Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
cannot guarantee nut-free

Friday, 4 June 2010

Tights of Death ("TODs")

This topic is inspired by what is going on in my drawers.
Sorry, I’ll re-phrase that. Let’s try again.
As a 40++++++ woman you would have thought by now I would have learnt to stick with what suits me, sartorially. I have short legs. (I suspect I am descended from a Welsh pit pony, which raises questions about my forbears I don’t even want to begin to think about). So I know that the most flattering tights for me are plain, black, dark brown, and if I want to be adventurous, grey. Plain, plain, plain. Any sort of pattern will increase my calf diameter visually by 100% and will further emphasise the shortfall in the leg length department. Bright wacky colours will also draw attention in the wrong sort of way, risk provoking a migraine and, most seriously, cause Mr B to enquire when the pantomine season starts.

Please don't think I'm against groovy tights in principle. Gals with long lanky limbs can do fancy: the other day Sea of Shoes was sporting a very nice leopard patterned pair, but she has very long, slim legs and so can get away with it. The lovely Faux Fuchsia was totally rocking some fishnets a few months ago, but she has Killer Pins. They are just not a good idea for me.

Also, I am old enough to have already tried lively tights in the 1980s and so Should Know Better. (I still get horrific flashbacks of a royal blue pair with black polka dots, which I paired with a matching royal blue jacket, yikes).

I include in the TOD category those annoying tights which are so voluminous they pull up to under my armpits and the kind, big or small, whose crotch creeps persistently downwards leading to manoeuvres normally only seen in certain bars in Bangkok.

And don't get me started on my adventures in stocking and suspender land, and the dread holdups, which malfunctioned on one leg at the end of a meeting during my former life as a lawyer; how come normally at the end of meetings everyone scarpers leaving me alone gathering up my papers and eating the last of the biscuits, but on this occasion I appeared irresistible to one chap who lingered, thus preventing a discreet rearranging of undergarments?

Plain tights are a good and classic option

No, no, no, TOD alert!

Why then do I have a whole drawer full of TODs? And when do I buy these? I can NEVER recall doing so, but unless there is some sort of random tights fairy who breaks into the house and deposits strange tights while I am sleeping, I must have done.

The TOD drawer can really drag you down

Finally, I should explain why TODs have this rather tasteless moniker. Apart from my sad need to over-dramatise trivial everyday annoyances, the story is as follows: A few months ago, I pop on what I considered to be very jaunty black dotty tights. When I appear in the kitchen Boy 2 shouts cheerfully, “ERRRRRRRRRG, Mummy’s got spots all over her legs. That means she’s going to die!” How lovely, what a sweet, caring child. Boy 1 chips in, “No you mustn’t say that.” My heart lifts, at least one of them is developing some sensitivity and so may not grow up a psychopath after all. Boy 1 adds in a deep, lugubrious voice, “You must say “Mummmmmmmeeeeeeee is going to diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie.”



  1. Blighty,
    Do not listen to the children. They are prone to drama and creativity. The tights are gorgeous on you.

    By the way, the acronym TODs also makes me think of Tods the shoes - which can only be good!

    I am a fan of over-dramatizing. Sometimes, us sturdy and sensible halves of the relationship need to be heard - over the sound of cooking and ironing and returning home with the shopping.

    Have a great weekend!

    SSG xxx

    PS - sorry for essay. I am being very free with my thoughts today. :-P

  2. Dear ladies, thanks for your nice comments, SSG - flip, now I will get sued by Tods, how to break the news to Mr B??

  3. Blighty, your blog is hilarious, glad you started it...I found out about it via my fellow Australians FF and SSG.

    As for the Rolex, I had to buy mine first, then the blog came...haha.

    Keep up the great work!

  4. You look lovely with those pearl earrings and matching necklace, and very different without the scarf!

  5. I swear the glamorous little munchkin in these photos has a different expression on her face in every shot!
    Blighty I can't wait to view the other 'looks' you have in store for her. I can hear the sartorialist knocking on your door, clamouring to capture her street style.
    Hearing you about the tights drawer... tights do seem to breed like rabbits :|

  6. Blighty, you brighten up my Saturday evening at home in OZ... I am laughing out loud (is this LOL in cooler speak ?) and I adore your 'model' in tights - (tell me, what happens to the tail though?).... And your pins look great in those tights in last photo - don't listen to boys No.1 and 2 and ignore all references to pit ponies etc...!! p.s. - glad you like my orange bag. x

  7. Hi Blighty,
    I've been following your posts on FF's Blog and find your comments absolutely hilarious!
    So glad you've started your own blog so you can now bring it to the masses. Your unique take on matters has me in stitches. I can relate to so much of what you write as I hav two terrors of my own. Loving your blog!!

  8. Oh how funny. I will chose my tights carefully from now on. For the sake of the children.

  9. dearest blighty,

    i must say i love you! no one makes me laugh out loud this early in the morning. no one. except you my dear and ff. the bangkok reference did it.

    your legs look pretty long and lean in that photo.

    oh the joy of raising boys!


  10. Blighty, you are great!

  11. I too thought this was going to be about TODS shoes etc ( Mr Mouse is former IP lawyer....will not tell him about this possible infringement).....
    I love your pearls- wondering whether you could accessorise with some hair next time? Or are you happy with your all over body fur.
    PS After trying nearly every brand of cheap to mid range tights....have discovered THE BEST TIGHTS EVER....Jonathan Aston....English I think.

  12. Dear B
    I love your little bear baby thing frocked up in tights. Do your boys mind??? Tis freezing here and not in a good way. Did you see SATC 2 with your freinds? Thoughts? xxxx

  13. Dear ladies, thanks for all your comments, very much appreciated.
    FF - Boy2 was horrified to find his bushbaby (called NubNub)all dressed up the other day, as NubNub is in fact a boy; just what I need in my life, a gender confused cross dressing marsupial...but of all the stuffed toys scattered about the place, I find he has the body shape which most resembles my own. He seems to have become essential as the blog's house model/muse - well, if Karl has Amanda, I need NubNub.

    Dear Kylie, thanks for the tip off about Jonathan Aston, I visited their website once but did not buy, but I am sure JA is the way forward!

  14. Love the post about Mr B having no shirts, coincidentally Mr Septic seems to always have the very same problem (except that his shirts are always at the dry cleaners, to be washed and ironed, since I can't be bothered). Re: tights, I must put my vote in for DKNY tights, spent many years in NYC trying all kinds and they are the best and last forever--but alas are hard to find. I tend to get SCD (Severe Crotch Droppage) with Jonathan Aston tights.

  15. What! I thought the little fury creaure was YOU!


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