Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
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Friday, 11 June 2010

Good Sport

Great excitement in Blightyworld today as it was Boy 1’s Sports Day and Mr B had actually taken the day off work to attend (OK, I admit it, I hid his train pass).

It did not start well. Early this morning Boy 1 burst into tears due to Performance Anxiety Issues. He came last in the 800m last year and was doing the same race again this year, and predicted he would come last again this year, the next year, the next year after that and after that. It is good to see he has developed a positive mental outlook. I got into a complicated discussion with him about winning not being everything; it was all about taking part etc. which somehow evolved into a heated debate about how much footballers earn and why we don’t have a Bentley. But the offer of a pizza after Sports Day smoothed things over.

It was pouring with rain and I kept hopefully checking for a text message calling it off. But those sports teachers are hardcore, nothing short of a blizzard puts them off, and they wear shorts all year round. I wouldn’t recognise those guys with trousers on. If you see what I mean.

Mr B and I dressed for the weather – Mr B even put on his waterproof over-trousers.

We set off for the Sports Ground. I confidently advised going through the town. Mr B favoured the motorway route. I prevailed. The town route was clogged with morning rush hour traffic. I helpfully pointed out that I had said the motorway would be better. Mr B went very quiet.

Once there it was the usual organised chaos: the boys and teachers knew exactly what they were doing, the parents did not and got in the way and failed to Do as they were Told.

The day was all based on the 4 “houses” in the school competing against each other. I am a bit hazy on the house names, they are something like Lumbago, Sciatica, Hernia and Verruca. No, that’s not it, that’s my medical history. I think it’s Leopard, Cheetah, Tiger and Tortoise.

It all turned out well: it stopped raining and Boy 1 did not come last in his race. I had a lovely time chatting to other parents and shouting “Come on darling!” and taking photos of my blonde haired athlete, till Mr B pointed out that it was not Boy 1; Boy 1 was in fact sitting on the grass happily guzzling Lucozade. Some terribly smart and organised parents had brought chairs and light refreshments in the form of designer cupcakes and Moët. I found an old boiled sweet in the bottom of my handbag.

I talked to an amazingly clever and interesting friend, who is also very funny – she explained she had just been hiding behind the Cupcakes and Champers set, hitching up her hold-ups. We had a useful discussion on hold-up malfunctions (so odd that I just mentioned this problem in Tights of Death) and she strongly advocated the use of Pritt Stick glue.

Gradually the sun broke through, it really began to warm up and I told Mr B loudly “Take your trousers off, you’re hot!” I haven't seen Mr B go so pale since our wedding night.

At the end the Headmaster gave a short speech about the building of the school’s new aromatherapy suite and helipad, and asked for contributions to the proposed indoor ski slope. Medals were presented. Boy 1 was then taken away by his proud parents for pizza lunch.

After lunch Mr B, determined to enjoy his day off to the full, went to look at TVs.

I sneaked off to inspect glamour items.

I considered the purchase of Burt Bees cuticle cream as recommended by the nail polish ladies but felt I could not rush into such an important nailcare commitment.

Nail porn - phwoar!

I really need a zippie bag with a cute doggie or puddy on it. Just can't think what I need it for.

Then home for a soothing cup of tea. I feel quite tired now after all my athletics.


  1. hi blighty,

    i've decided i must come and visit to witness all this in person. i'm laughing like crazy and i want to meet you!

    i wish people served cupcakes and champagne when my boys were little and i was stuck, i mean sitting on the sidelines. what are hold ups btw?

    and i hope the school raises enough for the indoor ski slope as this seems the least you can do for the poor kids.

    have a lovely weekend.


  2. Dear Janet, so nice to hear from you, come visit, but I warn you, in real life we drink a lot of tea and sometimes we mow the lawn, it's life on the edge, rock and roll style, you may find it too exciting!! I wished we had had cupcakes and champers too but my boiled sweet was jolly tasty (pear?) and only the tiniest bit of paper refused to peel off.

    Now, most importantly, hold ups are those stocking things that are supposed to stay up by themselves without a suspender belt, due to special clingy substance round top, but I never ever trusted them, and I was proved right..

    Can you believe how deprived children are over here in rural Blightydom - they don't even know where their next chocolate fountain is coming from, shocking I know. Have a great weekend, i am preparing for footie US V England, they have asked me to standby in case they need a top striker to step in...

  3. Hello Blighty
    I am glad that Sports Day ended on a high note!

    Remarkable self control in not buying anything after lunch.

    SSG xxx

  4. Oh Blighty, you are too fun. You do live on the edge.

  5. Dear Blighty, I love your posts :)
    That's all really!
    Cheerio from Newcastle, Australia

  6. Loving the cheer and humor. Will need it this weekend as it's a long weekend here down under. ( queens birthday ) even though she has a birthday another month, us Aussies never say no to a extra day off even if it is the wrong month !! We are taking out 4 kidlets camping ( am complete amateaur and mr even worse) and it's predicted to get down to 1 deg !! Eeeek...
    Bighty we are also playing you in the rugby this sat night I think .....

  7. Yes, we always celebrate a "at least you did not come last" victory after our boys' sports carnivals. Second last never seems so bad as last.

  8. Hi B
    Laughing out loud about the aromatherapy suite, helipad and indoor ski slope. Too Funny! You should've made friends with the champagne and cupcake set or at least created a diversion and nicked their treats while they were looking the other way. Meanwhile my life continues in a bizarre French farce/crazy funeral arrangement style fashion. I speak to every family member about 60 times a day, I cry at inappropriate junctures (in conferences. At fancy restaurants) and I have to deal with the admin of having my home taken over by relations. Frankly, an aromatherapy suite and cupcake/champers combo could be just the ticket. My sister in the UK has given strict dictactorial instructions to the florist over the phone to make the flowers "huge! as if they are for Princess Diana!" and to go in hard with the full blown roses but to take it easy with the carnations. Every time I think of this I laugh. Then I cry. But I laugh 1st. You make me laugh. Keep up the good work. Love to Mr B (this is sure to amuse him no doubt)x

  9. I am a Sports Day failure mum too. Well so were my parents. I was always so surprised ( and embarrassed) to see them if they bothered or remembered. I was usually late for my kids. I think they still hold it against me in their thirties. The funny thing is, I was much better than any of them at sports. Small, fast and enthusiastic whilst they were all tall and languid. Genes? I blame the scientists.

  10. Sounds like sports days in England are very similar to our sports 'carnivals' in Aus, except we have to suffer it the whole day!
    Exceptional willpower in not purchasing an OPI. It can become an addiction which I'm sure the company is aware of because why else is there 928 different shades for a girl to buy.
    As for hold-ups I never had much luck with this malfunctioning annoying invention, probably designed by a male. xx

  11. What a wonderful recount of your boy's day! Looks like a lovely school... ours is so enormous, that that group of boys you have pictured would be one class!... total overcrowding... squeeze 'em in... more fees.

    Very civilized your event too I might add... cupcakes and moet... very. At least you found a sweet in the bottom of your bag.. can always find one in the abyss which is my bag... all answering to the name of 'Fisherman's Friends'... the staple of 'permanently tragic lung persons'.
    Good to hear that we're not the only school collecting for helipads and indoor ski slopes... and our government has just given all our schools massive handouts for new construction! .... it never ends. A-M xx

  12. That is a remarkable thing, the sportsmasters in shorts. It was the coldest morning in the middle of winter here in freezing Brisbane this morning and at 7am at the rugby fields near the river, there was the sports master striding about in, of course, his shorts. He had very nice legs, actually. I guess that's why they do it.

  13. You are just too funny Blighty... nostalgic post too for me - how many of those Sports Days (but minus any Champers and cupcakes I may add!) have I attended when 19 year old girl was small (and sort of did what I told her to!) Get this... Mr SE is rising at 4am to watch the first UK footie match - on at ungodly hour here in Oz due to time differences! I will slumber on !! Good weekend to you.. x

  14. Sports days...who has more fun... parents, staff or students?
    Champers and cupcakes does sound a wee bit over the top....
    I never trusted the hold ups either and that sticky band of elastic gave me a rash!
    I have the Burts Bees cuticle nails are in dire need of help...I suppose I should open the tin and use some...thanks for the reminder!
    Laughing from here.....

  15. So pleased for Boy 1......I know how he must have felt....I too was the kid who came last....although that was ALL the time...

  16. Love you posts!! Coming here starts my day with a hearty laugh, thank you.

  17. You do indeed have immense amounts of fun at your place. And I'm glad the school is doing well in its homeopathic and transport endeavors. I vote puddas for your bag as they look very glamourious - although the doggie one is very cute too. Decisions decisions!

  18. Dear Ladies, thanks to you all for your lovely comments, which have cheered me up on a overcast Saturday morning here in Blightyland, and have just had a battle with Boy 2 as he wants to go to birthday swim party but does not want to go swimming, and later we all have to go to cricket party and Boy 2 furious as this clashes with another birthday party where they are having a chocolate fountain (actually choc fountain much more my scene too) and we all have terrible tension re US v England (Obama and posh Dave telecon re BP) and also small matter of football match between same teams..

    Elizabeth - yay, Newcastle in Aus, we make annual pilgrimage to Newcastle in Uk as where Mr B comes from but sadly he does not have Geordie accent which I love;
    Anon - 4 kidlets camping, you deserve the George Cross;
    FF - chin up my dear, love the sound of going in hard with the roses. Mr B sends love back, I caught him humming to himself and putting on aftershave after he read your note..
    Anne-Marie - only reason I did not succomb to OPI temptation was small boy and bigger husband shouting Come on at me;
    A-M - hope your lungs are getting better, FFriends should clear out your passages !
    Anon - good to hear that sportsmaster in shorts syndrome prevalent in Aus too. You are right about showing off legs, because shorts are really not necessary, quite frankly.
    SEP - what is it about men and footie?? Mr B has already "played" 2 matches and is now physically and emotionally exhausted;
    Hostess - let me know if Burt Bees good. I did not buy because
    a) already lots of lotions in bedside table drawer
    b)don't use any of them
    last night though applied handcream and went to bed in cloth gloves (from last self-improvement phase in 1998); woken later by Mr B laughing at my "pervo gloves". That man has no idea about handcare.
    Kylie - I was a duffer at sport plus an arse (guitar playing with tennis racket etc) so normally teachers would slip me a couple of quid to go to the cinema on Sports days;
    MaiTai - you are very kind and did I mention I love your blog? am planning switching Mr B present campaign from Rolex to Hermes scarf!
    MissKitty - are you by any chance a teeny bit biased in favour of puddies?


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