for DiCex.  I guess the producers weren't willing to stump up the extra $2 million dollars for Lennie to hit the gym...

Anyway, the characters kept going to different levels in the dreamworld and I kept shouting "Yeah Leonardo, let's take it to another level" until Mr B took me out of the room and threatened me with the naughty step.   Anyway, it was actually a right load of old tosh and at the same time v exciting and engrossing





"Grown Ups" promised to be dire but was surprisingly good. High art it is not but it is very well done and funny.  Old school mates who played in a basket ball team are reunited.  Some of it was a bit too close to home: Sandler has to carry his kids outside to get them off the Xbox gizmos and enjoy the fresh air and games outside - and his kids reaction: "But there's nothing to do out here!"


Nasty murder stories are one of my guilty pleasures, so for a couple of days after our guests left I was glued to Thorne.  This is based on a series of books by Mark Billingham, some of which I have read.  Not for the faint hearted.




Just last night I watched "Julie and Julia". I loved it, which is high praise from someone who basically hates cooking.  I had to grin at Julie's mother's reaction to her starting her blog: "But why? Who's going to read it?  Why give yourself more work? You'll make yourself ill, you'll get ill from blogging.."...... and then a few months later her mother saying: "Why haven't you blogged?  What's the matter?  What's going on? You must keep going!" Oh the wonderful loving unpredictability of mothers!



I must admit the films (particularly the gruesome murder ones!!) are a welcome distraction from the fact I am struggling at the moment with this parenting business.  It's probably that Boys 1 and 2 have just got back to Daphnes4Boy$.  I miss them during the day but when I get them back after school and before school, they are over-excited, fractious and highly combustible....in short, horrid. They are either shrieking at each other or me, or both.  It's like living on the set of the Jerry Springer show with two rednecks endlessly slogging it out but with no hope of a commercial break.  But what really makes it harder to bear is, that when Mr Blighty is around, they are angelic.

It goes something like this:

7am - Mr Blighty is leaving for work.
Mr Blighty : "Goodbye boys. Have a nice day."
Boy 1, looking up from his stamp collection which he is carefully sticking into his album:  " Goodbye Papa, I trust you will enjoy a productive and fulfilling day at work and can return home safely to your family who do love you so dearly.... (and other Dickensian type drivel)..
Boy 2, pausing from writing a letter sending money to the poor children living in deprived areas of London such as Eaton Square, " Au revoir Pater, and Godspeed your return to us, I shall remember you in my mid-morning prayers and shall think of you fondly while I help dearest Mama with her welding and bread baking...."

5 minutes later, Mrs Blighty is in the shower, wondering whether to apply conditioner for "hair that's a bit lacklustre and droopy"  to her entire body, when 2 screaming banshees burst into the bathroom, giving Mrs B heart failure..
Boy 1: AAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm going KIIIIIIIIIL you, you fat pig toad penis etc etc I HAAAAAAAAAATE you  you're gonnnnnna DIEEEEEEEEEEE!
Boy 2 : MUUUUUUUUUUUMMY heeeeeelp! He's gonna kill meeeeeee!
Mrs B (trying to dry off with tiny hand towel/ rag for cleaning the windows: "Just stay away from each other and stop winding each other up, stop provoking each other..."
Boy 2: " He's being provocative, he's a big stooooopid gorilla dick face flower bottom who wears girls' pants......."

Exit Boy 2 hotly pursued by Boy 1, they reconvene for bare knuckle fighting and pingpong on the kitchen table etc etc etc until Mrs B looks wistfully at the gin bottle/brochure for one way air tickets (at 7.25am) OR  Mrs B loses tempers, starts shrieking at them to "Stop shrieking" and chases them round and round the table as in  bad Franch farce till they fall to the ground moaning "Oh, head hurts, my vision is blurred, Mummy you have broken my leg/arm/glasses etc....".

But never fear, in this type of situation what you need is to spend 30 mins constructing yet another Star Chart. With a point and reward system so complex, it makes Mr Blighty's tax legislation look easy.   That will show them!





Predictably within 5 mins they have tested, refined, driven a coach and horses through,  and generally exposed, all the conceptual and drafting weaknesses of said Star Chart, so that I end up lavishing  points on them despite, or even because, they have reenacted the Battle of Trafalgar (with live ammo and real water) while singing rude limericks at the top of their voices....


And now this note has appeared on the bedroom door of Boy 2, aged 8.  What is going on in there?  Will the worry never end?

205 comments:

  1. Hello Blights
    I do love me a murder mystery too.
    My daughter saw Inception and said it did her head in.
    Star charts I found to be more trouble than they are worth. I fumbled through with my kidlets (the wine fridge was always stocked) but vividly recall dear Daddy was on a pedestal and I was the Grouch from Hell. Seems to be the norm for most families so don't despair Dahling.
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Anne Marie, thank you for your kind and comforting comments. I am def the Grouch today!! This motherhood business is so weird, you love them and miss them when they are not there but once you get them back, after 2 mins you are ready to murder them! What's all that about then? Nature's way of making sure you are ready to let them go out into the world when the time comes? Or the reason for boarding schools? xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love 5 points for 'Try a New Food' - I can relate. Daughter lived on pasta & pesto & hummous for 15 yrs. Fortunately tastes broaden when they try to impress eachother - spontaneous washing also occurs! Hold on another year or two, you've done the hardest bit!

    Inception? To quote Father Ted 'WHAT was that all about?' xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. oh so funny. you really kill me.

    i loved grown ups too. have you seen due date with zach galifinakis and robert downey jr? omg. i think it should have won the oscar. i actually want to own it.

    xo
    janet

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm the grouch in our happy family/dysfunctional household. I think our son realizes that I probably won't kill him when he gets on my nerves, so he pushes the boundaries on every available occasion (all the time). And I only have one (discounting the wife) evil little bugger to deal with.
    I'll be in Stony Stratford on the 16th/17th/ or 18th of May, so I might bump into you. I'll keep my eyes pealed for the long fluffy tail :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. It will end my dear, it will end. Just make sure you have a bottle on hand at all times.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear Mrs Blighty, What is it with the bath? Why when you can't get them out once they are in won't they go in the first time without beating their breasts and other carry on? Mr LiC boasts about the lack of shouting when I am absent and he is in charge. Hmmm - while this may be so, I am dubious about what the children look like when they go to school, whether they consume any vegetables, or whether there has been any music practice, homework or any bathing. It may also possibly be that he does not notice when his offspring are pummelling each other, being deeply engrossed in the sport on TV. Mrs B, I think the grim reality of motherhood requires the purchase of several cases of French vintage champagne. If we are going to hit the bottle, let us do it in style. Lindaxxx
    PS Mr LiC who has just laughed his way through your post assures me that he has six bottles of Chilean champagne at work to speed me on my way...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Blighty,
    Your Mr B and my Mr B are spookily twins. We fight constantly about movies and now do the your choice/my choice week thingy. He loves loves Nicholas Cage stupid car chase movies and all manner of hideous action flicks. This is the same man thay wooed me with Jean de Florette series but now admits to HATING such films. *Sigh*
    Inception was "What the?" Mr B of course understood it all and was fortunately able to debrief with me other wise i wouldn't have slept for weeks!
    Re chidlren well it comes with the territory. I can now smugly sit back and say poor Blighty as mine are all grown up and adore each other to bits. (Son living away from home since 18 has helped...................... ) but anyway they constanly crack themselves up and how horrble they were to each other and how mental I was. Mr B (mine) left for work at the crack of dawn and came home just as the dear little poppets were going to bed and missed most of the chaos. Then i decided to go back to University in order remain sane and gosh thats when the fun really started.
    Anyhoo they do grow out of it and i think there are better things around than the star charts these days but am clueless as to what is involved.
    Sorry!
    Kate Bx

    ReplyDelete
  9. oh I hear you *unscrews gin bottle cap and pours out a large one for Blighty*

    Son is angelic when Tartarus is home, but as soon as it's just him and I (and this is a full 6 week period we're talking about) he asserts himself as top dog. I'm sure that there is some kind of Freudian thing going on, but I can't be fagged to work out what it is.

    I have tried a star chart - I hope it works better for you than me. I think school was invented purely to stop mothers at the end of their rope from committing infantacide on a epic Roman scale.

    My son carefully watches Monty Don's Italian Gardens PURELY because he wants to remain out of bed on a Friday night until 10pm. He announced last night that he and I would VISIT these self-same gardens and that he quite fancied helping me in the garden today.

    Well, look around - do you SEE him in the garden????? *sigh* me neither.

    Pass the gin back when you're done.

    Ali x

    ReplyDelete
  10. Blighty, once again, you are a saint in tights for managing to make me laugh so hard nearly fell off my chair and for raising 2 boyz. I so agree with you re: the loving them/missing them/asking-yourself-why-you-even-had-them routine. However, I'm with Kate B: you and they will make it through this and grow up to be wonderful persons; my daughter is a prime example.
    All I can say is: get yr mates and go out on girlz nights when possible and drink everything on the menu that ends in "-tini." Also, when home, take LOTS of incriminating photos of your little dahlings in high misbehaving gear to trot out to their girlfriends in a few years. If you really need to get their attentions, tell them you're going to send them to Mrs. Faux Texan in the south of Texas, who needs some small boys on the end of hooks to lure the copperhead snakes and alligators out of her garden.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dear All, fab comments as usual, the comments really are better than the blog! Ali - gin bottle is staying here, buy your own! And so funny about Sonshine and Monty Don - that shows real commitment to avoiding bedtime!! Kate B - yes Nicholas Cage films too and ones where John Travolta is a baddie!! Faux Texan - hi there, love the advice re drinks ending in -ini!
    Ladies - I note alcohol is a constant theme in your comments!!! it's official - children drive you to drink!

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