Memo to Angelic Arthur

Lovely B (cousin of Mr B) is to become a Grandma: her daughter is expecting her first baby. Mr B and I are very relieved, we thought we had put R and her hubs off children.  After all, they have had the opportunity to observe Boys 1 and 2 at close quarters, and it ain't pretty.

It turns out R and hubs have ordered a Perfect Baby, so it won't go in for any  Boy 1 and 2 shenanigans.

Boys 1 and 2 are not impressed by Angelic Arthur (as they call him).   They have decided he needs some pointers for when he hits town, so he does not bring disgrace to the League of Boys.  They have only just forgiven Faux Fuchsia's boy for being such an adorable baby: luckily he has redeemed himself in their eyes with all the cushion action.*

Top Tips for Angelic Arthur

Food should be worn, ditto food containers.

Clear those bookshelves; if you can't reach, stand on the pushalong Thomas your parents will regret buying you (less a toy, more a tactical assault vehicle).  Also clear out inside of drawers until your parents tie up the drawers (that's fine, you can then focus more on the bookshelves).  Also attempt to pull the TV on top of yourself, so your parents end up putting a small portable above toddler level.

 

 

 

Wear a really bad toupe so you look like a 1950s TV host.

 

 

 

 

 

Put EVERYTHING in your mouth, the more unhygienic the better.  Remember, nothing exists until you have clamped your jaws round it.  Ensure that Type A perfectionist mothers never ask you round for a playdate again.. those type of mothers just don't like another kid's drool on their kids' toys...

 

 

Wait till Mum not looking and then pull out about 300 nappy sacks.

 

As Mum wails, look at her sweetly, like this.  Remember, it's good to mess with her mind.

 

 

Fit yourself into unfeasibly small spaces: give Mum a lovely surprise by popping out of the laundry basket like a demented jack-in-the-box...

 

 

Or try ramming something on your head.  But careful, when mothers panic they get creative with olive oil.

 

 

Towards the end of the day, after Mum has cleared up, take it up a notch and empty your toy boxes into the kitchen.  How Mum will laugh...

 

 

 

 

 

 

*But Le Child FF needs to spice things up a bit, how about Nutella on the cushions?  Or a least show Mummy how you can get the top off your sippy cup..go on, you can do it!

Costume Drama

Boy 2 - are you sure penguins are endangered?

 Dahlings, you know how I like to give useful parenting advice from time to time?  Well here I go again.

Once you have a child
If you are expecting a baby
If you are thinking about having a baby
If there is any possibility of contact with a member of the opposite sex, then
 you need to hire a small warehouse NOW and stock it with the following items:

N.B. this is not going to be a list  of baby paraphenalia, no, that's easy, you can pick that up anywhere, what I am talking about is hardcore preparation for the horror that is School Costumes. Because from the minute your offspring hits nursery, it will be required to dress up in clothes which are not its own;  I estimate that in any given month during school term, Boys 1 and 2 spend 8 days at least not in their own clothes. I sometimes wonder if our children are being prepared for a life in pantomine. And, very important this bit, you will often get 0 days notice that a costume is required because your child will have lost the letter/you won't have got the email and you will find out by chance at the eleventh hour when your child's friend phones up to ask what national monument your child is going as, as his Mummy has just knitted him a Taj Mahal outfit but he is not sure if that is ok, and she only has the Eiffel Tower which she made out of meringues last year for his sister as back up.....

i know it does not look anything like a polar bear but it was the best I could do ok?

1. Polar bear,  brown bear, sheep, cow, mouse, dog, cat, elephant, hippo, giraffe, any other animal you can think of,  outfit
2. Bunch of grapes outfit - including purple balloons but be careful to check your child's weight against number of balloons otherwise you will have to contact Air Traffic Control
3. Mexican outfit including large fake moustache which will get lost at school and later be found under glass in the Year 8 Biology Lab
4. Greek outfit (but not soldier as schools do not like weaponry and war-like stuff as creates wrong atmosphere at playtime)
5. Celtic outfit - something mud coloured with a bit of tartan thrown in; they will go to an outdoor Celtic camp and build fires and make clay pots and return wearing something tartan with a lot of mud thrown over
6. Roman outfit (same as Greek outfit, explain to your child Romans were big thrift shoppers)
7. Tudor outfit (note, most boys do not like going as Anne Boleyn)
8. Endangered animal outfit*
9. Amusing polka dot outfit
10. Amusing pyjama outfit (need special nice pjs, cannot let the world see the normal scrotty pants and old vest, both with embarassing holes in, actually used for sleeping)
11. Footballer outfit (must be current home or away strip of team of choice)
12. Outfits in colours of all national flags worldwide (worth contacting the UN or an international affairs think tank for list of countries most likely to be fighting for democracy over next few years so you can really focus in on these)
13. There is no number 13 as I am in no way superstitious
14. Assorted Halloween outfits - they will start out as cute little ghosts before graduating to Dr Death and Freddie Kruger and having to be told they can't borrow Dad's chainsaw for the evening
15. Assorted Easter bonnets - if you can manage one with real butterflies, baby chicks and lambs on, that would be good
16. Assorted Christmas hats - start with a cute snowman and then later they get max kudos from their friends with an  "I'm with Stupid" hat
17. Nativity play outfits - Wise Man, shepherd, angel, Mary, Joseph, health visitor, camel
18. World War II evacuee outfit (and look out for the kid who has a real gas mask in its leather case left over from the war)
19. Coins of various denominations as your child will be required to pay for the privilege of dressing as a squirrel etc and the school will specify the precise coins required as they will be used to make an amusing collage before being sent to the relevant charity...it is helpful to invest a modest amount (£5000) not later than your child's first birthday to cover these costume related tariffs.

Yikes, too Hitchcock The Birds!

The above is just the bare minimum, but if you at least have these items handy, this should cut down on some costume related stress.

Boy 1 will be endangered if I catch him playing football in the kitchen again

Next week: how to make a 3 D model of a plant cell using mashed potatoe and olives.

* Endangered animal was our most recent costume drama; it may help to relieve one's feelings by stumping around the house shouting "Endangered species, endangered species, I'll show you an endangered species: a mother who is still sane and solvent after putting together all these flipping costumes...."

I'll Be Back

Oh dear, have really fallen off the  blogging wagon recently...but in the words of the Terminator*, I'll be back!"

Dahlings, I leave you with a Public Education Announcement.  I know which category I fall into.

* excellent new role model for dealing with obstreperous offspring (and try saying that after a gin and tonic) who are now on holiday from school AGAIN...yep, 2 week half term..

Important Parenting Advice from Mrs B

Dahlings, I need to share with you all a Parenting Top Tip.*


Here it is:
When you take small(ish, now getting bigger and even more bumptious) boys on hols, you MUST do your research thoroughly beforehand.

You MUST vet all names of local sights.

You may think a visit to Speedwell Cavern in the Peak District is a safe bet.  What you have overlooked is the existence of a combo ticket covering another cavern...with an unfortunate name.

Mmmmm, queueing for about 35 minutes with Boys 1 and 2 jubilantly shouting "ARSE!" every couple of seconds.

Pure class.

It's a good job they had hard hats on; it wasn't low overhanging rocks they needed protecting from, after their exuberant display of parenting failure..

Eventually the ArseFest stopped and we went down the cavern, a former lead mine.

I cheered up at tales of the child miners (a 4 year old worked the bellows providing the miners with air and other children dug for lead with candles clamped in their mouths; candles made with tallow that rotted their teeth and eventually their stomachs.  The average life expectancy of a miner was 27).

But it wasn't all doom and gloom.

There was something in the tour for everyone, even Mrs B.

* This Parenting Top Tip will rank alongside my other PTT which you can find here