Right Now

Right now we are all about....

Laundry.

Who knew coal mining was on the curricculum at Greggs Grammar?

Christmas trees

Multiple pairs of trainers for our sporting activities

Is Boy 2 a centipede? Why so many shoes? No wonder he staggers up the drive on the way to school. Cue maternal guilt at making boys walk to school.

Trying to eat our Santa hat.

Scarfing it up. 

Photo above from the Scarf Forum, I need to buy a melon, will it count as one of my 5 a day? (it's tutorial on how to tie an Ascot cowl knot, apparently). How do I balance it on my head?

Meet Chicken* my only friend.  She is helping me sell some Hermes scarves on  Evil Bay.  If you are interested, I'm pudfish63.

* Called Chicken because she is headless.  Groan.

She is already misbehaving, all super-modelly, tantrums, wants a private jet and Cristalle champagne..I now suspect the head removal was all part of an extreme celeb weight loss fad.

Above and below,  Hermes Sous les Branches de L'Ombu

Books.  This one was interesting - I did not know that Talitha Getty was the granddaughter of Augustus John and had forgotten that old David Bailey was married to Catherine Deneuve.

 

 

 

Bargain Diane von Furstenburg dresses from the Bay of Evil.

Migraines.  Bane of my life.  Any tips? 

What are you All About these days?

TTFN

Monty Dog and the Prize Paw Draw

How the heck did I get up here?

Dahlings, sorry I had a bit of a hiatus there (but don't worry, I can get it seen to on the National Health).

Grandma Whacker has been to stay.
 

Everyone is impressed when I tell them she drives herself from the Cotswolds to our house (resolutely all the way in the middle lane of the motorway I suspect).  They say things like, " Wow, that's brilliant, at her age," and "Let me know when she is travelling so I can take a different route."  All joking aside, she really is an excellent driver.

Unlike her daughter - today Mr B was washing the car and took me on a trip down memory lane: "This is where you scraped against the scaffolding lorry" and "This is where you hit the skip. "  To be honest I could not remember half of the alleged bumps, but hey, good times, people, good times...   I had a lot to contend with back in our London days, what with the constant problem of finding a parking space, two wriggly toddlers yodelling in the back, in particular Boy 2 (aged 4) who liked to sing along to Johnny Cash "Ring of Fire"...with just a slight time delay so you thought you had a evil pixie echo..

Boy 2

Johnny Cash during his hell raisin' Ring of Fire days before he was tamed by the love of a good woman
taken home for a bath and bed

 

Some of us made slight adjustments to our routine during Grandma Whacker's visit:

Here's Boy 1.

Here's Mr B.  

I think he should market these to all men whose MILs come to stay.  

Now on to business - I finally did the prize paw draw for the book - the brilliant thriller wot my friend wrote.

  It got a great review the other day in the Daily Mail no less, so don't miss it! review here

You will be pleased to hear that the draw was carried out under the strictest conditions.

Protective goggles were worn (almost).

Names were written down on pieces of paper. .

 
 They were then placed into the hi-tech Dogatron (patent pending, the US government is interested in this technology for the next Presidential election).

 

 

 

 

 

 Then our top scrutineer carefully selected, on a totally anonymous basis, one of the pieces of paper.

  

 

.

After a quick lunge and grab operation, we were able to get the paper out of the scrutineer's mouth and the slighty soggy winner is:

 

LPC! 

Dear LPC, congratulations my dear and I shall be in touch! To everyone else, thank you for taking part and sorry you didn't win (but at least you are not covered in dog saliva..)

Right better go, it's Sunday evening here and while Boy 2 has of course broken up from school for a week already ("Daphnes4Boy, A Few Weeks At School, Long Summers by the Pool", registered trade mark) Boy 1 still has one more week to go ("Greggs Grammar, Keeping them off the streets since 1635").

De Retour *

Right dahlings, listen up, haven't got much time before I meet Liz Hurley for lunch/zoom round Tescos etc.

Basically, it's been constant glamour and loveliness here: one very naughty dog, gallons of  mud, one chewed up sofa, two pre-teen/teen boys ("But I had a shower yesterday!"), me and my increasing resemblance to the love child of Norma Desmond and Blanche Dubois and  Mr B, trudging bravely on amid the chaos, hoping for a nice quiet cup of tea and a browse of the Hayter lawnmower catalogue.

Here are some visual aids:


Monty dog the Border terrier as a pup

Monty dog as he is now.

He is IN DISGRACE as, to celebrate  the very first night of our new kitchen floor*, he (stop reading now if you are of a delicate disposition) wee'd on it....and in a most cunning manner: having carefully studied the lay of the land, he chose a spot where almost all evidence ran away UNDER the fridge/freezer.  Nothing says glamour like crouching down shoving a dusting stick thingie under the fridge at 7am shouting, "Actually I hope it is wee, otherwise the freezer is leaking!"

Further visuals:




Mud as experienced as new dog owner during the wettest winter ever.

Bluebells in the woods.

Me grinning like a maniac, with 2 hours worth of make up and special lighting from the film studio (Norma, I told you)  in the lovely MaiTai's collage of ladies wearing their Hermes. Yes, I have caught Scarflet Fever,  a seriously bad dose...

Now, it's not all glamour round here, no, we also nurture ourselves intellectually and culturally:  I have a met a lovely lady while dog walking, she also has a Border Terrier, Maggie (she views Monty with cautious disdain, as he rolls in unspeakable substances or steals other dogs' toys).  Here is a visual of Monty and Maggie, he has a wolfish Jack Nicholson grin as he has finally managed to lure a girl back to his place:

Maggie's owner is not only a Border terrier wrangler, a practising psychologist and mother of two boys but also a newly published author of a thriller.  How impressive is that?  I have read it and it is fab, it had me totally gripped:

Scene  - the kitchen, one night, late
Mr B: What are these meatballs doing here?
Me: (head in book, totally absorbed) They are de-frosting
Mr B (sounding anxious): So shall I just leave them there?
Me: Mmmm, what ? yes.
 Mr B:  (hovering) But will they be ok, they are not in the fridge?
Me: (in ever so slightly exasperated tone): Yeah, they'll be fine
Mr B: But ....
Me: THEY ARE DEFROSTING LEAVE ME ALONE !!!!! UNLESS YOU WANT TO SEEK MEDICAL HELP TO REMOVE MEATBALLS FROM..
Mr B: ok, ok, I was only asking..

Yes, it's the sort of book you can't stop reading, and any interruptions cause resentment possibly followed by violence..

As a bonus, the thriller is partly set in our corner of the world in Buckinghamshire and there is even a passing shout-out to our local Tesco, what more can one want?

Now, to celebrate  compensate for my return to blogging, I am proposing a GIVEAWAY of a SIGNED copy of this book.  All you need to do is
 a) follow my blog and
 b) leave a comment below headed GIVE ME A FREE BOOK, telling me your most recent high glamour moment (either real glamour or my version of "dog wee under fridge"glamour).

All "entries" for the book giveaway should be made by 30 June, I will then write names of all entrants on pieces of paper and see which piece Monty dog tries to eat....that's definitely fair! Of course, if he manages to eat the paper completely we may have to wait a day or so before we get the result...anyone disputing the judge's decision can come and examine the results themselves.

Right, there are strange noises coming from the kitchen, think Monty Dog might be making further improvements to the kitchen floor.


* Pretentious, comme toujours
** Monty Dog ate chunks of the original floor

It was not me...also I appear to have turned into an Ewok thingie from Star Wars

Menopaws and the Scottish Play

Dahlings, hello! Thank you all for your nice comments after my whinge about follower decline....I think that's done the trick - no one has dared unfollow since! Welcome to Hotel California Blighty - you can check out but never ever leave (is it just me or is that song really creepy? )


It's all going really well so far today - I have completely traumatised Boy 2 (aged 10).  Last night I watched him and his classmates prance about in black T shirts and trousers doing highlights of Macbeth.   As usual I was stuck in the corner, behind the father who used to play rugby and the father videoing it all. I couldn't actually see Boy 2.  Jeez, what if I got the night wrong and went to the other class's performance??  I am pretty sure it was Daphnes4Boyz though, what with the state of the art mini-theatre complex, complete with hospitality suites, private boxes (for parents with over 4 boys at the school), crush bar, sur-titling facilities and the sponsorship of Kleinwort Bunsen ("Sponsoring education since 2001: our financial products are like your children - expensive and impossible to understand!").

This morning I got all YouTube-y and showed Boy 2 the Polanski Macbeth beheading scene.  I remembered it as very jolly, especially as Macbeth kept saying his lines as his head bounced down the steps.  Boy 2 however burst into tears and I had to go and confess to his teacher what I had done. Note to self: if any doubt remains about my suitability as mother/primary teacher/any situation where tact and sensitivity is involved, it has now finally been removed. At this rate I could be an MP or a tabloid journalist..

Shakespeare aside, here spring has sprung and naturally my thoughts have turned to getting a cat.  What?????!!!

pic from Cats of Australia!!

Yes, suddenly last week I was consumed with the idea of a cat and before I knew it I was in talks with a breeder, as I have fallen for British shorthairs. It turns out that the breeder  has a lovely, grown up cat she is looking to re-house, as she is giving up breeding.  He is a retired stud, which you can imagine has created great scope for jokes. She was explaining how proud he had been of his "pompoms" and it took me a minute to realise what she was talking about - the old chap has now been neutered.  Poor Mr B is in shock (and not just about the de-pompom-ing) and I am dragging him off to see The Old Stud Sans Pompoms this weekend.  I think it all may be my hormones - The Menopaws  -  to be honest, anyway we shall see! In the meantime I have been looking at Lovely Jublies blog, which is great fun of itself and now has the added attraction of her two beautiful cats.

In other news I read this which was beautifully written but very bittersweet, in fact sad.  Great review of it here

Pic from Booksnob blog

I am now reading this.

pic from Amazon

 I am rather sated with all my murder/detective novels and have been casting around for some more light hearted, soothing reading, with some decent prose and some light decapitation.  The Elizabeth Taylor book made me realise how most of what I read is very plot driven but often with quite ropey writing and very little in the way of serious beheading.

What do you chaps turn to, to cheer you up?  I mean BOOKS!! I do not want to hear your sordid tales of vodka, Mars Bars and Dennis Quaid in the Big Easy ! (oops, actually that's me).

Watch out for the gator baby!

I had a lovely look at the Persephone website. They specialise in 20th century writers who have fallen out of print. So the hope of some charming writing and plus, the covers and endpapers are lovely.  Tempting.  I just happen to notice they have a shop in Covent Garden, London....

Pics from Persephone website

Better go, Grandma Whacker is coming to stay.  Another reason to regret the Macbeth beheading upset.  Better go wipe my YouTube history and get Mr Quaid off pause..or should that be "paws?"

And then my pants dropped off

 

Dahlings, how are you? I am pleased to report that our local Shorts Wearing Man is still at large, with daily sightings of him and his legs. I now have to sing a short refrain of "it's crazeey, crazeey, shorts wearing man!" whenever I drive past him, I just can't not do it. And  I am wondering what on earth will happen if it actually gets hot this summer - stay tuned for possible update on Crazy Naked Man and/or local mother drives car into hedge in state of over-excitement.

This week the boys popped back into school for a spot of learning before the next set of holidays.

To celebrate* I took myself off to Bicester Village (luxury brand discount outlet and my spiritual home).

Loved this dress but even discounted it was £££££

 

Shockingly, I bought very little. I saw a tweet a while ago along the lines of "My woman-ness is
broken, I can't shop" and I felt just like that, the pathos was overwhelming.

 

 

Marni

 

 

Loved the dress on the right but even discounted it was ££££££

 

 

 

Above and below Jimmy Choo

 

 

I came home with only liquid handwash and L'Artisan Parfumeur Mandarin eau de toilette.  When I told Mr B I had bought some mandarin perfume he asked why I wanted to smell like an ancient Chinese bureaucrat- ha ha Mr B, ha ha.

In yet another exciting new fashion development I have decided pencil skirts are the Way Forward** - ones in stretchy material, though, for comfort and ease of movement.




 I have decided they are more flattering for the older figure and also will eliminate the problem of  "accidental lower back exposure" aka builder's bum.  I have jeans from Zara which are cut too low. Recently the boys have been shouting "UUUUURHHHG MUM NO, we can see your bum, uuuuuuurh! !" when I bend down to feed one or other of the domestic appliances. It's not the kind of reaction I wish to inspire in young men.

I have taken the plunge and ordered these.  I look forward to returning them shortly. And to be honest, forget the skirts, I would rather hire one of these lovely, fresh faced, perky young ladies to come look after the household for me while I lie around on the sofa...

Zara - I clean your toilet now yes?



 

Asos - after I hoover I will go wash the car and then mow the lawn, ok?



Monsoon

In other exciting fashion news, Grandma Whacker has appointed me her personal stylist.  Move over Rachel Zoe (and stop making Skyler wear those hats): I am now Stylist to the Stars.  La Whacker is contemplating some Spring fashion purchases to take her through her many social  engagements.  We all know it will end in Marks and Spencer but in the meantime I think these jackets would suit the Big G very well.

Monsoon

In  other news I read this recently.





It made a big impression on me.  It's the true story of an attempt by the Czech Resistance in WW2 to assassinate Reinhard Heydrich, the Nazi Protector of Czechoslovakia and one of the architects of the Holocaust, and all round despicable human being.

 It's not a cosy read obviously given its subject matter, but I thought it was brilliantly done. It helped in terms of suspense that I was ignorant of this chapter of history; if you already know what happened, that might change your experience of the book.

 From reading the book blogs, I gather the novel is an example of "meta fiction", where there is a story within a story: the author recounts the book writing process and also plays with the conventions of the historical novel, telling a bit of the story and then in the next chapter revealing that he invented various details.  This has irritated certain readers but I liked it, I thought it was honest and made his account seem more trustworthy, not less, by showing that many details in historical accounts have been "filled in" by the author.

 Other commenters have also been upset by what they felt was the author's flippant tone and it is true he makes quips, but I found this understandable as a release valve: it helped to bear the horror of what he was describing.  I could not have coped with a highly charged account of the brave Resistance and the Nazi atrocities. As it was, I often had to lay the book down, exclaim "Bastards"" to myself and then carry on reading (which livened things up on one occasion when Mr B mistakenly thought I was referring to Boys 1 and 2, locked at that moment in fraternal combat).

I followed up with this - an eco end of the world novel - gosh, I am cheerful. 

What are you chaps reading at the moment?  Any nice, light, feel good books you can recommend, to balance things up?

Now, it has come to my attention that my follower numbers are sliding, a bit like my ill-fitting jeans.  Right you lot,  remember, IF YOU DARE UNFOLLOW ME, I WILL COME FOR YOU AND SHOW YOU MY TROUSER GAPPAGE IN FULL TECHNICOLOR AND IN CLOSE UP. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.***


*wicked mother
** previous Ways Forward have included shirts and jeans, dresses, tunics with skinnies, gingham, leopard skin, monochrome, jewel colours, pastels, neon, colour blocking, nail varnish, full make up, no make up, tracksuit bottoms, pyjamas,  Converse All Stars, high heels, no heels, no knickers (not really, just checking you are still awake), brogues, loafers, UGG boots....sartorial confusion is a cruel mistress
***there goes another couple of followers