Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
cannot guarantee nut-free

Monday, 7 June 2010

The Morning Scramble

The boys are back to school today after half-term, so the morning scramble has also re-started. No matter how hard I try to prepare ahead (clothes hung on hooks, bags packed, cattle prod fully charged) it always seems to descend into frantic chaos. I realised things were getting out of hand a while ago when a neighbour, a very nice retired lady, told me she and her husband always enjoyed watching our progress (or lack of it) up the road every morning (for example, Boy 2 lying in protest flat out on the pavement, me pulling Boy 1 out of a hedge or from behind someone’s dustbin..)

It was already a challenge. Then, in a brilliant attempt to make my life even more exciting, I decided to embrace glamour, or at least, try to get myself out of the house looking presentable rather than in Nutella-covered pyjamas. It is all to do with getting older and realising I need all the help I can get, looks-wise, and this means blowdrying my hair into a respectable shape – beautiful young girls can get away with straight, shoulder-length hair still damp from the shower, but I was looking haggard and worryingly like Rasputin on a bad hair day.

Parlux as recommended by FF and top hairdressers
So the morning timeline now goes something like this:
5.45am Mr B arises, ablutes, breakfasts and departs in one swift, fluid operation (that man can really move when he wants, as evidenced by the wedding escape attempt, so glad I went for the armed guard option when arranging the wedding cars).
6.35am I dream about Leonardo di Caprio, though worryingly fantasy involves me going to collect Leonardo’s car from valet parking; so sad that even my dreams involve boring admin tasks and even sadder that I find this really quite exciting.
6.45am Boy 1 standing by my bed fully dressed including school tie, looking vaguely menacing.
6.47am Haul sorry carcass to shower.
7.05am Prepare myself mentally and physically for Blow Drying Operation. Apply Sectioning Clips as advised by hairdresser (had never heard of these before and Mr B v amused, saying he always thought I needed sectioning*, ha ha, Mr B, ha ha).
7.06am Begin drying operation.
7.07am Incredible wailing and screaming from region of Boy 2. Ignore, carry on drying.
7.08am Boys 1 and 2 now involved in violent verbal altercation, then hysterical crying from Boy 2. Switch off dryer most reluctantly and investigate. Boy 2, clad only in underpants, is puce and covered in tears and shouts “He’s stolen my £5 note.” Go into top investigative mode and finally, after extensive cross-examination and forensic work, ascertain that:
Boy 2 gave Boy 1 £5 note (gift from Grandma) in return for 2 Pokemon cards several weeks ago;
Boy 2 now wishes to undo deal;
Boy 1 feels a contract is a contract.
7.30am I invoke dodgy equitable principles à la esteemed judge/lawlord, cite “restitutio in integrum” which I vaguely remember from term 1 of law degree and make Boy 1 give back money and Boy 2 return cards.
7.35am Return to hair which has now dried in funny way and sticks up due to sectioning clips.
7.40am Realise time, abandon hair, rush downstairs, frantically get Nutella all over kitchen worktop and self, throw assorted foodstuffs at boys, make hot chocolate which Boy 2 NEVER actually drinks.

Breakfast, a time of calm and quiet and undrunk hot chocolate

7.50am Boy 1 now lounging comfortably on sofa in kitchen deep in book, refusing to do teeth, put shoes on or remove Nutella from face, on grounds that we are irredeemably late, and it is all my fault for “lying in bed snoring”.
7.55am Chase both boys round kitchen table as part of morning exercise regime.
8am Load boys, rucksacks, tennis rackets, cricket bats, book bags etc into boot of car.
8.01am Let boys out of boot of car so they can climb into car seats.
8.04am Decant boys at school, wave merrily and drive off at top speed.
8.06am Return to school as have forgotten to unload clobber from boot.
8.10am Return home and survey the scene, lie down till feelings of futility and exhaustion pass..
And the best thing? We get to do it all again tomorrow!

Has that child gone to school without socks on again?
Dental hygiene is so important

No, words fail me, I'm off for another lie down

* UK Mental Health Acts


  1. I was worn out just reading that! I need a lie down too.

  2. dear blighty,

    this is all quite amusing to me. i love it all and can relate to every last word. throw in one more boy and you have my life. excuse me, my old life thank goodness.


  3. Hahahahahahahahahaha. I know JUST how that old lady up the street from you feels now! She feels like, this. Ha! I USED to have to do that and I don't ANY MORE! And she also feels like this. Aw. Aw. Little boys. Siblings. Their sleeping selves. Aw. A mom. Who loves them. Aw.

    She also wants to tell you that drying your hair is overrated and growing it out into a ponytail is a long-used helpful strategy with no dishonor.

  4. OH I am laughing reading have a great wit!
    ...and you do deserve a lie down...
    My children were very difficult to get going in the mornings as matter how early they went to bed it was the same scenario the next day!

  5. Absolutely brilliant.. you are living my life... over there... right down to the money argument!... your turn of phrase brings giggle tears to my eyes. The Mr B's of this world have got it easy in the mornings haven't they! After all that, I say put ya feet up love. A-M xx

  6. You crack me up! You make me laugh out loud - this is so relatable. I would love to be the lady up the road and share Friday evening drinks with you, I think you would be so much fun. Enjoy your peace while the kids are at school.

  7. Why does this post make me slightly fearful of what the future holds for me? Driving off at speed, does seem like a good idea!

  8. Oh god...thsi sounds like my mornings....and girls haven't even started school yet!! What is it about small children and the reluctance to get dressed/ go to toilet/brush teeth????
    PS On a tangent here....I have a heating question for you ...we are just about to move into new house and it has the same hydronic? heating panels I see in your's not very common here in Melbourne- most places have gas ducted heating...I'm told the panel thingies will be much better- can you reassure me?? Do they take forever to heat place up???

  9. Oh god...this sounds like my mornings....and girls haven't even started school yet!! What is it about small children and the reluctance to get dressed/ go to toilet/brush teeth????
    PS On a tangent here....I have a heating question for you ...we are just about to move into new house and it has the same hydronic? heating panels I see in your's not very common here in Melbourne- most places have gas ducted heating...I'm told the panel thingies will be much better- can you reassure me?? Do they take forever to heat place up???

  10. You definitely deserve a lie down - and I'll have one with you after reading that! I understand your pain though - I am not a morning person and having to get up almost kills me. I commend you for wanting to look glam in the mornings - the bast I can do is bedhead (in dire need f a trim) accessorised with a scowl. But I am okay with that! Acceptance is important I think.

    Looking forward to reading the next installment of The Blightys!

  11. Do I miss those school mornings, ummm let me thinkaboutitforasecondnoooo.
    If I'm not working or have no urgent need to haul myself out of bed I find it extremely wonderful to roll over and go back to sleep.
    So it will get better Blighty, there is a life after school :) x

  12. Ha ha, yep, my life too. Mr M also does the speedy getaway. Do you think it is genetic?

  13. Dear ladies, thanks for your cheery thoughts, very encouraging on a rainy morning here in UK (summer appears to be over).
    Dear Kylie, sorry, I put your comments in twice, and now can't undo it! Those heating panels you refer to are called radiators here and most houses here have them as part of a gas central heating system. This is a subject close to my heart and Mr B will be contacting you shortly with his full presentation on condenser boilers and Megaflo pressurised hot water tanks, tell me, do you ever have trouble sleeping? You won't once Mr B really warms to his subject.. Anyway rads work really well, no doubt you will have a thermostat on the wall which can control the room temp (I am forever turning it up and Mr B turning it down) also rads good for drying small boy pants and socks. Top Tip: sometimes rads get air in them and need "bleeding" to let air out, but NEVER ask your husband to do this on Christmas eve in cold UK as it can shut down the heating completely until Boxing Day when you pay a plumber trillions of pounds to fiddle with a switch you did not know about, to get the heat on again; opening presents with small boys at 6am in a freezing room is not very festive...
    very smart people with new houses have underfloor heating so no unsightly rads, I caught Mr B trying to have it in our new bathroom but vetoed it on grounds of expense and where I come from it is important to suffer as much as possible (Protestant, rationing from WW2 continued by my mother during 60s and early 70s);
    Dear Miss Kitty-Cat, that name is very saucy, and thank you for offering to lie down with me but this is not that sort of blog, I am afraid. Bx P.S. Purrrrrrr!

  14. Quiet and discrete operation
    Good for the environment, reduced carbon dioxide emissions compare to electrical heaters....Gas Ducted Heating Repairs

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