A Blog is not just for Christmas

Sign of the times that the first Christmas party I attend is the dog's.

All the movers and shakers of the Advanced Dog Training Class* were there.

This is Arthur.  Swiss Entlebucher, financier and raconteur - he is super bright, runs a bank, often abroad for tax reasons, loads of character and woofs, yips and growls his way through dog training, he has lots of anecdotes and some really rude jokes. Possibly.  I don't speak dog.  But that's what I imagine. Much in demand as an after-dinner speaker.

This is Darcey.  Bouvier des Flandres, fashion icon and lady.  Jackie Kennedy was a Bouvier too.  So Darcey is very refined and stylish, I can see her in an Oleg Cassini suit and pillbox hat. Monty stares at her longingly with his mouth open but she is out of his league.  Darcey is best kept away from any blonde bubble permed poodles, the sort that might sing "Happy Birthday Mr President".

Leonard McCombe/Life Magazine/Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images

President Kennedy  with First Lady Jackie, in fur-trimmed suit designed by Oleg Cassini, at his inauguration.

And then there's Monty.  Border terrier and class clown - always looking the wrong way, never concentrates, always needs the loo in the middle of class.

It was a fab party. 

There was a tree.

There was tinsel.

A buffet.

Hmm, always one greedy gutzer pushing in at the buffet..

Wild party games involving the wearing of hats.

Standing on things.

Drinking.

Debauchery

Everyone got tired and emotional and had to be driven home.

In short, a cracking party.


  

*  Laura Ward

Minds Alike Animal Training and Behaviour

07931 566921

mindsalikeatb@gmail.com

www.animalmindsalike.co.uk 

Border Disputes and Other Key Issues

Dahlings, I have had to write a stiff letter to Ines de la Fressange:

Dear Madame de la Fressange (can I call you Angie for short?)

Look here Angie!

We both know you have been style stalking me for years, copying my best looks and snatching my role as muse for old Karl L. from me....(Karl would have done much much better work if he had a mad old housewife as muse, his work with machine washable fabrics and go anywhere aprons and comfy shoes would have been Visionary).

See here's you wearing a stripey shirt under a pullover.

Well here's me.

Here's you rocking a Lacoste polo shirt.

Here's me doing the same look in my own way, using a body double.  See how you have even copied the multiple medallion look, Angie?

Angie, I have turned a blind eye to this sartorial theft but now you have gone too far:

Outrageous!  Copying my canine accessory! How dare you! Have you no shame? All I can say is, I hope he sheds hair on your slimline black capris and chews up your Roger Viviers.

Your sincerely

B Blighty

And then I had to write to old Kirstie Allsop

Dear Mrs Allsop

I read in the Daily Mail on-line that recently you have caused a mini furore by stating that girls should not go to university.  I suspect that superficially stoopid statement was actually a very clever way of getting publicity for your latest enterprise.

But what concerns me is this picture of you with a Border Terrier.  What are you thinking?  There you are, encouraging people to do up their homes and scatter cushions and curtains around with gay abandon while at the same time clutching what we now refer to in our house as a Mobile Shredder. Have you seen their teeth? Huge!  It is only a matter of time before old matey there chomps his way through a rug and a lovely throw embroidered by peasants in rural Gloucestershire, before setting to work on that flower arrangment.  You have been warned.

Yours sincerely

B Blighty

And then I had to write to this lady.

 

 

Dear Mrs Queen Beatrix

I now understand the real reason for your abdication.  They really are trouble aren't they?  Well done on managing to keep the Queen gig going so long while handling a Border Terror.  You were very wise though to hand over to your son so you could concentrate on Border Control issues. I like the way you look regal and serene in this photo while at the same time keeping a firm hold on the Terror. Out of interest, has he ever jumped in a canal before?

Yours etc

Well I was told a dog could be a lot of work but I had no idea it would involve so much correspondence.

In Which I Get A Dog

Calm down Grandma Whacker, it's not quite what you think!

Funny how things go.

Today is the first day back to school after Xmas for Boys 1 and 2, finally.

But don't feel too sorry for them, they are on half term soon (give it a couple of days max)...

So this morning the house is quiet.  Too quiet.

But I start doing Useful and Pro-Active Tasks like reading the Daily Mail celeb gossip like attempting meal planning (day 1  - spag bol, day 2 -  chille con carne, day 3 -  what else can I do with mince? day 4 -  zzzzzzz) and making the Shopping List From Hell (go to supermarket, buy entire contents of supermarket, get home, unload entire contents of supermarket, find have forgotten  mince).

The doorbell rings - it is my neighbour. "Do you know anything about this dog?" she asks, indicating an incredibly cute, sandy-coated scallywag (ok, you guessed, I have n't a clue what breed he is).  Who gambols into house and  runs around a bit. I chase after him, retrieve him, and say "No".

My neighbour is late for an appointment so I offer to take him in.

I close the door.  I look at the dog.  The dog looks at me, and then rolls over to have his tummy tickled. He knows a soft touch when he sees it.

I inspect his collar and see he is called Alfie and ring the accompanying mobile number.  I am not cool in a crisis and this is not even a crisis - I get in a terrible muddle trying to get my glasses on, read the mobile number and stop Alfie play biting my hands.  I  leave a breathless, flustered message...

Alfie and I look at each other a bit more.  I am not sure what to do with dogs - should I offer him a cup of tea? Would he like to do the crossword?

Alfie then makes a joyous break for it up the stairs.

I retrieve him.

 He goes into the kitchen, jumps on the sofa and gets excited about the dog he can see in the big mirror. And then launches himself up the stairs again.

It reallys speaks volumes. I have only just met Alfie and he is already behaving as naughtily as Boys 1 and 2.  Children and animals just know...

Finally I work out the best thing to do is to contain Alfie in the study, which is where we are now. He has now gone to sleep, just like a worn out toddler.

And hurrah - his owner rings up and tells me her au pair is on the way to collect him.  He has escaped by digging a hole under the gate..I suppose he just fancied some company.

She tells me not to worry about puddles, he is past that stage.

So I won't mention to her the yellow patch on the rug...

Alfie really enjoyed my amusing anecdote about what I once said to the double glazing salesman....

The Royal Wedding - The Excitement Grows

Catherine Deneuve's dress and knickers  (and David Bailey)

We are all very excited here about the Royal Wedding - I did a quick survey round Blighty HQ and here is the resulting Vox Pop:

Kate Hudson's dress and some long haired chap

How do you feel about the Royal Wedding?
Mr Blighty - what wedding?  These 3 day weeks are playing havoc with my Important Legislative Colon Control activities.
Mrs Blighty - why do they need all those trees inside Westminster Abbey? What about squirrels?  And dogs?
Boy 1  - can I get FIFA 11 for my iPod? I've been really good, I only hit Boy 2 a bit yesterday and I was only closing the wardrobe door on him cos he asked me to, he was being Provoc - Ative...?
Boy 2 - is it why we get more days off school? Good.  Can you help me get my leg out of the wardrobe, it's stuck.
Grandma Whacker - 5000 police on duty! 5000! The expense! And guess who's paying? Not the Royal Family etc. etc.
Guest 1 (female) - I want to see what she's wearing.
Guest 2 (male) - zzzzzzzzzzzz

Katy Perry's dress

To be honest the whole Wedding has been overshadowed by a far more important Social Event: Boy 1's School Disco.  

There will be girls there from two nearby girls' schools (Katie Price's School for Young Ladies and St. Britneys). 
But on the plus side there will be snacks and jumping up and down frenetically to Tiny Tempah and other teen favs. 

The sort of outfit and moves guaranteed to wow at the disco

Hoodies and slouchy jeans will be worn by the boys, white leggings and frilly tops by the girls.  The boys will get very sweaty.  Someone will be rumoured to have snogged someone else but it will all be made up (by the alleged snoggee).   Boy 1 will eat the entire buffet, pogo around and then feel sick....Happy days!

Woof woof

1st April 2011

Dahlings, this post is a day late  - sorry!

Just wanted to let you know we have a new member of the Blighty household, an adorable little dog.  I am going to call him Thatcher after Mrs T's most notorious accessory.

Isn't he just too much?

Some of you know that I have been considering getting a dog for a while now and this little chap seemed to fit right into my lifestyle.

Must go, we need to do walkies.


"Dog"  - Fendi at Bicester Village, £4000 reduced to £2000, good luck to Sally who is shopping at Bicester today, Sally, I am sorry I did not get back to you but am sure you will have a nice day there!

Relax Mr B, of course I did not buy this thing but Lovely B and I had a great giggle over it!

Louise of InTownsville - you might want to print a big copy of this picture for Siggi, sort of chihuahua  doggie porn...