Memo to Angelic Arthur

Lovely B (cousin of Mr B) is to become a Grandma: her daughter is expecting her first baby. Mr B and I are very relieved, we thought we had put R and her hubs off children.  After all, they have had the opportunity to observe Boys 1 and 2 at close quarters, and it ain't pretty.

It turns out R and hubs have ordered a Perfect Baby, so it won't go in for any  Boy 1 and 2 shenanigans.

Boys 1 and 2 are not impressed by Angelic Arthur (as they call him).   They have decided he needs some pointers for when he hits town, so he does not bring disgrace to the League of Boys.  They have only just forgiven Faux Fuchsia's boy for being such an adorable baby: luckily he has redeemed himself in their eyes with all the cushion action.*

Top Tips for Angelic Arthur

Food should be worn, ditto food containers.

Clear those bookshelves; if you can't reach, stand on the pushalong Thomas your parents will regret buying you (less a toy, more a tactical assault vehicle).  Also clear out inside of drawers until your parents tie up the drawers (that's fine, you can then focus more on the bookshelves).  Also attempt to pull the TV on top of yourself, so your parents end up putting a small portable above toddler level.

 

 

 

Wear a really bad toupe so you look like a 1950s TV host.

 

 

 

 

 

Put EVERYTHING in your mouth, the more unhygienic the better.  Remember, nothing exists until you have clamped your jaws round it.  Ensure that Type A perfectionist mothers never ask you round for a playdate again.. those type of mothers just don't like another kid's drool on their kids' toys...

 

 

Wait till Mum not looking and then pull out about 300 nappy sacks.

 

As Mum wails, look at her sweetly, like this.  Remember, it's good to mess with her mind.

 

 

Fit yourself into unfeasibly small spaces: give Mum a lovely surprise by popping out of the laundry basket like a demented jack-in-the-box...

 

 

Or try ramming something on your head.  But careful, when mothers panic they get creative with olive oil.

 

 

Towards the end of the day, after Mum has cleared up, take it up a notch and empty your toy boxes into the kitchen.  How Mum will laugh...

 

 

 

 

 

 

*But Le Child FF needs to spice things up a bit, how about Nutella on the cushions?  Or a least show Mummy how you can get the top off your sippy cup..go on, you can do it!

Free the Car Park Two and the Price of Celebrity Accessories

Dahlings, how are we all? Eye lash extensions? Really? Me? Nope, but I do have a new vacuum cleaner...yes, I know I have already mentioned it but I have to get maximum mileage of it, what can I say, things are quiet round here.. No, the vacuum cleaner does not have eyelash extensions either.

But the vacuum cleaner is causing me worry. It works fine but it's the name: Sebo.  It's like one of those sleb (celebrity) names like J-Lo, or Lilo or that singing woman Suebo or ScarJo (Scarlett Johansson, apparently).  I am just waiting for Sebo to be arrested after a fight in a nightclub, or some misunderstanding about some jewellery, or for some tapes to turn up on the internet with Sebo engaging in some hardcore, I mean, hard floor, action.  Plus I am in real trouble if it develops a little sleb style substance abuse problem - with the suction on that thing, it's capable of snorting up the entire narcotics output of Colombia in a couple of days...on the plus side it will probably be literally flying so I can ride it to Tescos..

Meanwhile Grandma Whacker and I have become victims of an outrageous Miscarriage of Justice:  we got a parking ticket at the Happy Valleys Shopping Centre car park.  La Whacker has a special parking card (something to do with shrapnel injuries sustained during WW2, the invasion of Poland, I think.  No, I am joking.  It was on the Russian Front).

Anyway, card has faded due to sun and we got slapped with one of those nasty black and yellow stripey numbers.

But don't worry, we are taking our case right to the very top: we have chained ourselves to the 7th floor of the car park and are not leaving under any circumstances* until the ticket has been rescinded.

In other news I have read this.  It is a thriller, set in Newcastle where Lovely B lives and it even mentions Eldon Square, B's shopping centre de choix.



I watched this, it's ridiculous, over the top and I loved it: gun-toting vigilante middle class housewives...just like me and my other mummy friends..

Took my Midlife Crisis Converse to the supermarket today, where they behaved very badly: they refused to go to the minced beef aisle to get the necessary for a lovely cottage pie.  Instead they shot off to the alcohol section and leered at the vodka, before staggering to Frozen Foods in the hope of picking up vulnerable men buying Ready Meals for one...next time I am wearing my Clarks comfort shoes..

Must go, Grandma W wants me to undo her padlock.


*except for comfort breaks and refreshments - they do a rather nice egg and cress sandwich and pot of tea at Marks & Spencers.

The Easter Bunny Hops Off and Other News

Dahlings! Phew!  The Easter hols are over - Boys 1 and 2 went back to school this Thursday..Daphnes4Boyz like to ease themselves gently back into the term, so no sooner have you loaded up the 3 tons of sports equipment into the car and deposited it and boys at the school, then you are back taking it all home again ...in fact in my case I was back at the school within 1 hour as it turned out Boy 2 had left behind his piano lesson* bag...

Here is a visual of our Easter decorations.

Now here is the real picture.

Robo Rat came courtesy of Louise in Townsville - gee, thanks Louise!! Louise sent a huge box of things for the boys, including Robo Tarantula and 2 huge life like rubber snakes.  The rubber snake had a not inconsiderable role in the school production of "Joseph and his Multi-Coloured Dreamcoat"** and now has its own Equity card.

We had fun over Easter - Lovely B and her daughter Lovely R and Lovely A came to stay for the Easter weekend.  We did a little trip to Windsor, it was biting cold, there was a huge queue all the way down  the street for the Castle.  The Queen was at home as the Royal Standard flag thing was flying but she did not ask us in for a cuppa.  One word: Republic.

Instead of taking a nice pic of the Castle for you all, I took a pic of a nearby clothes hire shop - it offers a free jacket with any kilt package.  Of course I found the phrase "kilt package" very amusing.  One thing about having the mental age of an 8 year old is one is rarely at a loss for a laugh..

The Easter hols continued long after the Easter weekend was over. 

To keep myself sane I fell back on my tried and tested remedy of gritty detective novels.

This quartet (known as the Red Riding quartet) is brilliant but not for the faint-hearted;  I don't want to be crude but it's battery and buggery all the way, and that's just the good guys....it's set in Yorkshire in the 70s and 80s and features police corruption and child murders, set against the background of the real life Yorkshire Ripper murders.  The four books  are linked, and I am hoping all will be resolved soon as I near the end of the last book, but somehow I am not expecting a happy ending.

Right, time for some more left over Easter egg.


*Dear Mrs Music Teacher, is it a good sign that after £300 of piano lessons (not that I am counting the cost or anything) Boy 2's only ambition is to play the Crazy Frog theme (what I know as the Beverly Hills cop music) as shown on YouTube?

** to make it more accessible to Daphne's parents it was re-titled "Joseph and his Missoni Knitware"

Shock horror skool hols rampage parents beg UN to intervene

Dahlings!  Boys 1 and 2 are STILL on holiday but I am bearing up well though I can't wait for the little blighters to go back to school and every moment spent with them is precious especially when one of them (or if I am lucky, both) shout "BOGEY" at the top of their voices in the middle of the street.

This is what I look like now, thanks to the whole skool hols experience.

Angry Gorilla Mummys says: "No, I do NOT bl**dy well have PMT, now clear up your toys !"

But there is hope.  We have been Oop North to Newcastle to visit Lovely B.  Every one should have a Lovely B in their lives, thank you B, we had a smashing time.  Also thank you to Lovely B's Daughter and her hubs whom the Boys both adore.

It seems they are very enlightened Oop North re the whole childcare issue.

And yes, I have thought about adoption.  But only about 25 times.  A day.

Holidaze

The last two weeks that the boys have been off school have flown by, full of activity which I can't quite remember! So I will leave it to Boys 1 and 2 to give you a little presentation entitled, well I'll let Boy 1 take it from here..

Boy 1: Our talk today is called "Wot We Did in Our Holidaze, Get Off you Baboon, Mummy said i could put the pics on the 'puter not you"

Boy 2 (lying on floor): noooooo, wanna do pics, don't wanna do presentation, don't wanna, waaaaaahhhhh! I hate it, hate it , no, no, no! Ok, I'll do it. Welcome ladies, to our interesting and informative presentation on our half term programme of activities, we trust you will find it engaging and light hearted, yet with substance and..

Mummy: That's enough, don't overdo it.

Boy 1: The hols were cool as Auntie Lovely B came to stay and we went up to London on the train and bus to meet her. The bus was cool.

Boy 2: yes the omnibus is an extremely convenient and cost effective method of circumnavigating London...

Boy 1: Muuuum, he's talking stoopid again!

(Short break in presentation while artistic differences are resolved, packet of frozen peas applied to bruised head of Boy 1, and Boy 2 spends time in his room)

Isn't that man our Headmaster? No, it's Big Ben, you iddyot!

Boy 1: After the bus Mummy made us go to the Cabinet War Rooms and Winston Churkill Museem which was educaseshunal so was boring. But the cafe was ok.

Boy 2: I assisted Mummy in preparing the guestroom for Auntie Lovely B. When Mummy was apprised of my efforts in this regard she was so pleased and moved she shouted a bit and then burst into tears of gratitude..

Boy 1: Auntie Lovely B settled in.She and Mummy did lots of chatting and some drinking of wine and Mummy was all nice and on bestest behaviour and did not shout even when we played football in the kitchen. After a couple of days Mummy decided it would be Death by Museem. Again. But this museem was quite good as it had lots of ded stuffed animals in it, including huge snaks and tiny fleas. But the cafe was not so good.

Pics of animals at Natural History Museum at Tring, Hertfordshire (Walter Rothschild had an enormous collection of stuffed animals which he donated to the nation; we do feel the animal kingdom must have breathed a collective sigh of relief when old Wally popped his clogs..)


Boy 2: Then Grandma Whacker came to stay too, so she could enjoy the delightful company of her beloved grandsons and the charming Auntie Lovely B. Daddy announced that unfortunately he would be working late.

Boy 1: Mummy put those girlie flowery thingies in Grandma's room and I added an artistic finishing touch, much better.

Boy 1: A few days later Mummy carried on her Death by Museem evil plan and she made Grandma and Auntie Lovely B go too. This time it was a Roman Museem in St Albans, very boring with lots of coins. Even Mummy was bord but she would not let on. But we went for pizza after which was very good.

Boy 2: Then sadly it was time for Auntie Lovely B to return home. We accompanied her up to London and then Mummy declared that it was time for another museum. It is clear that Mummy is evil and also quite mad. It was the Foundling Museum in Bloomsbury.

Pic below, this was the site of the original Foundling Hospital started by a retired sea captain called Sir Thomas Coram; now it is called Coram Fields and is a playground. We met our friends here and had a good play!

Boy 2:Mummy got cross at the museum as she paid and then they would not take us. Mummy shouted that this was not good enough, she thought children could be left there. The museum lady explained that was the old days, they do not take in babies anymore and look after them till they are grown up; Mummy said that was a big disappointment, she had been brought there under false pretences..

Boy 1: Pic above, this made Mummy go all teary, I think she was still upset that she could not leave us in this Foundling place. Anyway, the cafe was quite good.

Boy 1: And then the next day lots of workmen arrived at our house all at the same time with lots of vans all blokking each other in and Mummy said oh no and made 28 cups of tea and 22 cups of coffee...and then Grandma decided to go home and all the vans had to be moved so she could get the Granniemobile out and we sang our lovely song to her to say goodbye:

" Driving long the motorway at a 104

Grannie did a - BOYS STOP! - and blew off the door

The wheels couldn't take it and the car fell apart

All because Grannie did a supersonic.."

And then Mummy shouted "Stop that song right now!" and told us to say goodbye to Grandma nicely and we shouted and waved "Goodbye Grandma Nicely " non-stop till Grandma drove off and Mummy said "Give me strength" and went to make another 35 cups of tea.

Boy 2: It was terribly noisy with all the workmen banging and drilling, but we applied our ear protectors and continued with our computer related amusements

Boy 1: At the weekend we did a bike ride, here is us looking cool like that film TopGun which is Daddy's favourite film ever ...

Left to right, Maverick, Iceman and another guy, but certainly not Goose, that bit always makes Daddy cry, wot a girlie..

Boy 2: The bike ride was near Pinewood Studios where they do filming for films. We came across this sign. Mummy said there should be a sign warning the public about boys of all ages riding bikes thinking they are hotshot fighter pilots training at Miramar...Neaaaaaaah! (fighter pilot noises).

Boys 1 and 2: So that was our hols. How long till Christmas hols Mummy? Mummy? Why you lying on floor??

Expedition Blighty

The Blighty family are off on an expedition OOp North, to visit Lovely B, Mr B's cousin who lives near Newcastle. Lovely B has screwed down all the furniture, hidden the silver and padlocked the explosives cabinet. We all have our wetsuits packed as we will be going boogie boarding in the sea. Risking hypothermia in this way has become a family tradition.

When I went upstairs to pack, I got distracted by this book. I know some of you are fascinated by the Mitfords. They were certainly an interesting lot, and I adore Nancy's novels but some of her siblings' politics were decidedly iffy. There are some jolly photos of Diana and Unity with their great friend Mr Hitler. Oh dear.

I have also been staying up way beyond my bedtime watching this. Do you know it? It's trashy and yet such fun. A model dies, and comes back in the body and with the brains of a female lawyer, but with the model's fashion knowhow and streetwise smartness.

Now try to behave yourselves while I'm away. I know it's hard. Of course the Blighty family will be behaving impeccably at all times. Even when their extremities go blue.

Turnips and Hermes

Below, crowded Kings Cross train station last week. Lovely B was about to take the train back to Newcastle. Kings Cross is not a nice station, especially now compared to St Pancras which has been greatly tarted up since Eurostar has moved there. But renovation work is underway in Kings Cross too. I was greatly amused by Elf and Safety announcements reminding us that cycling, skateboarding and rollerblading were not permitted in the station. So easy to forget and attempt a triple halfpipe on top of all those people. Bye Bye Lovely B! I felt quite folorn, but pulled myself together. I am a grown up, independent woman of today! A lady spoke to me as I was leaving the Kings Cross loos. I had noticed she had been glancing in my direction. I was looking quite smart that day: posh frock on and no obvious foodstuffs on my face. I prepared myself to accept the anticipated compliment graciously. "Excuse me" whispered the lady, "I think you've got your dress tucked up at the back". Oh god, a skirt in knickers situation. Lovely B, come back, I can't last 5 minutes without you, see what happens!



After this unsettling incident I took the bus to Selfridges. I had an idea of buying Mr Blighty some posh decaff coffee. This sign caught my eye. When did turnips become upmarket enough to be sold in Selfridges foodhall? Is there a whole department for them? No sign of any today, maybe not turnip season. Shades of Blackadder's downtrodden stooge, Baldrick, whose dream was to have his very own turnip one day.

Gosh, Baldrick's gone blonde!

No luck with the coffee but I noticed they stock Australian healthfood.

And that stuff Aussies are supposed to put in their sandwiches.

Good grief, has the world gone mad? £16 for tea? Miller Harris are better know for perfumes, maybe you drink half and then splash the rest over yourself??

After the heady atmosphere of the turnip department, I needed to get more down to earth, so I went to the Hermes shop inside Selfridges. I channelled the lovely MaiTai and tried to look nonchalant, as though I pop into Hermes all the time. The sales assistant was not fooled. He asked me to stop taking pictures - ha, too late mate! I ended up telling him all about MaiTai's blog, as otherwise I thought he might call Security and they would work me over in the basement. Worked like a dream, he was very interested and I wrote down her name for him. I think it is very important Hermes know what a fabulous brand ambassadress MaiTai is - before I discovered her blog, I never even knew I wanted a Hermes scarf, now I am getting myself noticed as a security threat in their store!

Below, sumptuousness of their bangles. Drool!

Tiger, tiger etc

Slobber!

The deliciousness of the scarves - dribble!

Below, I think these are called Twillys, MaiTai, help, need your expertise!

No shopping post would be complete without some nail porn. Selfridges stock OPI, good to know!
I considered buying Lincoln after Dark, FF has it. But there is also Lincoln after Midnight - maybe FF has this? It all got too much, plus more expensive in Selfridges than in my humble beauty wholesalers!

Below, very smart OPI set up but I am rather worried by the girl on the right, she seems to be pouring nail varnish over her body, very sloppy technique! The Nail Polish Hoarder would not approve!

Below, view of Selfridges from the balcony of M&S cafe, never knew the balcony was there before.

In M&S I bought Mr Blighty some clothes, since my coffee search had been fruitless and I felt guilty about spending money on everyone except him. Mr B used to be very designer, Armani suits and ties, Ralph Lauren, but Since Children he has scaled back, bless him, and hardly ever buys clothes. Most of this did not pass the Mr Blighty test of not looking sissy but surprisingly he likes the flowery shirt. Yes, Mr Blighty, don't be afraid to get in touch with your inner flower child!

And that is quite enough shopping for the time being! It was tough, all the eating, drinking, and shopping that Lovely B and I did. But I kept focused, kept going, there were hard times, gruelling times, testing and challenging, I had to dig deep. But it was worth it, Lovely B gave me an award. So proud!