Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
cannot guarantee nut-free

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Oat So Disastrous

Dear Mr Quaker

I am writing to express in the strongest possible terms my dissatisfaction with your Oatso Simple instant porridge and the accompanying claims you make for this product.

You jauntily claim that it is "Now only 2 mins to Perfect Porridge". You then add, treachorously, in my view "Psst...measure milk using sachet."

What in God's name are you people thinking? Does the picture below in any way ressemble "Perfect Porridge"??? I think not. (Though I will admit that it did indeed only take me 2 mins to cover Blighty HQ in a light coating of semi-skimmed).

And your handy dandy measuring tip re use of sachet was quite frankly the worst piece of advice since that Marie-Antoinette girl opined on the eating of cake as the way forward for the masses..

And does this look like a Good Morning to you?? I think not.

Finally, I feel further insulted by the jolly little directive on the side of your packet, which I noticed after a couple of hours of manning the bilges, swabbing the decks and other nautical type references which I can't presently come up with.

It seemed completely unnecessary at this stage to point out that in fact I am a complete dosey cow. This has already been more than adequately demonstrated.

I will not be Actioning (TM FauxFuchsia) Oat So Simple for breakfast in future. I will stick with something simple like jugged hare or souffle.

P.S. Dear Quaker Oats, I have now succeeded in making the Oat So Simple under the careful supervision of a grown up i.e. Boy 2 aged 8, and it turns out to be quite delicious, so please ignore my earlier complaints. Any chance of a couple of free boxes? Right ho, thought not.


  1. Kids are so much more advanced than we are! I like your nautical (naughtical) lingo though. You should make Mr.Q walk the plank.

  2. I absolutely hee-hawed my way through this!!! Just what I needed to cheer me up today. Well, your blog post and a litre of pear cider ;-D

    I bet you they DO send you something. Something NICE!

    I quite fancy trying that. I usually have porridge. Proper Scottish stuff with water, salt and oats. Topped off with some nice greek yoggie and cut up dates. Nectar of the Gods :-D

    Ali xxxx

  3. As one who is unable to open those irritating UHT milk portions without squirting the foul stuff over my clean shirt on my morning ferry commute, I sympathise. I now hand over all complicated tasks like that to my 6 year old. More proof to him of my non super hero status.
    Thanks for the laugh.(note to self to not read Blighty when mouth is full)

  4. A recipe for disaster for sure.
    Fancy suggesting using the paper packet for measuring milk. The one and only time this procedure is warranted would be on a camping trip. If my memory serves me correctly I experienced an unhappy ending with a similar method once upon a time.
    Isn't it amazing Blights how far spilt milk travels!
    Are you poor darlings still freezing over there?

  5. Ha, I'm so glad not to be the only one with this gripe. We now only make porridge in a pot. A+ to you for perseverence and trying again!

  6. What a crack up. Thanks for my morning laugh.

  7. My three year old nephew can already google! His favourite is the Johnston VT650 street sweeper. He was born with an in-built ability to understand buttons and electronic things. Amazing. L

  8. I DO NOT want to eat porridge in London Blighty!

    HEY........ isn't that an American Brand? Serves you right, you should be sticking with English Porridge, didn't you guys invent it?
    We old Aussies used to thank you for that contribution to Australian breafasts, 'specially in Qld in Summer!

  9. Lord! You have such a gift for making me laugh out loud.

  10. I always have a bowl of porridge in the morning - even in summer - but I just stick to plain old Scottish oats, much cheaper and not quite as messy!

  11. Dear Mrs Blighty, Who is at her best at breakfast? Today I had the brilliant idea of bribing my children to make their own while I contemplated whether I should ever get up again (dinner party, Champers etc the night before). I would have tried to follow instructions too while all the time thinking that it was quite suspect using a paper sachet for the purpose of conveying a liquid albeit the short distance from bottle to bowl with the same inevitable result. However, how satisfying after all the palaver to actually get oats into one's children. Very cheeky underbox message - how curious!

  12. Blighty you are the best.. you always make me smile.. and I am serious - are you contemplating your book yet...? You remind me of India Knight. Souffle or Jugged hare ???!!!!
    p.s. love the Alessi containers...

  13. Oh Linda it seems you and I are sort of living parallel lives - I tried the make your own breakfast thing this morning only to have Boy 1 come stumping into the bedroom turning on all the lights and demanding egg and bacon..
    Sarah - thank you for the kind comment

    Everybody - thank you all for your lovely, funny comments and for taking such an interest in my breakfast disaster!!

  14. What a funny tale to tell!! I'm not one who is at her best in the mornings let alone having to read instructions. I barely even can pronounce my own name... Lucky for you having children who can get you through to morning tea...


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