Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
cannot guarantee nut-free

Friday, 30 July 2010

Muuuuum can i have a snak?

Hi Boy Won here, i am doing writing today. Guest posts is cool.
Here is a pic of me. I cut out the Dennis the Menace mask, it came with my Beano comic.
I am going to send off pic and get a prize, a Nintendo DS or a helicopter or a speedboat or some stickers or other cool stuff.

I don’t like pink stuff and dresses and shoos and grils so I did not think FoeFoosha was cool. Till yesterday. Yesterday FF was cool. The pic of the snak was awsum. It made Mum shreek. Cool. Dear Missus FF plese can you post the snak to me, I will give you Mums credit card number. I will keep it in my room and feed it stuff like crisps and my brother Boy Too. I would realy like a pyton, can that other lady send me one, thank you.
We have snaks in our garden to. Mum does not belive me but we do.
This is dedly yella snak.

This is dedly tree snak

I want to get some of that net stuff for windoes and doors, it could keep snaks and my brother out. He always makes it back into the house. He is a po bott face smelli.......
This is my brother's sunflower. Mum said it was eaten by the dear that come into our garden, but I think my brother eated it as he is a compleet wirdo and chews stuff.

Oh no its Mum, look all cross.

“What are doing on the computer?
I asked you to get dressed hours ago!
Go now!
Wait! How long have you been wearing those pants?
Put clean ones on, you can’t wear the same pants for days, it’s horrid.
No, I don’t want to smell them.
Take them off your head!
Upstairs now, get some clothes on!
No, don’t lick the mirror as you go past!
Stop swinging on the door!
Don’t you dare put those Nutella paws on the walls.....
EEEK, I’ll get the cloth

Better go, Mum has gone all shouty and horid she is a meenie, why she not just ask me nicly stead of shouting?

P.S i like that other ladie Janit too that does Tie kwando, cool

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Sweet Charity (Shop), Sweet Love

Hello dahlings, hope you are all well!
As a style icon and fashion guru (ouch, just hurt myself laughing) I felt it was time for another outfit post. This outfit is inspired by My Life In Travel, a very attractive lady (also, incredibly mother to two small children) who has a real passion for fashion.
The other day she posted a pic of a new bracelet arrangement which I found very avantgarde.
So I thought I would have a go. The problem is, though, my very short paws. So it seems to have turned into a handcuff type set up. Which might give the wrong message. But look, I am wearing creamy/camel colour, Vogue tells me camel is THE colour for autumn.

Photo from Life in Travel

Photo from Life in Travel

Close up of Blighty's cutting edge jewellery and elephant belt; any likeness to napkins rings is purely coincidental

In other exciting fashion news, I visited a charity shop recently in the affluent commuter town of Gerrards Cross (Dr Barnados). Below is a Chanel number, priced at £200. Cor!

And a dress still with the tag on (Karen Millen) and a pink wool coat, Georges Rech, Synonyme.

Ooh, and a top from Dolce and Gabbana
Someone had just left a lot of stuff outside the door of the shop. Quite often it gets stolen before the shop opens, the charity shop lady told me.
Below, here's me trying on a Margaret Howell navy blue linen dress. I was trying to be all chic and MaiTai - the other day on her blog MaiTai posted a picture of herself in the most chic shift dress.
Sadly this dress did not fit me well and I did not want to pay more to get it altered. Also my lifestyle is not suited to dry clean only fabrics! From a practical point of view, I should spend my days in overalls or a shellsuit. But let's not depress ourselves!
Look what came home with me, ssssssh, don't tell Mr B, he is already suspicious : the evening of this unapproved purchase he came home to find me frantically cleaning the bath, loos, sinks etc, a dead giveaway of a Blighty guilty conscience.
But I have convinced myself this will look v jolly in the winter and can be worn with jeans for a casual look!

Meanwhile I seem to be stockpiling books from the library like a deranged librarian; soon more books will be in Blighty Mansions than the library and I will get raided by a SWAT team of highly trained combat librarians. NEVER MESS WITH A LIBRARIAN!

Below, this book sounds a bit like 84 Charing Cross Road, as it features letters from an English lady living in post war Britain to an elderly American gentleman. She used the letters as an escape from her everyday life, so perhaps the forerunner of blogging!

Below, all about one of the Kenyan Happy Valley set (a very louche lot), Alice de Janze. The book considers whether it was she who shot the Earl of Erroll. I am sure you have all seen the film "White Mischief".

My mother recommended the book below. The house Madresfield is not far from where she lives in The Cotswolds. Evelyn Waugh had an intense friendship with Hugh Lygon at Oxford and often stayed at the house, and Brideshead is based on the house and family. The Lygon family bought an inn in Broadway in the Cotswolds and re-named it The Lygon Arms; the Lygon is still there today, it's where we had our wedding reception. Mother is determined to visit the house, although it is not open to the public!

In other news, my inspiring quotes are not going down too well with the boys. They can spot an educational ploy a mile off. They are also expert in subverting reward systems, star charts and such like.
I heard this quoted on the radio. Zig Ziglar is some sort of motivational guru. But what I really want to know is: is that his real name? It's just too good!
Oh and here is random photo of Mavala nail polish, displayed in a small independent chemist shop in Gerrards Cross. I love this shop as it is an Aladdin's cave of all sorts of stuff. The guy that owns it used to manage the big chemist shop in Wigmore Street, London, one of those traditional chemist stores and again a real emporium of all things health and beauty related.
Mavala is about £3 a bottle, not expensive. Does anyone know if it is any good?

To prove my point about dry clean only fabrics being No Good for my Lifestyle, look what happens if you leave Boy 1 alone with toast and a jar of Nutella. Gudge City.
But I am not against chocolate, quite the opposite, I love it. The other day I bought this, I love ginger too.
But ever since, Mr Blighty has been in hiding, can't think why!
"Mr B, yoo hoo, I'm having some chocolate, do you fancy a bit?"
No, no sign of him, can't think where he has got to.

Monday, 26 July 2010

My Mother, Joan Crawford and coathangers

I have been musing on how to increase the traffic to my blog. It would be quite wrong of course randomly to mention the sort of brands people might put into Google searches. Quite wrong.

CHANEL PARADOXAL (apparently this is the new "must have" colour, a sort of purple)

Yes, quite wrong, cynical and a cheap trick.

WRIGLEYS SPEARMINT GUM, er, no, I give up, can't think of any more..

Meanwhile my mother appears to have gone mad and has asked me twice now over the phone to buy her Woolite delicates wash, apparently it's not available in any of the 94 supermarkets where she lives. Quite what has brought on this sudden need for Woolite I do not know. Dear Lord, what if she's drinking the stuff?? Is this the new designer drug for the over 70s? Will she be featured on some gritty documentary? Will she start blowing bubbles? And from where? The whole thing is a worry.

Grandma's Favourite Tipple?

I've not mentioned my mother before because She Would Not Approve. There is much which meets with her disapproval, for example:

uncertainty about when the next meal will be served
vegetables that have not been boiled for at least 2 hours
shoes which are not sensible
small boys who shout "Oh no, it's Grandma Whacker" and appear at the dinner table wearing their bike helmets
untrimmed hedges
untrimmed hair
Spending Money
Getting Overtired
Staying up too Late
Rushing about
Gudgey cakes

The latter are my speciality. Mother does make me laugh about these though. "This cake is very gudgey and too sweet" she says, as she chews disapprovingly. " Would you like another piece?" I ask her. "Yes please", she replies, without a hint of irony. It reminds me of the joke about the people complaining about their hotel - "The food was terrible, and the portions so small..."

In other exciting news I have been hunting down coathangers. I hate nasty coathangers, particularly the wire variety. I have been carrying out a hanger renewal programme, trying to weed out the horrid ones. But now I have cornered them, what should I do with them?

(No, Miss Crawford, that's not a helpful succession, but thanks anyway).

How can I store them neatly? Why do MrB's cupboards magically breed wire hangers? I tell you, it's a jungle out there, in Blighty's airing cupboard.

Finally my quote for the day. This was not a success. Boys not impressed. "Don't get it!" was the response. Will have to fall back on the classics, like quotes from Power Rangers or Scooby-Do. Yes, great idea. "Those pesky kids!" I like that!

Saturday, 24 July 2010

Shameless name dropping, scary bras and Quote of the Day

Hello there! Have just cleaned out the inside of the Blightymobile, so am feeling virtuous and entitled to a reward in the form of a nice sit down in front of the 'puter. (Have been putting off said cleaning for a while, justifying it on the grounds that if we were ever trapped anywhere in the car, we could survive for days on the biscuit and crisps fragments which coat the inside. But when even Boys "We don't need to wash our hands we did it yesterday" 1 and 2 are commenting on the unsavoury state of the backseats...)

Below August editions of mags scored from our local library. Hurrah for the library, hurrah for local government funding my magazine reading! If ever we get a written constitution I will be campaigning for the right to read Vogue to be enshrined as one of my basic human rights.

I looked through hoping to spot some nonsensical fashion words, as I feel it is unfair that Faux Fuchsia should shoulder the burden of doing so unaided, it is such an onerous responsibility. Unfortunately I am not sufficiently skilled to spot them, my fashion radar is faulty! I did however learn that for autumn there are New Trousers which fit at the small of the back and make your legs Go On For Ever. Hurrah for that, much better than trousers where half your bum falls out and your legs look like stumps! Tatler carries an article on Elle McWhatsit looking unfeasibly young and lithe. Her sons attended the posh school Boy 1 went to in London. Had we stayed in London, Boy 2 would have been in the same class as Claudia Schiffer's son...and then there was Liz Hurley's son ... Elle, Claudia, Liz; not who you want to see at 8am when wearing your pjs under your anorak, although it did encourage fathers to do the school run! The Tatler also has a pic of one of the mums from the posh school rigged out in tiara and ballgown at some Caledonian ball thing. How come I never get in Tatler - "Mrs B doing weekly shop at Tescos" or "Mrs B wrestling Boy 1 to ground to apply suntan lotion" ?

Below, photo taken some time ago during my Barbara Pym phase. Her books are deceptive, not much appears to be happening but they are quietly funny. I think I also wanted to show that OPI Tropical Punch matches the cover of Jane and Prudence. Useful to know that.

Below, I am still trundling on with Elizabeth Bowen and "Love's Civil War". The problem is that it is very lopsided - her letters to her lover Charles survived but not her diaries; his letters to her did not survive but his diary entries did. Her letters are of the "Darling you are my whole life" variety, without his replies it all seems a bit obsessive....

Here are some more books I am planning to read. Bedford had an interesting life, and her life intersects a bit with that of Gerald and Sara Murphy, a gilded American couple who lived on the French Riviera and knew Hemingway, Scott Fitzgerald, Picasso, among others. They are supposed to be the couple on whom Fitzgerald based the Divers, of "Tender is the Night". Gerald Murphy had a sister who had an affair with Bedford. According to the Murphy book, the sister was a serious bedwetter. Gerald's wife had to put a rubber sheet on the bed when she came to stay. Useful to know that too.

You can see I get almost all my books from the library, it started in our tiny London flat as a space saving ruse and also as an austerity measure. I usually write down what I have read so I can look back and remember, and I have also discovered Library Thing where you can build a virtual library, another fun way to waste time!

Enough with the books, on with the bras. Look at these beauties, the photo really does not do justice to the hugeness of the one on the far left. I was looking for a junior training bra for my under developed chest and took a wrong turn and found myself in the DD department.

A while ago I also saw these strange creations in H&M, on sale for £1. I briefly considered whether Mr B would like to play the coach and the cheerleader but felt this might frighten the poor man to death.

Here are some pics of perfumes I saw in the shops recently.
This looked like a shrine to Chanel, I resisted the urge to light a candle.

At the same shop I went into action with my handy dandy polish colour chart. Although I didn't need a chart to tell me that I hadn't got the blue already. I thought it might be a Tiffany's blue. Or more likely a horrible mistake.

Next, the lovely Janet of posted a picture of her blackboard where she writes her menus each day. This inspired me to rub off the "Don't forget your sandwiches" reminder which has been on my blackboard for almost a year. Instead I have decided to do a different quote every day or so, in an attempt to be amusing yet educational, and see if anyone notices. So far only Boy 2 noticed and thought the "so" was "50". Note to self - watch handwriting!

Finally, there are signs that my intensive schedule of summer holiday activities for Boy 1 is paying off.

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Reading between the lines with perfumes and Loulou La Bicyclette

As can be seen from the title, any attempt at well-thought out, themed posts has now been abandoned! Welcome to the world of Blighty's head, a place so muddled, it makes the inside of our garden shed look like a showhome!

Now the dust has settled a bit, I have had the chance to look through some of the piles of exercise books the boys brought home at the end of term. I suppose I should welcome the chance to wonder at my boys' academic endeavours. But, unfit mother that I am, my instinctive reaction is always "Jeez, all that paper, quick, where's the recycling bin?"

However, I did enjoy some bits of the work mountain.

First, Boy 1 shows great promise for a career in diplomacy, and has inherited his mother's tendency to Do a Joke to Death:

Above, he invents a mythical creature called the Deatheater. It only eats teachers.

Got that? It only kills teachers and headmasters

Just in case we missed it - only dangerous to teachers

Let's be clear - teacher is food.

Next, Boy 2 demonstrates great cunning in the way he fills up the page by clever use of repetition, I foresee a career as a tabloid journalist or possibly a politician.

This is from Boy 2's account of a trip to see old WW2 planes at RAF base. Remember, whenever you mention an old war plane called a Vulcan, you put big big big big in front of it. Nifty or what?

Boy 2 has already got the hang of thrift, as practised by Blighty (no matter how many times Mr B explains to me that the best way to save money is Not to Spend It, I remain unable to ignore the siren call of the Bogof):

This is part of an account of what Boy 2 did in his hols:" we went to the shopping centre to buy some football there was a really good deal buy two get one free so we did it." Ha, my work bringing up that child is done!

Now I must broach a painful subject. Do you recall that ill-advised interview poor Princess Diana gave about her divorce - along the lines of there were three people in the marriage, it was a bit crowded? Well, there are three of us in my marriage. Here is my rival, Loulou. She is French. She was already living with Mr B when I met him. In his flat. In his bedroom. The trollop!

She has gel implants, she is seriously enhanced. And very trendy tribal tattoos.
And she has been using my nail polish, the cheek!

She has been with Mr B longer than me, he met her in Belgium and they used to go around hand in hand(lebar). She is sleek and fast. She has moved with Mr B from place to place, she is better travelled than I am.
Actually though, I have come to feel sorry for Loulou. Since those heady early days, Mr B has neglected her. She spends all her time in the garage, never feeling the wind in her tires. He has not taken her out for years. She feels flat. Every now and then I go and chat with her. We have come to a truce, for Mr B does not take me out much either these days, but thankfully he does not leave me in the garage. Normally.
Poor Loulou. I am considering signing her up with this exclusive dating agency called Ebay, to see if I can find her a new man who will take her out and about.
How do I get from bikes to perfumes?I know. Loulou is French. Lots of perfume is French, there, easy! I have been longing to post on perfumes for ages - a while ago Mrs Trefusis did a great post on perfume Also Life happens between Books is a serious perfume addict, she has introduced me to Perfume Court, where you can buy samples of all sorts of perfumes of all types - classic, boutique. I am seriously tempted!
Here is my current lot.

Above , L'Artisan Parfumeur Mure et Musc, and Tea for Two. Tea for Two is warm and spicy, for winter I think. Mure et Musc is quite subtle and soft, Mr B bought it for me from their shop on Marylebone High Street. The sales guy apparently took quite a shine to Mr B and gave him a complimentary hand massage. Mr B did look a bit flustered when he got home. I imagine the guy is called Serge, like the guy from Beverly Hills Cop who asks Eddie Murphy if he wants a cappucino, with a twist of lemon..

Below, on the left is Jo Malone Dark Amber and Ginger Lily. To me it smells of coconut and I think it's delicious, but the scent lingers and maybe it's a bit cloying. Should a scent linger like that?

In the middle is Darphin Cedre Precieux, woody, mellow.

What scents do you all like? Please tell, I love reading about what perfumes people wear!

Below, Acqua di Parma. Note to self - pay attention at all times, this is Room Spray!
Additional Elf and Safety Warning: do not think you can take small boys into perfume department of large store without fitting them, you and everyone else with protective goggles, I tried and within 3 mins Boy 1 had sprayed himself in the eye with Chanel no 5. Which is a good choice if you have to do that kind of thing.

Finally two "vintage" dresses - one on left from TopShop in Oxford Circus vintage bit, one on right was my mothers, I had it let out, she was slimmer than me! Question: if I wear these, will I look like an aging Sandra Dee in Grease, and if so, does that mean I have to end up wearing spray on satin trousers? Yikes. I'll leave spray on stuff to the perfume department.