Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
cannot guarantee nut-free

Thursday, 30 June 2011

Letting Go

I knew the time would come when I would have to let go of my blue-eyed boy, he has to move on with his life...

Whoops! Wrong blue-eyed boy. ( According to The Daily Mail, Tabloid to the Stars and Grandma Whacker), old Danny Boy has just married Rachel Weisz, but only because I am already married and am always too busy cleaning the floor of the downstairs loo to give him the attention he needs, as a Top Thespian).

I really meant I have to learn to let go of Boy 1 who is growing up fast and who has gone on his first residential trip with the school, for 3 days and 2 nights. Somewhere mysterious called PGL which Boy 1 unreliably informs me stands for Parents Get Lost. The trip involves lots of outdoor activities like abseiling, trip wire malarkey, den building and not opening washbags to use toothpaste or soap.

Boy 1 has been away from home before but only for one night at a time, on sleepovers with friends.  And sleepovers work like this:
6pm You drop off Boy 1 and hover nervously in kitchen of host family before being persuaded to leave
9pm Back at home you walk past Boy 1's empty bedroom and go all teary and sentimental before happily settling down to watch a romcom without being disturbed by Boy 1 shouting from his room that he has a sore/throat/arm/foot/toe/unmentionables*  and could he have some ointment/Calpol/soothing drink/herbal sleep drops/ lavender oil sprinkled on tissue/ mallet to head?*

*delete as appropriate

Next morning -
6am You wake Mr B and ask him if it is too early to go collect Boy 1; Mr B asks "why, where is he?" and goes back to sleep
8am You arrive at host's house to find host parents bleary eyed and in pjs, assuring you it went really well, the boys got to sleep by 11.30pm after having been told to be quiet for only the 54th time and they did not get up until 5.30am when they woke the whole household while playing a newly invented game of Toilet Cricket Ball Torpedo but were really good and watched a DVD till 6.07am when they demanded pancakes, egg and bacon and quickly remove Boy 1, thanking host parents profusely and handing over bottles of wine, self-help books on Post Traumatic Stress and the phone number of a good plumber
8.10am In the car on the way home Boy 1 informs you he hates his family and would like to be adopted by the host family and he would like Boy 2 to be sent away either to boarding school or preferably for adoption as he is ruining his life etc etc
10am Mrs B has to be put back to bed as overtired and fractious due to sleepover- related lack of sleep...

Boy 1 took packing for the school trip very seriously and started assembling the essentials.

I was glad these were the teddies selected for the minibreak.

Earlier Boy 1 had announced he was taking the imaginatively named Big Bear.

When I pointed out that Big Bear took up  the entire suitcase, Boy 1 then suggested he take Domino Dawg instead (fancy, a child of mine not taking things seriously!)

When I came to pack, I did notice a certain bulkiness in the front pocket.

This is the infamous Bertie, Boy 1's beloved sheepskin (in fact he has 3, all of which get dragged to bed with him but for travel purposes he has decided just to go with one.)  From lying on the sheepskin in his Moses basket as a baby, Boy 1 progressed to cuddling it, coveting baby Boy 2's sheepskin (there was a worrying moment when Boy 1 tried to pull it out from under newborn Boy 2) and now he is Lord and Master of no less than 3 Berties...

And he going to kill me if he finds out I have blogged about Bertie, as a man's Bertie is a private matter...

All seems to be going ok so far - I dropped Boy 1 off at school (Mummies have been banned from hanging around waving the boys off in their coach to avoid unnecessary tears and wailing, no one wants a lot of soppy, soggy mothers hanging around..).  Then I dropped off the suitcase which Boy 1 had forgotten...

Meanwhile Boy 2, who is tremendously cheerful now Boy 1 is Out of the Way so leaving Boy 2 as Top Dog, had his own excitement: his English Speaking Board Exam( reading chosen passage from book; talk on interesting hobby; say a poem by heart) . Final prep went quite smoothly - Boy 2 found he had lost his copy of the book excerpt; reverted to calling Chess "CHEST" throughout his talk; poem now recited at breakneck speed and final word fatally mispronounced so does not rhyme..

After all this I tried to do some much needed and therapeutic de-cluttering, FF style.  Now the charity shop bag full of de-cluttered clutter sits looking at me accusingly.

Think I am having trouble letting go of that as well...

Monday, 27 June 2011

Rain, Sun, Tudors, Teddies

Recently it's been doing a lot of this.

So I bought one of these.

Cagoule from New Look

If I had to choose an item of clothing to sum up my character, this would have to be it - leopard - desire to be adventurous, a bit flighty, glamorous; cagoule - basically sensible, cautious, practical.

Dahlings, what item of clothing would you choose to illustrate your character??

Immediately after the raincoat purchase it has started doing this.

And I have been doing lots of this (like mad 50s housewife).

Now it has hit about 80F I have reluctantly removed my cagoule.  But it's ok, I  can now wear these.

Cheap as chips from New Look teen girls section and extravagant, compulsive Mrs B in evidence

I like them as not too high and super comfy (practical Mrs B to the fore)

In other news we are rocketing towards the end of the Daphnes4Boy$ summer term - just 2 weeks left and then 8 weeks hols.   A lot gets packed into these last few days -

cricket party,
charity wear the colours of the Libyan flag day ( Mrs B got a bit worked up about this until Mr B explained it was the rebel flag colours, we were not subbing Gaddafi)
Boy 2 history trip
Boy 1 trip to Tudor theme park in his Tudor costume
Boy 2 art outdoors trip
Boys 1 and 2 Swim Galas
Lunch at school for mummies to see what lunch is like for their little darlings ( "But Headmaster, surely you don't give them a Bordeaux with the Poulet au Dettol?")
Boy 2 Open Afternoon ( "oh poppet, you have another 23 exercise books for me to look through, how lovely!" (thinks: where is my hip flask when I really need it.")
Boy 2 residential trip away (expect tears and sobbing from Mrs B - "No Mr B, I have not lost my credit card, I am actually missing the little boggler..."
Speech Day (note to self: stay awake, and do not fantasise about suddenly shouting out "ARSE!" in a lull)
Parents Party
Boys Party.........

The Tudors were big purchasers of Ford motor cars

Meanwhile Boy 2 has been getting in touch with his caring, feminine side, which is quite frankly a shock as his other hobby is bashing stuff. 

Wednesday, 22 June 2011



So the other day I had a post ready.  And then Blogger ate it up, photos and all, burped and sighed happily to itself, leaving me tempted to whack the computer lightly with a brick.  Since then I have been lying on my couch all melodramatic artist-like, now and again announcing that I can't work under such conditions.  Until Boys 1 and 2 asked me to move, as they wanted to sit on the couch to watch their current favourite TV show, "60 Deadly Animals Wot Will Bite Your Head Or Other Important Bits Off" and eat crisps.


But here I am again, defiantly trying to post.....bad idea, now I can't get the photos to load...but as you will have already observed, I have helpfully included in CAPITALS  a description of the visuals you are missing.

Humph!  It's pouring with rain here again and poor old Boy 1 has gone off with the school to do some sort of outdoor organic eco build your own den team building day - complete with waste free lunch - a bit of a challenge - I guess we were supposed to do brown rice wrapped in cabbage leaves but we've gone with a ham sandwich in Tupperware..


So now I'm off to watch The Big Easy ( a young Dennis Quaid, cute) which always cheers me up.**

What do you all do when things don't go your way?

* This post was not sponsored by Walkers Crisps but if there is any chance of a year's free supply of crisps..
**Which reminds me, the other day Mr B and I watched "Sex, Love and Other Drugs" and may I just say what a very fine actor Mr Gyllenhal's upper torso is (also his left buttock is quite talented too..)


Sunday, 12 June 2011


Dahlings, I can't believe how long it is since last I blogged. Disgraceful! I really would not want this blog to fall into desuetude.* Although (much to Mr Blighty's amusement) during my breaks in posting I always gain more followers.  Paradoxically*, frequent posting causes me to lose followers - what me, offend people? Shocking!

Well life seems to have been coming at me like a hyperactive toddler covered in melted chocolate when you are wearing a cream suit, and there has been the small event of Boys 1and 2's half term hols (now safely over, though Boy 1 did manage to wangle a day off "ill" last week - "ill" as in, I feel a bit tired and don't really much fancy it today). AND THEY HAVE ONLY 4 WEEKS LEFT NOW OF SCHOOL BEFORE THE LONG SUMMER HOLS NOT THAT I AM PANICKING OR ANYTHING WHERE IS MY PASSPORT STUFF IT I WILL LEAVE ALL MY CLOTHES BEHIND YES I WANT TO CLOSE THE ACCOUNTS AND TAKE THE WHOLE BALANCE IN CASH TAXIIIIIIIII! WHEN IS THE NEXT FLIGHT LEAVING? WHERE? NEVER HEARD OF IT GIVE ME A SINGLE TICKET CAN I PAY CASH? ETC ETC!..

So in this post I am just going randomly to paste pics from the last couple of weeks and make it up as I go along (so actually no change whatsoever to my usual modus operandi*)..

Above, 3D glasses -Mr B has just taken the boys off to watch Kung Fu Panda 2.  During the hols I took them to Pirates of the Caribbean 34  and would like to point out that the actual running time of that film is in fact 2 and a half days, never mind what they claim on the cinema website.  I can also confirm that the correct mathematical formula for popcorn consumption by Boy 2 is : bodyweight x 2 + total arm  reach x fist capacity - trouser coverage - time popcorn removed by Mummy who is no fun at all.  All rigorously scientifically tested. Another interesting statistic: number of times Mummy said loudly in a quiet bit "Does anyone need a wee?" = 7 ( Oh and I would just like to say well done to the man at the back who very obediently did as he was told..)

Cinema today is a good idea as it has been raining nonstop and cricket has been cancelled.  Mind you, cricket is not what is was, thanks to a teenage pyromaniac who did this to the cricket pavilion just a  couple of months ago.

Grandma Whacker came to stay to help me with the boys during half-term.  She brought these lovely roses from her garden.
 With my mother around I regressed to my teenage self, wore ripped jeans and painted my nails an alarming colour.  Grandma pronounced that "You bloggy girls have very frightening nails!"

 I tried to be a bit Faux Fuchsia so wore this purple rock arrangement (copyright FF 20110).

The colour is OPI Summer 2010 .   I am thinking that soon I will get my alter ego Sindy Lemon-Grass-Snoddy (beautician and research chemist) to do a guest post on nail polish.

I played chess with Boy 2 (aged 8).  He beat me. Easily.  I can't actually play chess and so Boy 2 has been teaching me, but he only tells me certain things, bit by bit.  The book is for me, not him. I'll show him!
 This thing below is Mr Snoodles.  Boy 2 has been going on about buying him for ages, he is a Moshi Monster character. Apparently.  I must admit to being somewhat underwhelmed when I finally came face to face with Mr Snoodles.  He is basically a yellow pig with green ears.  Boy 2 of course adores him and will do for at least the next 10 hours, before abandoning him on his bedroom floor forever. Poor Mr Snoodles.

This is, according to Mr Blighty, the most expensive property in the UK - One Hyde Park. The penthouse flat sold for about £140 million last year. Gulp!  We went past it on the way to a football birthday party in Hyde Park a few weeks ago.
They must get a nice view of the park.
 And at the bottom of the building is a handy convenience store, for those last minute essentials.

Once the boys went back to school Grandma and I hit up John Lewis, that purveyor of all household wares to middle England.  Look at the price of this baby!  Does it go buy the ingredients for you, load them in the car and unpack them when it gets home?  For this price it's the least it can do.

 I liked the colour of this Kitchen Aid.  But Grandma reminded me that I did not really cook plus there is the evidence of prior gadget abuse in the form of my breadmaker (last used in 2007), slow cooker, rice cooker...
 Loved the cheery colours of these gadgets.  I could wear matching nail polish (not now Sindy).

Grandma and I endured the Horror of Sports Day - from 9am to 5pm on a windswept sports field bordering the motorway, total time spent by Boy 1 and Boy 2 doing an event 4 mins.  I particularly enjoyed the hail stones at about 2.30pm, though the drizzle at 11am was good too.  And readers of Faux Fuchsia will know that just the other day she locked her keys in the car and had to get the emergency rescue man out.  Well, ever keen to emulate Faux I locked Grandma in the car at the start of Sports Day. For 20 minutes.  By accident. Honest.  Result: one Very Cross Grandma;  the RSPCA are never going to let me have a dog; and Grandma will never get in the car again without the keys and an emergency flare. 

Here is Boy 2 taking it all very seriously, keeping his pompoms dry. At least I think it is Boy 2 - as usual I was cheering on a boy with the same red trainers - who turned out not to be Boy 2.....And I can never remember the house names and colours - "no Mummy, green is Ringworm, Yellow is Impetigo, Red is ChickenPox, Blue is Verruca"  (Daphnes4Boy$ Sports Day, sponsored by Clapxx  Pharmaceuticals).
 Yesterday we went to a lovely party, and the boys did lots of this, having investigated the chocolate fountain and the ice cream van first.

Finally I found these in the cupboards, sweet little baby plates which a Swedish friend gave us when Boy 1 was tiny.  I am wondering whether a certain little Australian baby might like these.  I never really used them as I favoured bowls that could be stuck down by suction pads onto the high chair. 


Even so, this happened far too often...

*  I would like to dedicate these items of vocabulary to Louise InTownsville and Linda in Chile.