Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
cannot guarantee nut-free

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Pretty Cold

When I looked outside this morning at about 7.30am, this is what I saw.

We togged up for the walk to school. Part of getting ready involved an energetic bout of something the boys called Wooly Hat Wrestling. The rules of WHW are quite fluid. Rugby tackling seems to feature, as well as boxing and judo moves.

The walk took a bit longer due to the need to inspect the snow. Boy 2 also seemed to find the drain fascinating.

Boy 1 spent more time looking backwards than forwards, probably as he was pelting Boy 2 with snowballs.

There was an awkward moment when I stopped Boy 1 going into the school building carrying a huge snowball. " No snowballs inside" I said, with authority. He stopped, and scouted round for a target outside. Oh no, not the Headmaster, please no! (Headmaster was standing close by, discussing with groundsman the effect of weather on plans for new Orangerie, ornamental Japanese garden and peacock enclosure).
My fears were unfounded. Paf! The snowball hit me bang on the chin. Bless.

Monday, 29 November 2010


Even at midday the ground is frozen

Things have gone downhill since Faux Fuchsia left these shores, taking glamour, beauty, charm and the England cricket team with her (it's true, they are in Australialand as we speak).

It has become very cold. All glamour is gone. My favourite accessories are my thermal vest and a tissue for my drippy nose.

Even Boys 1 and 2 have given in and are wearing vests, jumpers, hats and gloves, though under protest and after an epic battle of wits, force, low cunning and gratuitous use of insults.

Small boy in normal attire

Thermal underwear mandated by Mummy

Snow is expected here soon. Oop North where Lovely B is, there has already been lots of snow. Lovely B does not approve but she is not letting it get in the way of her Christmas shopping. We have already received a Severe Warning about our failure to provide her with our Christmas list on time. Apparently it's on the 25th this year.

Mr Blighty has been enjoying the weather, sitting chuntering at the TV info pages, exclaiming happily: " Minus 17 last night in Powys, unheard of, unbelievable." Bless him, at least it gives him an interest in life other than the disastrous fortunes of Newcastle United: "17- 0, well could have been worse I suppose.."
I ventured down town today and everybody, but everybody, was wearing a hat of some sorts; Russian style fur hats seem to be very much in vogue. Indeed, what with the hats and the cold and the grey I felt I was in a pre-Gladnost Eastern bloc country. This impression was strengthened in the bank: the cashier, an Eastern European girl straight from Central Casting was having a remarkably unfruitful conversation with a customer:
Customer: I was given this account number and told the account would be open today
Cashier: Number not mean anything, there is no account, is nothing on computer
Customer: Oh
Cashier: is not there, is nothing
Customer: how about we start again, and open a new account now?
Cashier: is not possible, is internet account, is opening only on line, not in branch
Customer (weeping) : Right ho, thank you very much
Cashier: you go open on line, you go now
And when I exited the bank I saw this dog. I am definitely now living in Russia. Her name is Kim and she is a Siberian Huskey, apparently.

But I am not going to go to the dogs, sartorially (ooh, did you note what I just did there, what a slick link that was, I could be on TV!). Cold weather is an excellent excuse to wear daft hats and embarass your children at school pick up.
The Miss Marple Special

The lux leopard

The James Bond film Russian spy - so James, the microfilm is hidden down your trousers, yes?

Also the cold weather is a good reason to stay in and play with my new nail polish, a birthday present from Lovely B. What lusciousness! Note the small boys' paws all over - probably just checking no sweeties hidden in the parcels.

I was also given these books from Grandma W. Note the 3 for 2 sticker. Where's the other book? I asked (tact is my middle name). I'm reading it, replied Grandma, cheerfully.

Finally some important Puffle news. After my last post, a nice lady from Disney got in touch. Hello nice lady from Disney! She may have some goodies for Boy 2. I just know that any day now Hermes and Rolex are going to empty their warehouses in my direction. Yay!
Maybe the nice lady from Disney has some advice on controlling your Puffle in a restaurant?

It was last spotted riding around the carousel at Yo!Sushi, thankfully no one tried to eat him.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010


You have to be the mother of a small person to recognise what these are.

No, I have not been experimenting with knitting or doing some weird hamster breeding programme.

These are Puffles.

As I watched too many home decorating programmes in my youth, I have of course popped them into a dinky little basket, Linda Barker style.

This is what they look like.

Each colour has a different face, I am told.

To me they are just a lump of stuffed fabric which retails for £6 a go. £6 for a lump of fabric?!! Has the world gone mad?!

But if you are Boy 2 and so 8 years old and obsessed by a virtual computer world called Club Penguin, then these are the business. Apparently.

You have been warned.

P.S. I imagine that, even as I type this, there is a Puffle magnate sipping Dom Perignon and relaxing on his yacht somewhere..

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Some important Royal news!

I am so thrilled to announce my engagement to Prince Such a surprise (particularly to Mr Blighty and the boys). But it is sooo important for our future King and for the country to have a crazed marsupial with excellent fashion sense and top level accessorisation skills filling this position. So I felt I had to say yes. Also the bling really sealed the deal.

I know all you girls are dying for a close up of the rock.

Isn't just adorable? And it fitted perfectly, did not have to be re-sized at all to be rammed onto my paw.
Must dash dahlings, I have to get the Archbishop of Canterbury to re-arrange his diary, he will just have to cancel the tambourine workshop weekend away, I need some serious wedding planning.
P.S. Don't believe what you read in the media about that girl Kate Middleton. She is not even in the running.

Thursday, 11 November 2010

Bathtime Blues

Le Grand Bleu, chez Blighty

All of you who have children will know how hard it can be to get small people into bath and bed.

I can remember my mother having to chide the 9 or 10 year old me up each individual stair, and me acting like a particularly stupid goat (eating those rubber gloves really was taking it too far). What a suprise that my children are quite frankly uber-annoying at times. I think it's what's known as payback.

My latest scheme is to provide an exciting bathing experience. As toddlers, Boys 1 and 2 loved those bath colours you can get from toyshops.

I have discovered Lush, an English company that makes all sorts of weird and wonderful lotions and potions. The nail polish bloggers swear by their Lemony Flutter. It is apparently tops for your cuticles.

Lush do lots of bath bombs. I picked out a few, and must say they make my drawers smell lovely. (HaHa, Mr B, HaHa).

Below, this one is called Dragon's Egg. Most intriguing. Boy 1 gave it the thumbs up.

Even has a yoke!

This one is Big Blue. I thought it looked and smelt wonderful.

But Boy 2 objected : " What's that in the bottom? That stuff? That pooey stuff?"

Me: "It's seaweed, it's supposed to be therapeutic."

Boy 2: " I don't want thera poo in my bath."

Boy 2 insisted on trying to fish all the seaweed strands out of the bath, which ended with bits stuck on the side of the bath, the floor and his hands. My voice got ever so slightly shrill.

Note to self: Boy 2 perhaps not ready for the full spa experience.

Friday, 5 November 2010

In Which Mrs B meets Faux Fuchsia in Real Life!!

Faux Fuchsia at Malene Birger, London

Yesterday was beyond exciting! I met up with the divine Faux Fuchsia in London. She is on a world tour, generally cheering up the troops and boosting the morale of people everywhere.

I was Nervous! The boys calmed my nerves by a soothing chorus of " Mummy's going to get murdered! " Nice.

I looked out my best Mummy cardigan, one with not too much dried mashed potato on it.

I did my nails in OPI Dulce di Leche which is good as does not show up if chips!!

I was so excited I took the boys to school in my slippers! Luckily they do not look too much like slippers but really!

FF is, to steal a phrase from her Hungarian friend, Luffly! She looks gorgeous, so glamorous, heads were turning, I jest not (or maybe they were impressed by my clean-ish cardigan?) And all on only a couple of hours sleep (due to jet lag, and her young nephew wanting to party at 4 am in the morning!) And she looks very young, don't be taken in by all that talk she does on her blog about collapsing face!

And she so nice and soooo funny!

We had a fab time. Trouble is, I was so excited and talking so hard I kept forgetting to take photos. But don't worry, FF has got it covered.

We did ceremonial exchanging of gifts. FF gave me this scrummy Hermes perfume, all orangey and citrussy, lovely! And a super pashmina. I felt very spoilt!

I gave her some Chanel lipstick, the girl in the shop told me it was the shade Vanessa Paradis wore in the ad. Watch out for Johnnie Depp, FF!

We "actioned" a trip to Malene Birger in Marylebone High Street. ( I kept doing this really cool thing of saying, it's this way, I know my way around town, and then going off in the wrong direction, and FF would find the way..)

The we tripped the light fantastic in Harvey Nicks, where we were ladies who lunched! Over lunch we workshopped (copyright FF phrase) lots of important issues like Chanel lipstick, nail polish and hair!

Puddings were involved.

I thought this PVC number would be practical for me as a Mummy as could be sponged down but FF advised against, something about being too much for poor old Mr B!

We examined Halston for bargains, and pretended we were Bianca Jagger in Studio 54.

And then, because one top drawer department store was not enough, we whizzed off to Libertys!

And then all too soon I had to go back to Blightyland and collect da Boys. Talk about back to earth with a bump!

So thank you for a lovely day out FF, it was a pleasure to meet you.

P.S. Buy the dress!

P.P.S After spending a few hours together I swear I was doing the upward inflection at the end of sentences Aussi Style? And FF was doing the English downwards thing at the end of phrases - or maybe I just wore her out?!!

Tuesday, 2 November 2010


The last two weeks that the boys have been off school have flown by, full of activity which I can't quite remember! So I will leave it to Boys 1 and 2 to give you a little presentation entitled, well I'll let Boy 1 take it from here..

Boy 1: Our talk today is called "Wot We Did in Our Holidaze, Get Off you Baboon, Mummy said i could put the pics on the 'puter not you"

Boy 2 (lying on floor): noooooo, wanna do pics, don't wanna do presentation, don't wanna, waaaaaahhhhh! I hate it, hate it , no, no, no! Ok, I'll do it. Welcome ladies, to our interesting and informative presentation on our half term programme of activities, we trust you will find it engaging and light hearted, yet with substance and..

Mummy: That's enough, don't overdo it.

Boy 1: The hols were cool as Auntie Lovely B came to stay and we went up to London on the train and bus to meet her. The bus was cool.

Boy 2: yes the omnibus is an extremely convenient and cost effective method of circumnavigating London...
Boy 1: Muuuum, he's talking stoopid again!
(Short break in presentation while artistic differences are resolved, packet of frozen peas applied to bruised head of Boy 1, and Boy 2 spends time in his room)

Isn't that man our Headmaster? No, it's Big Ben, you iddyot!

Boy 1: After the bus Mummy made us go to the Cabinet War Rooms and Winston Churkill Museem which was educaseshunal so was boring. But the cafe was ok.

Boy 2: I assisted Mummy in preparing the guestroom for Auntie Lovely B. When Mummy was apprised of my efforts in this regard she was so pleased and moved she shouted a bit and then burst into tears of gratitude..

Boy 1: Auntie Lovely B settled in.She and Mummy did lots of chatting and some drinking of wine and Mummy was all nice and on bestest behaviour and did not shout even when we played football in the kitchen. After a couple of days Mummy decided it would be Death by Museem. Again. But this museem was quite good as it had lots of ded stuffed animals in it, including huge snaks and tiny fleas. But the cafe was not so good.

Pics of animals at Natural History Museum at Tring, Hertfordshire (Walter Rothschild had an enormous collection of stuffed animals which he donated to the nation; we do feel the animal kingdom must have breathed a collective sigh of relief when old Wally popped his clogs..)

Boy 2: Then Grandma Whacker came to stay too, so she could enjoy the delightful company of her beloved grandsons and the charming Auntie Lovely B. Daddy announced that unfortunately he would be working late.

Boy 1: Mummy put those girlie flowery thingies in Grandma's room and I added an artistic finishing touch, much better.

Boy 1: A few days later Mummy carried on her Death by Museem evil plan and she made Grandma and Auntie Lovely B go too. This time it was a Roman Museem in St Albans, very boring with lots of coins. Even Mummy was bord but she would not let on. But we went for pizza after which was very good.

Boy 2: Then sadly it was time for Auntie Lovely B to return home. We accompanied her up to London and then Mummy declared that it was time for another museum. It is clear that Mummy is evil and also quite mad. It was the Foundling Museum in Bloomsbury.

Pic below, this was the site of the original Foundling Hospital started by a retired sea captain called Sir Thomas Coram; now it is called Coram Fields and is a playground. We met our friends here and had a good play!

Boy 2:Mummy got cross at the museum as she paid and then they would not take us. Mummy shouted that this was not good enough, she thought children could be left there. The museum lady explained that was the old days, they do not take in babies anymore and look after them till they are grown up; Mummy said that was a big disappointment, she had been brought there under false pretences..

Boy 1: Pic above, this made Mummy go all teary, I think she was still upset that she could not leave us in this Foundling place. Anyway, the cafe was quite good.

Boy 1: And then the next day lots of workmen arrived at our house all at the same time with lots of vans all blokking each other in and Mummy said oh no and made 28 cups of tea and 22 cups of coffee...and then Grandma decided to go home and all the vans had to be moved so she could get the Granniemobile out and we sang our lovely song to her to say goodbye:

" Driving long the motorway at a 104
Grannie did a - BOYS STOP! - and blew off the door
The wheels couldn't take it and the car fell apart
All because Grannie did a supersonic.."
And then Mummy shouted "Stop that song right now!" and told us to say goodbye to Grandma nicely and we shouted and waved "Goodbye Grandma Nicely " non-stop till Grandma drove off and Mummy said "Give me strength" and went to make another 35 cups of tea.

Boy 2: It was terribly noisy with all the workmen banging and drilling, but we applied our ear protectors and continued with our computer related amusements

Boy 1: At the weekend we did a bike ride, here is us looking cool like that film TopGun which is Daddy's favourite film ever ...

Left to right, Maverick, Iceman and another guy, but certainly not Goose, that bit always makes Daddy cry, wot a girlie..

Boy 2: The bike ride was near Pinewood Studios where they do filming for films. We came across this sign. Mummy said there should be a sign warning the public about boys of all ages riding bikes thinking they are hotshot fighter pilots training at Miramar...Neaaaaaaah! (fighter pilot noises).

Boys 1 and 2: So that was our hols. How long till Christmas hols Mummy? Mummy? Why you lying on floor??

Monday, 1 November 2010

You couldn't make this stuff up!

So Boys 1 and 2 have been back at school all of 3 hours when I get the following text:

The fire brigade were called out this morning due to a minor incident in the Science Lab. All boys and staff are accounted for and safe"

I was immediately in a state of shock and high anxiety, my brain racing, asking myself " What is going on?" Yes, the use of "were" instead of "was", where clearly "fire brigade" is singular and so calls for a third person singular verb, is beyond worrying. What is going on at that school?
The worry that a mother has to endure!

P.S. I have checked and it appears neither Boy 1 nor Boy 2 have (or should that be "has"? hoist, petard etc) Science on their timetables for this morning, so hopefully do not need to get them a lawyer this time.