Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
cannot guarantee nut-free

Thursday, 18 December 2014

A Blog is not just for Christmas

Sign of the times that the first Christmas party I attend is the dog's.


All the movers and shakers of the Advanced Dog Training Class* were there.



This is Arthur.  Swiss Entlebucher, financier and raconteur - he is super bright, runs a bank, often abroad for tax reasons, loads of character and woofs, yips and growls his way through dog training, he has lots of anecdotes and some really rude jokes. Possibly.  I don't speak dog.  But that's what I imagine. Much in demand as an after-dinner speaker.




This is Darcey.  Bouvier des Flandres, fashion icon and lady.  Jackie Kennedy was a Bouvier too.  So Darcey is very refined and stylish, I can see her in an Oleg Cassini suit and pillbox hat. Monty stares at her longingly with his mouth open but she is out of his league.  Darcey is best kept away from any blonde bubble permed poodles, the sort that might sing "Happy Birthday Mr President".






Leonard McCombe/Life Magazine/Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images

President Kennedy  with First Lady Jackie, in fur-trimmed suit designed by Oleg Cassini, at his inauguration.




And then there's Monty.  Border terrier and class clown - always looking the wrong way, never concentrates, always needs the loo in the middle of class.








It was a fab party. 




There was a tree.


There was tinsel.







A buffet.



Hmm, always one greedy gutzer pushing in at the buffet..




Wild party games involving the wearing of hats.







Standing on things.








Drinking.















Debauchery




Everyone got tired and emotional and had to be driven home.


In short, a cracking party.


  

*  Laura Ward
Minds Alike Animal Training and Behaviour

Friday, 12 December 2014

Right Now

Right now we are all about....


Laundry.

Who knew coal mining was on the curricculum at Greggs Grammar?




Christmas trees



Multiple pairs of trainers for our sporting activities



Is Boy 2 a centipede? Why so many shoes? No wonder he staggers up the drive on the way to school. Cue maternal guilt at making boys walk to school.

Trying to eat our Santa hat.





Scarfing it up. 







Photo above from the Scarf Forum, I need to buy a melon, will it count as one of my 5 a day? (it's tutorial on how to tie an Ascot cowl knot, apparently). How do I balance it on my head?


Meet Chicken* my only friend.  She is helping me sell some Hermes scarves on  Evil Bay.  If you are interested, I'm pudfish63.




* Called Chicken because she is headless.  Groan.

She is already misbehaving, all super-modelly, tantrums, wants a private jet and Cristalle champagne..I now suspect the head removal was all part of an extreme celeb weight loss fad.




Above and below,  Hermes Sous les Branches de L'Ombu




Books.  This one was interesting - I did not know that Talitha Getty was the granddaughter of Augustus John and had forgotten that old David Bailey was married to Catherine Deneuve.








 
 
 
Bargain Diane von Furstenburg dresses from the Bay of Evil.





Migraines.  Bane of my life.  Any tips? 




What are you All About these days?

TTFN









Wednesday, 3 December 2014

Gone Lost Her Mind

Hello, this is the blog talking.  Help! I am being badly neglected, look at the dust and tumbleweeds blowing across my deserted plains.  (Enough with the poetic stuff already, doesn't suit).

Once I was flavour of the month, she was always playing about with me, putting up posts, tinkering with my layout...

But I have been supplanted by that creature - the Log? no, Pog?  Wait. that's it, the DOG!

And now this....





She's put that creature in a box contraption lined with orange - yes ORANGE - corduroy - and he rides around in the front seat next to her....

And me?  I never get taken anywhere now...


Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Not What I Was Expecting

Dahlings, sorry to have been AWOL but have been rather busy of late...

Was chatting to Faux Fuchsia by email yesterday and she asked me how I was feeling about THE Wedding (George Clooney,Venice).

And I have to say -

I am really a bit disappointed.

I did think there would be more glamour....

But no, since the wedding  my life seems to have continued just as before,  a glamour free zone.

Since becoming Mrs George Clooney I have had to deal with:

floods

complaining to the council about drainage issues


broken household appliances (dishwasher, central heating, landline telephone)



naughty dog

"WHAT-EVAH!"

naughty children

"I am NOT doing my stoopid Maths homework so there!"


And George has been no help at all - he just stands around waving and looking impossibly handsome and grinning for the cameras


Finally we got Kimberley the Dog Whisperer in.  Apparently we have been doing it ALL WRONG...

she told us to put the dog in a crate
the children in a boarding school
the dishwasher in the dump
and to send old George back to Hollywood, because quite frankly he wasn't pulling his weight around the house....

I may have got it a bit muddled as have been getting calls from the council about 2 feral children found watching TV in the electricals skip at the dump, but George has already been made head boy at Harrow and Monty Dog has taken Hollywood by storm with his eerily lifelike portrayal of a werewolf...

Meanwhile I can be found drinking pints of cider with Kimberley at the Pig and Whippet..

P.S. A big hello to Charlie and Me who very kindly asked if I was ok during my latest Blog Silence, that was very sweet of you, thank you.

Sunday, 20 July 2014

Donner und Blitzen and Expert Dog Training



Hello Dahlings!
Sunday afternoon here so have sneaked off to update you all on life at Blighty HQ.

We have had a mini heatwave here and then tremendous thunderstorms and lightning - Donner und Blitzen.  No, not the reindeer Mr B.  Ha ha, Mr B, ha ha.

So my cheapo Primark dress appeared on its annual, one day outing.




I may have mentioned I contracted serious Scarf Fever but this hot weather makes wearing a scarf impossible.  Finally I understand the lamenting of the ladies on the Purse Forum about this, yes Mr B there is such a thing as a Purse Forum and yes Mr B, First World Problem par excellence.

I can't even wear this scarf which would really be appropriate.


I confess I saw Faux Fuchsia looking divine in it on her blog so when I saw it in a different colourway on Evil Bay I snapped it up.  

I had to buy it, it has not only zebras but also giraffes on it.





Here's Faux Fuchsia modelling her scarf, see it's all her fault!  Dear FF, sorry to be a copy parrot, hope this is not too Single White Female!! Please don't tell Mrs Danvers.



Meanwhile both boys are now on hols, Boy 1 had to endure 2 more weeks at his school, while Boy 2 already on hols lived the dream of the Single Child.  He set himself a personal challenge to eat a ham and cheese toastie at Costa Coffee every day for a week.  Here he is on day 4 going for broke with 2 of them.  After this I am afraid I called time on this ruinously expensive carry on and suggested he did the summer reading challenge instead like all the other kids.



I know it's only early on in the summer hols but I am quite tempted to try trading one or both of the boys in,  in return for this brand new tiptop executive home on sale in our road.  




But don't worry, I am keeping the Monty Dog.  We are in advanced preparation for our debut in the Commonwealth Games, high jump.  Next thing you know, I will have made a top dog training video, Training for Success.  Cesar Milan, eat your heart out!


Better go, we are now experiencing a slight domestic hiccup: Mr B has run over the dog stake out line (complete with corkscrew stake thingie) with the mower - all of the line/corkscrew metal thing is now wrapped around the blades, it is probs curtains for the mower.  And for the line.






  Mr B tentatively suggested, to look on the bright side, that it was a good job the dog was not attached to it at the time.  I may have said something like "You and that bl**dy mower."  As you do.


















Sunday, 13 July 2014

Monty Dog and the Prize Paw Draw


How the heck did I get up here?


Dahlings, sorry I had a bit of a hiatus there (but don't worry, I can get it seen to on the National Health).

Grandma Whacker has been to stay.
 
Everyone is impressed when I tell them she drives herself from the Cotswolds to our house (resolutely all the way in the middle lane of the motorway I suspect).  They say things like, " Wow, that's brilliant, at her age," and "Let me know when she is travelling so I can take a different route."  All joking aside, she really is an excellent driver.

Unlike her daughter - today Mr B was washing the car and took me on a trip down memory lane: "This is where you scraped against the scaffolding lorry" and "This is where you hit the skip. "  To be honest I could not remember half of the alleged bumps, but hey, good times, people, good times...   I had a lot to contend with back in our London days, what with the constant problem of finding a parking space, two wriggly toddlers yodelling in the back, in particular Boy 2 (aged 4) who liked to sing along to Johnny Cash "Ring of Fire"...with just a slight time delay so you thought you had a evil pixie echo..
Boy 2



Johnny Cash during his hell raisin' Ring of Fire days before he was tamed by the love of a good woman
taken home for a bath and bed
 

Some of us made slight adjustments to our routine during Grandma Whacker's visit:

Here's Boy 1.

Here's Mr B.  



I think he should market these to all men whose MILs come to stay.  


Now on to business - I finally did the prize paw draw for the book - the brilliant thriller wot my friend wrote.



  It got a great review the other day in the Daily Mail no less, so don't miss it! review here

You will be pleased to hear that the draw was carried out under the strictest conditions.

Protective goggles were worn (almost).




Names were written down on pieces of paper. .

 
 They were then placed into the hi-tech Dogatron (patent pending, the US government is interested in this technology for the next Presidential election).

 
 
 
 
 
 Then our top scrutineer carefully selected, on a totally anonymous basis, one of the pieces of paper.
  
 

.



After a quick lunge and grab operation, we were able to get the paper out of the scrutineer's mouth and the slighty soggy winner is:

 

LPC! 

Dear LPC, congratulations my dear and I shall be in touch! To everyone else, thank you for taking part and sorry you didn't win (but at least you are not covered in dog saliva..)

Right better go, it's Sunday evening here and while Boy 2 has of course broken up from school for a week already ("Daphnes4Boy, A Few Weeks At School, Long Summers by the Pool", registered trade mark) Boy 1 still has one more week to go ("Greggs Grammar, Keeping them off the streets since 1635").