Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
cannot guarantee nut-free

Thursday, 22 September 2011

A Worrying Pair

Dahlings, there are two members of Blighty Limited who are giving me cause for concern.

First, Boy 2.

I was prepared to overlook this (and blame it on all those wildlife programmes he watches).

Mummy: Can you stop playing now and get out of the bath?
Boy 2: OK, Mummy, the killer whale just has to finish off the seal..

I decided this was just a sign of his keen interest in History and not a warning of  Hannibal Lecter tendencies.

Excerpt from Boy 2's school report - proof that teachers do have a sense of humour or evidence of something more sinister?

But this.

Boy 1 was being particularly noisy and annoying the other evening when Boy 2 was doing his spelling homework.  I do vaguely recall Boy 2 saying something along the lines of "Mummy can't we tape his mouth over?"  It was only later I noticed he had got the electrician's tape from the toolbox in the garage...

So the youngest in the Blighty family is a worry. But so is the more senior end.

I thought Grandmas were supposed to sit serenely doing sewing and smelling of Parma violets and face powder, and for excitement might listen to The Archers.

Not so Grandma Whacker.  During her recent stay she was engrossed in these rugged detective novels set in Edinburgh,  which she has recently discovered at her local library*. 

The dialogue is, to put it mildly, quite robust.   You know you are in trouble when Grandma is reading lines like this, spoken by our hero after he has visited a very rough council estate :

"Later, eh. I've just escaped Deliverance territory and I'm mightily relieved not to have a length of hillbilly parked in my farter..."

Should I contact the library and ask them not to let her have any more books by this author?

Must go.  Have to hide the electrician's tape again.

Truth Lies Bleeding; and
Long Time Dead, all by Tony Black.
I have now read Gutted and must say it's excellent, and a refreshing contrast to the whimsical Corduroy Mansions of Alexander McCall Smith


  1. Will she be adopting this interesting parlance in everyday conversation? I should think it would make her a Draw at social events. In these egalitarian times a bit of background adjustment is always handy - my daughter is going around telling everyone she is descended from Horse Thieves and people who have been to Essex - praps I should take up a Tony Black novel and see if I can't give her a bit more colour. xxx

  2. Very good insights Mrs E! Most comforting! Am standing by for phone call from the Big G demanding I remove this post at once!

  3. You see, Grandma Whacker is still teaching you things. Just don't let Boy2 read those books.

  4. Watch out for ear nibbling. It all has to start somewhere. Maybe Grandma whacker needs her own TV series. It probably wouldn't air in the USA on account of the Hillbilly reference. They get so upset.

  5. Dear Mrs Blighty, I love a Scottish detective! Rebus was a particular favourite. Learning that there is a new series of detective stories set in Scotland has put a spring in my step. I think you mentioned that the Big G is a linguist - I would imagine she is simply (for academic purposes only) ensuring that she remains current with the argot of that specific part of Scotland. Boys 1 & 2 make me laugh. I am glad to see they make the most of whatever is around them. Imagine how useful they would be on a desert island! I would pick them any day day of the week over any other little boys of our acquaintance. love Lindaxxx

  6. Ha! I am glad that my children aren't the only deranged bunch out there.

  7. Seriously cracking up at the whale swallowing seal pic Blights. Of course I second guessed before reading on and thought 'wow we have flying ducks on walls down here and over there you lot have killer whales eating seals'.

    When I visit England again, one day, I just have to meet Grandma W. Oh and you too dahling.

  8. I think your kids are showing character - obviously inspired by, erm, David Attenborough, Bear Grylls and possibly Peter Sutcliffe. But don't worry until they start asking you about 'comdoms' which is, I'm sure you'll agree, a big step up from my son's last query about 'corndogs'.

    The Scottish Detective books - I'll have to have a read at one of those! Mme Whacker sounds like she would be QUITE at home on Sauchiehall Street on a Saturday night when the pubs shut. *nods approvingly*

    Keep the Tape handy, in case there are loose lips during Downton Abbey of an evening....

    Ali x

  9. Sarah

    Thanks for the mention - don't be worried about poor Gus! He's back on the sauce and brawling already!

    Tone :)

  10. Dear Tony Thank you for taking the trouble to comment, very kind of you. Am totally gripped by "Loss" now; am worried about all the speed Gus is taking, and also that he is hiding it in the toilet cistern, I feel this can only lead to plumbing problems..


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