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Sunday, 13 March 2011

Bin There, Done That

A worrying few days.  My mother (aka Grandma Whacker or the Big G) is in hospital.  Now she is feeling a bit better we are able to laugh a bit about the past few days. Highlights include:
  •  The long, long wait in A&E where we saw a guy go past handcuffed and chained to a policeman; he seemed to have been fast-tracked, so next time I am whacking the handcuffs onto G, which should also make her more cooperative generally;
  • A chap in a baseball cap with a bandaged foot, whose cheery girlfriend said to him, " I don't wanna worry you or nuffin Craig but they keep us waiting much longer, all the tendons in your foot are gonna die..."  He took this in a very resigned fashion. Probably used to Mrs DoomPants;
  • A junior doctor who I swear was about 12 years old;
  • The complete absence of child with saucepan on head.  You know in those old films they always have a kid in the waiting room with a saucepan jammed on its head?  Well I have yet to see this in Real Life. Why?  Have heads and/or saucepans been made a different shape for Elf and Safety reasons?  Or do kids have more exciting things to do these days like hacking into the CIA database or playing poker? (I joke not about the latter, today I found Boys 1 and 2 happily teaching themselves Seven Card Stud ; it is my fault, I picked up a set including a "how to" book from a charity shop and now they want to know what "ante" means; I am a terrible mother but I did once sit next to a woman at a dinner who said her son was a professional poker player and when I asked if he managed to make a living, she said he had just taken delivery of a really I am paving the way for their future financial security).

G and I decided that there must be a Special Treatment Centre for kids with stuff stuck on their heads and that's why you never saw them in A&E.  I then had a brilliant idea for a new business ( Brilliant Business Idea 509).  In London there is a deluxe nursery called PippaPoppins - like a hotel for kids, they will even collect your 4 year old from the airport and take them straight back to PippaPoppins so you don't have to worry about them getting sticky fingers on your Bentley.  My idea: PippaPopOffs (TM) - deluxe removal of any items stuck on toddlers' heads (but not nits or anything live, too much admin and heavy duty chemicals required).  I am already working on the ads: "PippaPopOffs - Make the Bin a Has Bin" or "Don't Lose Your Head - Receptacle Removal with 100% Organic Extra Virgin Olive Oil".  I have some experience in this field.  With Boy 1. Just after this was taken there was a Panic followed by Successful Application of  Oil to Head of Boy 1, and Emergency Application of Stiff Drink to Mouth of Mummy.

  • The scary Nurse Poo (our nickname, not her real name) who was very insistent about G providing, ahem, a stool sample; G explained she had already obliged in Ward 10; but Nurse Poo said Ward 5 needed its very own sample, they were not about to start sharing sh*t with Ward 10; we reckoned there was some sort of sinister inter-ward poop competition going on, and Ward 5 were trailing behind, as it were...
Thank goodness, G seems to have perked up and happily spends her days filling in all the paperwork to order her next meal. In fact she finds my visits really disrupt this important activity.  She has also been reading up a storm.  And wants me to tell Faux Fuchsia that there is a new biography coming out about Edith Sitwell which G thinks FF will like.    Poor Edith, she was made to wear leg braces and some sort of horrid contraption on her nose when she was a child..
I leave you with some important Royal Wedding news.  In Buckinghamshire, where Blighty HQ is situated, the Royal Wedding is raising some serious concerns.

I look forward to the headline in the Bucks Examiner: "Royal Wedding: Bucks does not give two fu hoots about Royal Wedding but bin disruption causes riot."


  1. Blighty

    So glad your mum is feeling better.

    Emergency, emergency. Oh the sights, the sounds, the people.

    Take care everyone at Blighty HQ!

    SSG xxx

    Sydney Shop Girl blog

  2. It sounds just like the emerge here. I'm glad Grandma Whacker is doing well (love that name) and hope your bins remain in order.
    Your Pippy Poppins or whatever sounds like just the ticket. Keep on with the poker, my daughter has friends who paid their way through uni doing just that. I don't think they attended any classes though!

  3. Oh dear we are so happy to have you back.

  4. Dear Blighty,
    Warmest get well thoughts to Grandma G. It really is no fun for the patient or the visitors to be in hospitial one bit. Daughter had a similar experience in A & E in Chelsea with handcuffed patient getting special treatment whilst the dying and bleeding sat for hours.
    We in the Commonwealth are eager to hear of all the major issues regarding the Royal Wedding. Luckily Blighty you have answered one of the important questions that was keeping me awake at night.
    I suspect PippaPoppins has a incredibly long waiting list knowing how difficult some people in London find actually 'caring' for their children. I think your on a winner creating a sub specialty of child care. Stuff the poker you'll make a fortune!
    Kate Bx

  5. Delightful post Blights.
    So glad Grandma W is responding well and getting a kick out of the hospital food menu. How funny Nurse Poo demanding a sample after GW had not long produced one (or should that be twos), like, how easy is it to just pop one out willy nilly?!
    Once spent a night with my Mum in A&E. It was a Saturday night and heavens above the sights we saw and heard were awful. Drug overdoses and drunks mainly...ekk.
    Love the pic of Boy 1 wearing bin on head. Reminds me of the time toddler child 1 (mine) got into the flour bin in the pantry. I had the good sense to take a photo too.
    Stay well

  6. Blighty.
    Glad to hear that all is mending with Grandma Whacker...we didn't have the bin on heads we had beans in the nose!

    Imagine folks getting their knickers in a twist about bin collection and the royal nuptuals...!

    Rest up now Blighty you got some Blog Love...

  7. Really, all I can say is, please write every day. Please.

  8. Glad Grandma whacker is feeling hunky dory. If she is excited about hospital food she'll be out of there before you know it...

    No heads in saucepans is like you don't hear about kids wedging their heads in banisters anymore. Or maybe I'm hanging out with the wrong kinds of kids?

  9. Pippa PopOffs sounds like an obscure reference to the royal Sister In Law to Be, but I'm not sure what! Bucks' young people today just aren't putting in the effort to get their heads trapped in pans. Very poor - but they're prob. too worried about the bins.

  10. That post was rubbish! (Bins, rubbish, geddit?...oh nevermind).

    As for your illicit hobby, I have a joke for you...How do you annoy Lady Gaga? Poke 'er face!

    I'm on fire! (down to A&E then...)

    Get well soon Grandma Whacker.

  11. Since I am an invalid, and we've discussed the Grandma W hossie horror stories as they occurred, I have decided to commit bloggery adultery, or badblogetiquette and cut and past some stuff I've said to you already.

    In all honesty I am being lazy and just want to show off to others, and most important reason is to score points from my most favourite Grandma W in the whole world.


    Say hi to the Big G -tell her to get out of there quickly. If she doesn't hurry up and leave Ward 5 I'm going to call her the Bog G instead of the Big G.
    Give her a big hug and kiss from her adopted Australian daughter/niece/backpacker/insert appropriate noun at your own leisure.
    In emergency ward at public hospital on night of my accident, I had 3 prisoners in handcuffs with two policemen each, in the beds beside me - so I win that one hands down. (The handcuffs stay on while they are being treated too).
    Lots of love
    Oooooh,and a semi eye open, and teensy tail wag from the Fire Hero..

    Tell Grandma W – I am betting on her any day to beat Nurse Poo.
    Also would like to offer a Grandma W vs Ward 5 challenge – order and have delivered a pizza for lunch one day, I’ll pay up £20 for photographic evidence. That’s a bet and a deal!
    Love Lou

  12. Dear Mrs Blighty, I am sorry to hear that you have had a worrying few days but relieved that the Big G is better and focussed on hospital menus. I was exactly the same and used to send Mr LiC off to play golf (we were home waiting to have Baby A) as he too was interrupting this important activity. What can I say? A girls has to develop an interest no matter where she is. I am at lunch with Mr LiC - he has a day off and he laughed and laughed at this post. His contribution, apart from noting that Aussie children generally require the extraction of peas from noses (actually this happened to me when I was four) was that Graham Greene thought very highly of Edith Sitwell. Regarding the bins, what happened to the legendary stiff upper lip of the English - it is not as if the Royal Wedding threatens the twice daily delivery of the post! Do you still have mail delivered twice a day? Anyway, so glad you are back! Lindaxxx

  13. After tasting some of the local hospital food, I surmise that the poo collection is for internal consumption. Boy 1 should stick to wearing his underpants on his head. Not so hard to remove. I hope Big G gets out soon Hospital is no place for the sick.

  14. Number two is a scream and I love the handcuff idea.
    I do love having the ability to laugh in stressful situations, God knows how we'd get through otherwise.

  15. I have laughed my socks off at this!

    I can confirm that when I was rushed into hospital with a very dodgy appendix, there WAS a small boy who had stuck a 1p piece up his nose. I thought I was hallucinating thanks to the burst appendix, but my mother confirms that there was indeed a boy with a penny up his nose.

    Small boys are supposed to have bins on their heads. Not sure about the stool situation. Sounds a bit suspect if you ask me. How many poos can a small boy do.

    Good news that your mother is feeling better :-)

    Ali x

    I LOVED the 'will the Royal Wedding affect my bin collection?'

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