Dahlings, I felt I should share with you an essential truth I have garnered from my years of Motherhood (almost, er, 10 years, 10 long years, 10 long hard years, etc).
But be warned: if you were hoping for some perky parenting ideas - "How to carve a selection of vegetables into a replica of the Taj Mahal to encourage your little ones to get their 5 a day" (and then come over all King Herod and murderous when they shout yuck and throw it all on the floor, before having a large gin, obviously it's you having the gin not the kids...) you have come to the wrong place.
The most important piece of parenting advice, and in fact the only piece of parenting advice I feel qualified to impart, is as follows: ( You may wish to prepare yourselves mentally for this, it is really quite profound and actually quite moving, I am tearing up a little even as I type...)
NEVER LET YOUR CHILDREN STICK STICKERS ON THE FURNITURE
Below, Boy 1's bedhead in the process of being de-stickered, broken fingernails de rigueur
But at least I learn from my parenting failures. Boy 2 has certainly not been allowed to run amok with the stickers:
Oh sh*t! When did that happen? And how come I didn't notice??
Now, dear readers, I know that you are all people of great wisdom and excellent experience in dealing with such diverse elements as chihuahuas, exotic birds (feathered or otherwise), snaks, cats, boats, cigar smoking barristers, high end luxury goods, and even that most scary manifestation of wildlife, small boys and girls. What advice can you give me?