Mrs Blighty's guide to popular music

I am NOT having a midlife crisis. I have just entered a new phase of the whole life crisis which started when I was 12 and will no doubt go on into the afterlife (when I will be the first demon ever to try accessorising PVC and pitchforks with broderie anglaise).

The latest phase is listening to Capital Radio, a commercial radio channel "broadcasting live from London's Leicester Square" whose target audience is 18 - 25 year old office workers, couriers, builders and white van man. You can get an idea of the quality of its output if I tell you it currently features "Fitballers" - a daily segment where Lisa, the chirpy morning show co -presenter tells us which World Cup players are, well, fit, with excruciating jokes about playing up front, tackle, etc. And when they do the weather, they sing "Showery Rain, Showery Rain" to the tune of Prince's "Purple Rain". What's not to like?

I can in my defence point out that it was Boy 1 who started the Capital Radio listening. He is now 9 which is apparently the age when boys get interested in pop music and start forming bands (Boy 1's band is called Feedback and he is sound engineer and roadie, on account of not actually playing any instruments and a slight problem with vocal -er - accuracy). Boy 1 came home from school talking excitedly about JLS, which I thought was one of those furniture warehouses that always advertise on telly on Boxing Day: "Stain resistant red leather-look corner sofa that will seat 20 of your closest friends - only £999.99." But it turns out that JLS is a boy band. A very quiet, unassuming boy in Boy 1's class is to all accounts the world's living authority on JLS and JLS Superfan.

But I can't blame Boy 1 for the fact that I now tune into Capital at home while he is in school, and in the car, even when on my own. The sad truth is that I like it, it's very soothing as their playlist only includes about 20 songs, so on average you hear the same song about 8 times day. Very reassuring. I like to know where I am.

The constant repetition (even while I type this I have heard at least 3 of the songs I mention below) means I am starting to pick up the words and felt I should share with you my thoughts on pop lyrics, 2010 style.

To summarise, the lyrics are all very soppy and poetic, hopelessly romantic. The love object in question is definitely being put on a pedestal and worshipped from afar.

For example, JLS are currently riding high with their smash hit, "The clubs are alive with the sound of disco" which features the memorable lines :
" You can be the DJ,
I can be the dancefloor
You can get up on me".

Quite.

And a guy called Usher is so bashful, he will never get anywhere with the girls:
"Honey got a booty like pow pow pow,
Honey got some boobies like wow wow wow"

The soppy fool.

 Usher in hat being soppy

 Another song (Got Nothing On You - B.O.B. featuring Bruno Mars) starts well, with a bold declaration of affection:

"Beautiful girls all over the world

I could be chasing but my time would be wasted

They got nothing on you babe.."

But then all is ruined by the uber-mushy:
"you wild when you ain't got nothing on,

baby you the whole package plus you pay your taxes

and you keep it real while them other stay plastic
you're my wonder women call me mr. fantastic"

My current favourite though is an energetic young lady called Rihanna, who is very clear about her needs as as woman.

She sings "Come here rude boy, boy can you get it up?"

And then "Tonight baby we can get it on, yeah, we can get it on"

I really admire her determination to motivate her partner to build that IKEA* bookcase and get it attached to the walls. Her devotion to DIY obviously knows no bounds.

But in being so practical, I fear she has gone to the other extreme. Where, I ask, is the romance?

Oh, what's that Rihanna?

"Give it to me baby like boom boom boom"
No, still on about that bookcase.
Ikea Billy bookcase, comes in other colours too

*infamous Swedish furniture store, a big hit with unsuspecting Brits. Items come flatpacked with cryptic instructions in Swenglish, average build time 22 months, frequently cited in divorce petitions.