Trouble

You know you're in trouble when....

.... you watch Black Swan on DVD and you then find yourself skipping about the kitchen, pointing your toes, and humming that music (Tum, tum  ti tum ti tum, ti tum, ti tum, ti tum ti tum ti tum..) and shouting, " I'm a prima ballerina and I'm absolutely bonkers..."

and you are growing feathers and stuff...

(you also know you are in trouble when you spend time trying to fashion a tutu out of paper tissue for a small stuffed animal...)

..............small boys dress up  Mad for a school charity thing and you can't tell the difference from their normal off duty attire..

.... you find a card to send Louise of InTownsville (Louise has just had a big operation on her back, wishing you Up and About soon Louise) and you are convinced this card is just the thing, telling yourself it depicts, left to right, you, Linda in Chile and Louise (you have a very jolly email playgroup going with these two ladies), and you are able completely to overlook the fact that it is, ahem, quite some time, since you were school girls...

.....you start your holiday packing* and put in 4 towels and an educational game which no one will play and then your suitcase is full and you are so done with packing and need a cup of tea...

......you reinstate the Wii which has been banned for 6 months and now Boy 2 has his mitts clasped to the controls EVEN WHEN IT IS NOT ON...

.....Mr Blighty discovers an ant infestation in the cupboard and spends the weekend in there dealing with it...

(by the way, those red boots do not have anyone in them, despite appearances - I have not, for example, been overcome by the sight of my spouse being all manly and fainted....they do look odd though...)

......................this is the scene after you have, in a weak moment, bought Boy 1 a new grip for his cricket bat*; and he has come home and ripped the old one off, and you hear wailing and after 10 minutes of panting and puffing you realise it is impossible to get the new grip on...

*why the bl**dy hell did they not warn me in the shop, do I look like the sort of woman who knows what she is doing? Of course not!

   If only I had paid attention to those saucy articles in Cosmopolitan about how to . .....never mind..with your teeth...no, that's enough

This particular spot of bother was resolved by a visit to yet another sports shop, it turns out you need a wooden thing to roll the new grip onto, inside out and then you roll it onto the bat....*

* Some of you really have filthy minds.  I like that.

Not Just Cricket

Here I am watching Boy 1 play cricket in the glorious English sunshine.

I thought the match would be abandoned when the downpour really got going, but no, these people are hardcore, they just waited till it subsided to a brisk drizzle and back onto the pitch they went.

  But it's not all cricket.  The other day I hopped up to London, to my old stamping ground of High Street Kensington. You can see the spire of St Mary Abbotts; the school of the same name is next door and is very sought after at the moment, as Mr Cameron's daughter goes there.

 Below is what used to be the department store Barkers.  My mother remembers going there as a little girl.  A couple of years ago it turned into a huge Whole Foods.  Personally I miss the cosmetics counters and the abundance of stuff you didn't want to buy.  Oh, and the grumpy shop assistants.

I like all the plane trees in Kensington, they give much needed greenery.

I felt a bit nostalgic being in Kensington again, as this is where I  lived with Boys 1 and 2 when they were babies and toddlers; and oh the memories!  The time Boy 2 let his scooter slide into the Round Pond and our dismay as it disappeared under the murky waters ( I managed to hook it out with a long pole I begged off  a radio controlled motorboat enthusiast); Boy 1 stomping along the street trying every car door to see if they would open (and his shock when one did); riding on the top deck of the bus with two very wriggly, over-excited boys, who did not understand why they should not scooter inside the bus...  I do think London is a good place for babies, as you can walk for miles with them in their pushchairs, I could never get my head around country lanes with no footpaths..

Now, brace yourselves: here is what I look like in Real Life. (I was actually buying this for the boys as they needed to Dress Mad for Charity at school, it had been almost a week since the last charity dress up).

 And here is my lovely ex-neighbour, S.  Isn't she a doll?  She is very definitely Good In Hats.  And look at that blondey blonde hair.  S lives in the flat below our old flat. It is amazing she is still talking to us after the noise that must have been coming from our flat day-in/day-out - the crying, screaming, banging, crashing - and that was just me trying to make a cup of tea, let alone the row the Boys created.  S is American and really funny - her anecdote about seeing Hugh Grant is an All Time Classic:
Her hubs spots our Hugh sitting at a table outside a cafe in South Kensington.
He tells S to walk by, discreetly, to check him out; "But honey, be discreet ok, be cool!" 
"Of course I'll be cool!" huffs S.
 S arrives at Hugh's table.
 Suddenly alien forces overwhelm her.
She stops slapbang in front of Hugh.
 And shrieks at the top of her voice:
 "HUUUUUUGH GRAAAAAANT!"

S and I gossipped for England and the US combined, and pottered round the shops.  We had a good rummage round Accessorize, S was buying presents for her son's teachers. I liked these pretty rings - my precious..

I finished my little Kensington jaunt with a look round TK Maxx but was quite frankly overwhelmed by the sheer volume of  stuff...

Faced with a sea of sartorial flotsam, I suddenly found the idea of watching cricket much more relaxing....

Rain, Sun, Tudors, Teddies

Recently it's been doing a lot of this.

So I bought one of these.

Cagoule from New Look

If I had to choose an item of clothing to sum up my character, this would have to be it - leopard - desire to be adventurous, a bit flighty, glamorous; cagoule - basically sensible, cautious, practical.

Dahlings, what item of clothing would you choose to illustrate your character??

Immediately after the raincoat purchase it has started doing this.



And I have been doing lots of this (like mad 50s housewife).

Now it has hit about 80F I have reluctantly removed my cagoule.  But it's ok, I  can now wear these.

Cheap as chips from New Look teen girls section and extravagant, compulsive Mrs B in evidence

I like them as not too high and super comfy (practical Mrs B to the fore)

In other news we are rocketing towards the end of the Daphnes4Boy$ summer term - just 2 weeks left and then 8 weeks hols.   A lot gets packed into these last few days -

cricket,

cricket party,

tennis,

charity wear the colours of the Libyan flag day ( Mrs B got a bit worked up about this until Mr B explained it was the rebel flag colours, we were not subbing Gaddafi)

Boy 2 history trip

Boy 1 trip to Tudor theme park in his Tudor costume

Boy 2 art outdoors trip

Boys 1 and 2 Swim Galas

Lunch at school for mummies to see what lunch is like for their little darlings ( "But Headmaster, surely you don't give them a Bordeaux with the Poulet au Dettol?")

Boy 2 Open Afternoon ( "oh poppet, you have another 23 exercise books for me to look through, how lovely!" (thinks: where is my hip flask when I really need it.")

Boy 2 residential trip away (expect tears and sobbing from Mrs B - "No Mr B, I have not lost my credit card, I am actually missing the little boggler..."

Speech Day (note to self: stay awake, and do not fantasise about suddenly shouting out "ARSE!" in a lull)

Parents Party

Boys Party.........



The Tudors were big purchasers of Ford motor cars

Meanwhile Boy 2 has been getting in touch with his caring, feminine side, which is quite frankly a shock as his other hobby is bashing stuff. 

WOT I DONE IN ME HOLIDAYS AND OTHER NEWS

Dahlings, I can't believe how long it is since last I blogged. Disgraceful! I really would not want this blog to fall into desuetude.* Although (much to Mr Blighty's amusement) during my breaks in posting I always gain more followers.  Paradoxically*, frequent posting causes me to lose followers - what me, offend people? Shocking!

Well life seems to have been coming at me like a hyperactive toddler covered in melted chocolate when you are wearing a cream suit, and there has been the small event of Boys 1and 2's half term hols (now safely over, though Boy 1 did manage to wangle a day off "ill" last week - "ill" as in, I feel a bit tired and don't really much fancy it today). AND THEY HAVE ONLY 4 WEEKS LEFT NOW OF SCHOOL BEFORE THE LONG SUMMER HOLS NOT THAT I AM PANICKING OR ANYTHING WHERE IS MY PASSPORT STUFF IT I WILL LEAVE ALL MY CLOTHES BEHIND YES I WANT TO CLOSE THE ACCOUNTS AND TAKE THE WHOLE BALANCE IN CASH TAXIIIIIIIII! WHEN IS THE NEXT FLIGHT LEAVING? WHERE? NEVER HEARD OF IT GIVE ME A SINGLE TICKET CAN I PAY CASH? ETC ETC!..

So in this post I am just going randomly to paste pics from the last couple of weeks and make it up as I go along (so actually no change whatsoever to my usual modus operandi*)..

Above, 3D glasses -Mr B has just taken the boys off to watch Kung Fu Panda 2.  During the hols I took them to Pirates of the Caribbean 34  and would like to point out that the actual running time of that film is in fact 2 and a half days, never mind what they claim on the cinema website.  I can also confirm that the correct mathematical formula for popcorn consumption by Boy 2 is : bodyweight x 2 + total arm  reach x fist capacity - trouser coverage - time popcorn removed by Mummy who is no fun at all.  All rigorously scientifically tested. Another interesting statistic: number of times Mummy said loudly in a quiet bit "Does anyone need a wee?" = 7 ( Oh and I would just like to say well done to the man at the back who very obediently did as he was told..)


Cinema today is a good idea as it has been raining nonstop and cricket has been cancelled.  Mind you, cricket is not what is was, thanks to a teenage pyromaniac who did this to the cricket pavilion just a  couple of months ago.

Grandma Whacker came to stay to help me with the boys during half-term.  She brought these lovely roses from her garden.

 With my mother around I regressed to my teenage self, wore ripped jeans and painted my nails an alarming colour.  Grandma pronounced that "You bloggy girls have very frightening nails!"

 I tried to be a bit Faux Fuchsia so wore this purple rock arrangement (copyright FF 20110).

The colour is OPI Summer 2010 .   I am thinking that soon I will get my alter ego Sindy Lemon-Grass-Snoddy (beautician and research chemist) to do a guest post on nail polish.

I played chess with Boy 2 (aged 8).  He beat me. Easily.  I can't actually play chess and so Boy 2 has been teaching me, but he only tells me certain things, bit by bit.  The book is for me, not him. I'll show him!

 This thing below is Mr Snoodles.  Boy 2 has been going on about buying him for ages, he is a Moshi Monster character. Apparently.  I must admit to being somewhat underwhelmed when I finally came face to face with Mr Snoodles.  He is basically a yellow pig with green ears.  Boy 2 of course adores him and will do for at least the next 10 hours, before abandoning him on his bedroom floor forever. Poor Mr Snoodles.

This is, according to Mr Blighty, the most expensive property in the UK - One Hyde Park. The penthouse flat sold for about £140 million last year. Gulp!  We went past it on the way to a football birthday party in Hyde Park a few weeks ago.

They must get a nice view of the park.

 And at the bottom of the building is a handy convenience store, for those last minute essentials.

Once the boys went back to school Grandma and I hit up John Lewis, that purveyor of all household wares to middle England.  Look at the price of this baby!  Does it go buy the ingredients for you, load them in the car and unpack them when it gets home?  For this price it's the least it can do.

 I liked the colour of this Kitchen Aid.  But Grandma reminded me that I did not really cook plus there is the evidence of prior gadget abuse in the form of my breadmaker (last used in 2007), slow cooker, rice cooker...

 Loved the cheery colours of these gadgets.  I could wear matching nail polish (not now Sindy).

Grandma and I endured the Horror of Sports Day - from 9am to 5pm on a windswept sports field bordering the motorway, total time spent by Boy 1 and Boy 2 doing an event 4 mins.  I particularly enjoyed the hail stones at about 2.30pm, though the drizzle at 11am was good too.  And readers of Faux Fuchsia will know that just the other day she locked her keys in the car and had to get the emergency rescue man out.  Well, ever keen to emulate Faux I locked Grandma in the car at the start of Sports Day. For 20 minutes.  By accident. Honest.  Result: one Very Cross Grandma;  the RSPCA are never going to let me have a dog; and Grandma will never get in the car again without the keys and an emergency flare. 

Here is Boy 2 taking it all very seriously, keeping his pompoms dry. At least I think it is Boy 2 - as usual I was cheering on a boy with the same red trainers - who turned out not to be Boy 2.....And I can never remember the house names and colours - "no Mummy, green is Ringworm, Yellow is Impetigo, Red is ChickenPox, Blue is Verruca"  (Daphnes4Boy$ Sports Day, sponsored by Clapxx  Pharmaceuticals).

 Yesterday we went to a lovely party, and the boys did lots of this, having investigated the chocolate fountain and the ice cream van first.

Finally I found these in the cupboards, sweet little baby plates which a Swedish friend gave us when Boy 1 was tiny.  I am wondering whether a certain little Australian baby might like these.  I never really used them as I favoured bowls that could be stuck down by suction pads onto the high chair. 

 

Even so, this happened far too often...

*  I would like to dedicate these items of vocabulary to Louise InTownsville and Linda in Chile.

All Normal Chez Blighty*

Boy 1 ready for some disco action

Dahlings! A quick post while I have the chance - Boy 1 is at yet another disco and Boy 2 has (illegally) reconnected the Wii and I am pretending I haven't noticed...

This time the disco is at the girls' school - St Britneys.  When Boy 1 learnt the venue, he nodded sagely and muttered, "Enemy territory."  Should I have asked Mr Cameron for a spare Apache, for air cover?  What if the mission goes wrong and Boy 1 goes native, and is found years later on the netball court, wild eyed and covered in hairclips, bangles and glitter?

Highlights of this week have been Boy 1's new cricket bat and cricket wheelie bag, and Boy 2's wounded foot - caused by an attempt to scale his wardrobe one night after lights out, for reasons known only to Boy 2 and assisted only by a rickety chair. Result - terrific thump, wailing, school attendance wearing one school shoe and one bright red Croc and mad hoppy-skippy walking (to emphasise the incredible pain and amazing braveness of the Afflicted One).

This is so totally rad and happening, Boy 2 like totally owns this look and rocks it like majorly

The combination of the new cricket bag and the foot incident really made me wonder about the Blighty gene pool. Picture the scene: I decant Cricket Boy and Hoppalong Cassidy from the car after school; Hoppalong gets to the door first but wobbles at the threshold; Cricket Boy, fresh from a cricket match where his team triumphed over the Weeny Tweenies under 5s, pushes past in a manly, sportsmanlike way, his new cricket bag slung over his shoulder; unfortunately he has not worked out that the bag is wider than the doorway.....so he wedges himself in the door and practically knocks himself out, and narrowly avoids bringing down old Hoppalong who is tottering behind him...
I didn't help by dissolving into mad laughter but really...what a pair! !
 Is there any hope for those two I wonder?**  Could they perhaps play Thompson and Thomson in a Tintin adaptation?

This is wider than the door apparently, it should have an Elf and Safety Notice on it and so should the door frame

My handydandy calendar which has funny quotes for each day (and quite frankly is getting on my nerves with its relentless jollity) featured this the other day:

I like a challenge so I whipped up a cake -  yes, Mrs Blighty, Having It All.  But I had a chocolate fudge icing malfunction - it was so runny, not only did it run off the cake but the top of the cake started to slide off the bottom, in sinister slo-mo.  You never see Nigella's top sliding off her bottom, as it were. (Although no doubt some tapes will surface at some point).

And of course,  the main news is that, having managed a few days at school, the Boys are now on holidays AGAIN.  You know how fashionistas do that "Cost per Wear" calculation - if you buy a dress which costs £800 and wear it 10 times it only costs you...er....(but why not buy a dress that costs £10 and wear that 10 times and it will work out even cheaper???)...well, I hate to think of the Cost per Wear on a Daphne4Boy$ uniform...but don't worry, I am doing my best to bring the cost down by forcing Boy 1 to wear a blazer whose sleeves now stop just below his elbows... I tried to do the same with the PE shorts until the music teacher took me to one side and explained that there wasn't a part for a falsetto in the school choir...



* I have to thank Debs for this title; Debs is a loyal and witty commenter, who made me laugh by commenting recently that everything seemed "normal as usual" in the Blighty household.
** Should Boy 1 take up the double bass?  I have to come clean and fess up to similar door width/turning in corridor/  misshaps with a cello in my yoof..