Cyber Sulk?

Well as cyber sullks go, that was quite exceptional. 

Except I wasn't sulking. Honest.

I just seem to have been soooo busy.

So I hired Top Management Consultant Anders Hoch  to review operations at Blighty Inc and make recommendations on how to improve productivity.

Here are excerpts from his report, with my reaction in italics.

Taking Blighty Inc. Forward  Into the 20th Century*

* Anders old chap how much wine did you have at lunch exactly?

Scope of Review

We were asked to review all domestic operations of Blighty Inc.  We observed operations at Blighty HQ and interviewed key personnel in Catering, Procurement, Staff Training, Laundry Services, Hygiene and Health Services, Transport, Policing and Judicial,  Social Activities and Sport (which in this report will be collectively referred to as MUM).
Er, that's  me I think...

We also spoke to the Chief Executive Officer and Finance Director.  So Mr B gets the fancy job title, typical

We had a brief interview with the junior members of the Blighty Inc. team but they were very busy watching telly and were unwilling to fully enter into a dialogue  you mean they ignored you completely as they were watching re-runs of Top Gear on Dave TV


Scope of Activities

The breakdown of MUM activities during a typical working day are:

23%  reading gossip on the Daily Mail website
27% drinking tea, reading fashion blogs
2% furiously carrying out domestic tasks in state of guilt and quiet frenzy
12% looking for reading glasses
5% reading thrillers and detective novels
5% answering cold calls on telephone from insurance companies and acting delightfully dizzy and charming while telling them to get lost
4% ringing Grandma Whacker back and apologising for being so rude under misapprehension that she was selling car insurance and of course you don't mean her to do that with her insurance policy

5% watching X Factor with Mr B and putting on silly Northern accent and exclaiming "oooh Gary has such kind eyes, I really feel he understands me and my journey" and falling off sofa with laughter inventing sob stories for contestants: "It would mean the world to me to win X Factor as I have a conjoined twin who is currently in prison  and a granny confined to a wheelchair by terminal flatulence..."
77% watching junior executives playing rugby in a light drizzle
86% watching junior executives playing football in a light drizzle
34% attending to sports related injuries
36%  sports psychology counselling
7%  cobbling together costumes for school theme days (" I know it's a fitted sheet but well- to- do Romans would definitely have worn fitted sheets, honest!")

10% watching The Killing, exciting Danish police thriller
45% providing taxi services to Blighty junior executives
42% struggling to help with Maths homework


Key Recommendations

• MUM is a very inefficient member of the Blighty team; her role needs to be more focused, and preferably carried out by someone else with better motivation and better skills re work product delivery do you mean get a cleaner?  Yay!
• MUM to attend management training course and be reprogrammed
• MUM must be denied access to the Internet
• MUM to give up tea and novels
• MUM to stop watching X Factor But Gary is the only man who really understands me
• junior executives to give up rugby and football and instead take up needlework at home
• MUM to accept that never going to get through 100 hours of The Killing so return the DVD the library NOW
• junior executives to learn to drive They are only 9 and 10 so this might be a bit tricky

So there we have it.  I am going to be re-programmed.  I  will be dynamic, efficient and focused. 

Just as soon as I've had a cup of tea and a little sit down.. and a look at the Daily Mail website...

Mouth Guards And Other Daphnes4Boyz News

Just two days ago Boys 1 and 2 returned to the country club cunningly disguised as a school, known as Daphnes4Boyz*. Of course, now it's the weekend, so we are having a well-earned break..again..don't want to burn ourselves out too soon..

To keep us poor befuddled parents on our toes there have been a few changes:
The Library is now the Drama room/second dining hall;
The Drama studio is the now the Library;
The School Uniform Shop is now the Geography Room;
The Store Cupboard is now the School Uniform Shop;
The Headmaster has swapped offices with the Bursar;
The Bursar is now a man**;
No motor vehicles*** are allowed to drive through the school, except the school minibus which will bear down on you unexpectedly just as you are bending down to tie up Boy 1's laces;
Mr Gummage the Science Master's hair has changed colour., to darkish brown with alarming gingery undertones.

Other things remain the same:
the Changing Rooms remain on an entirely different Time Zone to the rest of the school - 5 minutes inside their humid portals equals 1hour 10 minutes in the outside world; for example, Boy 1 "pops in" to collect his kit mid-September and comes out just in time for Christmas...
the amount of kit required by each boy equals body weight of boy x 5 kilos + 2 bricks + weight of one medium sized classmate gagged, bound and shoved in bag but deduct engine size of Range Rover or other deluxe 4x4  but add on weight of  1 cement mixer if you walk home..

Here at Blighty HQ we have been thrown into despair and dismay by the non-fitting of Boy 2's fancy schmancy bespoke mouth guard****, needed for that violent mudfest called Rugby. The mouth guards arrived, moulds having been taken of small boys' mouths - quite which small boys I know not..  Cue application of boiling water (to mouth guard of course), attempts at remoulding (mouth guard, not Boy 2), wailing, shrieks of agony, predictions of thwarted rugby glory etc.


Never mind.  Another change is that there is now a MAP, yes a MAP of  the playing fields which will be written up to allow parents to work out exactly which pitch their son is playing on.

No longer will I have to wander around the entire playing field trying to spot my offspring - let's face it, they all look the same in the mud, all arms and legs and pinky-white and jiggling about...

Damnation!  I can no longer claim to having arrived on time for the match but to have been terribly delayed by  not being able to locate the exact pitch..





*formerly known as Daphnes4Boy$ but rebranded over the summer hols due to the US debt crisis and the loss of that country's AAA credit rating, payment of school fees can now be made in gold or copper.
** result of new appointment, not gender reassignment.
*** legacy of Archgate - when delivery lorry over-optimistic about height of arch linking school buildings so took a few important bits of the arch with it on its way through.
****it seems this blog is in danger of turning into an outpost of the British Dental Association.

Time Management Blighty Style

Now the boyz are back at school I have from about 8.30am to 4pm each weekday to Achieve Stuff and perform Housewifely Duties. ( Still no news yet on my Nobel Prize for Housework, some Peruvian chap got one for literature and he had only written about 35 books and plays, I have definitely vaccuum-cleaned more times than that, well, if you count next year's Spring cleaning).

Today I knew I had to be back at the school earlier though to watch Boy 2 play rugby. Last night we were treated to a mini-drama of performance anxiety along the lines of "no, no, I don't want to play rugby, please Mummy, no, no, no." That Peruvian chap should write a play about that. By this morning the mini-drama had resolved itself into "Mum, am I captain?"

So I thought I would share with you my time management skills in a deadline type situation - or as Linda in Chile has told me these management types say" Delivering deliverables in a restricted bandwith scenario".

Step 1

Return from school drop off, make toast, switch on iron, put vaccuum cleaner ready in hall

Step 2

Switch on computer, check emails, then spend 30 mins searching for a nail polish blog you think you saw the other day; in doing so check out 19 other polish blogs; spend 30 mins looking at Miss Kitty Cat's lovely bloggie which you have only just discovered and which is fab - shoes, dresses, more shoes, hotels, shoes, handbags, and did I mention the shoes, to die for?! Post lots of comments on her blog in manner of creepy stalker

http://misskitty-catgoestotown.blogspot.com/

Step 3

Call from Mr Blighty - have you seen email about important parents evening? Er, no. Mentally chastise yourself for bad mothering etc, search for email, realise you have not seen it as email so cluttered up with junk; strangely spam folder full of stuff you actually want to get like lovely picture from Louise ( a very nice, funny lady who faithfully comments on my blog - hi ya Louise!)

Spend 45 mins deleting, un-junking, junking and generally techno faffing

Step 4

Realise with horror that it is now 11 am and toast uneaten; scurry off to kitchen, falling over vaccuum cleaner on the way (who the bl**dy hell left that there!!%$$***)

Step 5

Consume cold toast, put tea in microwave for reheating

Step 6

Realise with horror that have left iron on upstairs; start ironing frantically

Step 7

Return to computer where for reasons not clear to yourself spend time looking at day spa treatments in swish upmarket health/golf club and wondering whether you should book in for the pre-wedding package (had no idea I was getting married, life is full of surprises)

Step 8

Return to earth, realise with horror that kitchen bin is less than fragrant, frantically action bin renewal operation (=empty the bin), fall over vaccuum cleaner again.

Step 9

Decide to Go Out as nice weather and need to return library books and take recycling mountain to recycling centre; place books and recycling in hallway

Step 10

Pick up car keys, then find yourself upstairs vaccuuming madly, dusting, humming etc

Step 11

Bring vaccuum cleaner downstairs, fall over recycling

Step 12

Now 1pm; must Push On; arrive at library and have nice relaxed chat with librarian about her nail polish ( "Nail polish bringing people together"); then spend 25 mins wondering whether you need to see important film about Afghan goatherders or whether a romcom might be more fun

Step 14 ( there is no step 13 as I don't hold with silly superstitions)

Arrive back at home about 1.35pm. Realise need to leave for rugby match at 2.15pm. Decide now a good time to make cup cakes, eat lunch and paint fingernails (green to match cardigan).

Step 15

2.20pm - bl**dy hell what moron decided to paint their nails, there is green polish everywhere but on actual nails

2.25pm - bl**dy hell what moron put these cakes in the oven, they are not cooked but need to go to rugby; cannot put on oven gloves due to nail polish not being dry

Step 16

2.35pm Arrive at rugby, note that at least 5 matches are going on, cannot tell which one Boy 2 is in. Find team, start cheering enthusiastically, realise that this is not Boy 2's team.

Find Boy 2's team, just in time to see Boy 2 leave pitch as he has been substituted off..

Step 17

Return home with Boys 1 and 2; find cold cup of tea in microwave

Of course, you can't all expect to achieve this level of time management immediately, it has taken me years to perfect this technique..

Exciting times

Quick post today, as the excitement here at Blighty HQ is overwhelming.


Boy 2 has his first (tag) rugby match this afternoon so we are all turning out to watch. The boys got their bespoke custom fitted mouthguards yesterday so (if my earlier experience of Boy 1 and his peers is typical) they will spend most of the match standing around fiddling with said guards and lisping unintelligibly to each other, and all with profuse amounts of spit. The actual game will be very much a secondary event.


And I will be in state of angst that bespoke custom fitted mouthguard will get lost in depths of changing rooms and I will have to take out another loan to replace it.


For the price I expect it to come in a blue Tiffany's box

Further excitement as Mr Blighty has decided to buy a leaf blower thingie. He has been on the phone since early this morning grilling various garden equipment suppliers - the keywords seem to be "Stihl" "Blow" "Vac" "Shred" "Leafmaster Supreme Hero Deluxe" "The Green Commander Overlord"; you can get ones with just blow, or for an extra £30 you get ones that blow and suck and have an extra nozzle. How super! But why can't he just use my Parlux hairdryer? And what if the children get sucked up into it? Actually, what a great idea, I could market this as a toddler control tool! Mr B approves of expenditure on Important Manly Equipment, as opposed to fripperies like food and washing powder.


Meanwhile I have been getting up to speed with religious issues, in case the Pope drops by in the course of his UK visit - to chat, one spiritual leader to another. Say what you like about the Catholic Church, they sure know how to accessorise. Lovely use of gold and red and purple too.

Grandma Whacker ( my muvver) took me to see these films when I was a young Blighty ( a Blightling?) and I loved them, I was very into Tudors and Henry VIII ( a ruthless despotic wife killer is always such a great role model for children). I particularly loved these films as they featured heroines wearing lovely dresses who got their heads chopped off. Weird. Perhaps this explains my retail therapy followed by guilt/punishment issues??
I was particularly struck by the bit in Mary Queen of Scots where Lord Darnley is ill in bed with the pox and then gets murdered. I did think it was a bit sad he had chicken pox and his Mummy wasn't there putting on calamine lotion.

Finally, as if all this activity was not enough, I am off to clean the kitchen window. It's actually a beautiful autumn day here, not foggy after all (that' s just the window).

STOP PRESS: Mr B has returned triumphant bearing new leafblower. What a beauty. That should keep him busy.