Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
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Saturday, 10 September 2011

Mouth Guards And Other Daphnes4Boyz News

Just two days ago Boys 1 and 2 returned to the country club cunningly disguised as a school, known as Daphnes4Boyz*. Of course, now it's the weekend, so we are having a well-earned break..again..don't want to burn ourselves out too soon..

To keep us poor befuddled parents on our toes there have been a few changes:
The Library is now the Drama room/second dining hall;
The Drama studio is the now the Library;
The School Uniform Shop is now the Geography Room;
The Store Cupboard is now the School Uniform Shop;
The Headmaster has swapped offices with the Bursar;
The Bursar is now a man**;
No motor vehicles*** are allowed to drive through the school, except the school minibus which will bear down on you unexpectedly just as you are bending down to tie up Boy 1's laces;
Mr Gummage the Science Master's hair has changed colour., to darkish brown with alarming gingery undertones.

Other things remain the same:
the Changing Rooms remain on an entirely different Time Zone to the rest of the school - 5 minutes inside their humid portals equals 1hour 10 minutes in the outside world; for example, Boy 1 "pops in" to collect his kit mid-September and comes out just in time for Christmas...
the amount of kit required by each boy equals body weight of boy x 5 kilos + 2 bricks + weight of one medium sized classmate gagged, bound and shoved in bag but deduct engine size of Range Rover or other deluxe 4x4  but add on weight of  1 cement mixer if you walk home..

Here at Blighty HQ we have been thrown into despair and dismay by the non-fitting of Boy 2's fancy schmancy bespoke mouth guard****, needed for that violent mudfest called Rugby. The mouth guards arrived, moulds having been taken of small boys' mouths - quite which small boys I know not..  Cue application of boiling water (to mouth guard of course), attempts at remoulding (mouth guard, not Boy 2), wailing, shrieks of agony, predictions of thwarted rugby glory etc.

Never mind.  Another change is that there is now a MAP, yes a MAP of  the playing fields which will be written up to allow parents to work out exactly which pitch their son is playing on.

No longer will I have to wander around the entire playing field trying to spot my offspring - let's face it, they all look the same in the mud, all arms and legs and pinky-white and jiggling about...

Damnation!  I can no longer claim to having arrived on time for the match but to have been terribly delayed by  not being able to locate the exact pitch..

*formerly known as Daphnes4Boy$ but rebranded over the summer hols due to the US debt crisis and the loss of that country's AAA credit rating, payment of school fees can now be made in gold or copper.
** result of new appointment, not gender reassignment.
*** legacy of Archgate - when delivery lorry over-optimistic about height of arch linking school buildings so took a few important bits of the arch with it on its way through.
****it seems this blog is in danger of turning into an outpost of the British Dental Association.


  1. Well if it was boy 1 he wouldn't need the mouth guard would he! I love I love your asterisk #1. Ha.

  2. whoops I don't love it that much.

  3. oh blighty. why are you not making money doing this? seriously.

  4. Have your boys been growing again? It makes a mockery of ones attempts to get equipment that fits! Don't worry - the deformity of jaw caused by ill-fitting gumshield is considered quite attractive in some circles, and a pre-requisite for Sandhurst entry! xxx

  5. Bwahahahahahaha. You remind me so much of so many great British humorists. Like a combo of that guy who drew ponies, and Gerald Durrell and his animal books. Oh, and Cold Comfort Farm.

  6. Deb - sorry! But UK economy in bad state too.
    Janet - pay me lots and I will stop doing my awful puns
    Mrs Exeter - i suspect Boy 2 did not sit still when impression taken of his teeth..I know it's hard to imagine, a small boy not sitting still..
    LPC - why thank you! I was brought up on the Thelwell books ( "A Leg at Each Corner etc) and I love "Cold Comfort Farm".

    ANOTHER post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Are you vitamins or something?

  8. Ah... we too have lived through the gag reflex inducing mouth guard debacles. It would have just been easier and cheaper for me to go and do my dentistry degree than it was to have the mouth guard made and fitted. Honestly I had less fittings with my wedding dress.

  9. Dear Mrs Blighty, I think one needs a break after having to process all those changes in your boys' school. I had never before understood the reason why my progeny take so long when they 'pop in for a moment' was they were crossing into a different time zone - but of course this is the only logical explanation! Wishing you much fortitude in the coming week - I'd be arming up to the eyeballs! love Lindaxxx

  10. Blighty,
    These posts are just genius. Have you heard all that stuff about happiness and wellbeing mattering more than money? I understand your govt is gettng quite into it...which I suspect may come in handy if they aren't so good with the money bit-? You are increasing our wellbeing soo much with all these fab posts, maybe Daphnes could get you to cheer up the staff instead of charging you fees payable in gold and copper?
    Ruby xx

  11. Dear Louise, we all know it won't last!
    Dear Moerks - i saw the Games Master today and he said mouthguards were their biggest headache (jaw ache?) and I suggested they just pulled out all the boys' teeth, I do hope he realised I was joking.
    Dear Linda - different time zone is the reason, Prof Hawkins explained it all to me.


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