In Which I am Almost Elizabeth Hurley

Dahlings, me and Miss Elizabeth Hurley have long led parallel lives....we are practically indistinguishable...(climbs back onto chair after mad fit of laughing at own joke as usual...)

As I may have mentioned in passing  a propos of nothing at all to a few people Everybody I Know (plus a terrified stranger in the frozen foods section of Tesco), Boy 1 went to the same posho pre-prep school in London attended by Miss Hurley's son....in fact, I did say hello to her once: she was waiting to put money in the parking meter and I was trying to get Boy 2 to relinquish his death grip on said parking meter after I made the mistake of letting him feed in the coins...as I wrestled with the octopus like Boy 2 who clung on like a demented limpet while turning puce, I feel me and Miss Hurley really bonded... (note to self: need to calm down on the marine imagery/Jacques Cousteau dvds).


Here's Boy 1 back in the day:

And here is further visual evidence that we were batting way out of our league by signing up for that school: *

From CBBC News website

From Famecrawler website - yes really

Later my life and that of Miss Hurley again interconnected: the very week news of Miss Hurley's relationship to Shane Warne became public, highly compromising photos of me surfaced on the internet** and I was forced to deny rumours of an involvement with cricketer Wayne Shorn.

 And now we have another convergence.  You may recall Miss Hurley's elaborate wedding complete with Indian costume and dancing.

From Hello magazine

Well, only the other night I attended Greggs Grammar's very own Bollywood evening.

Here's my outfit.

Mr Blighty came too and I knew we were in for a good night when he mentioned he was going to leave his vest off as he might get too hot.  Phwoarrrr Mr Blighty, you animal you!

Mr Blighty followed the dance demonstration by Mr Jay Kumar very carefully - he particularly liked the move known as "change the light bulb" (though he did express concerns about whether Mr Kumar was properly certified as an electrician).  Tremendous fun! Here's a clip Mr Kumar in action.

Better go now dahlings, I'm expecting a call from Estee Lauder's people...

T, thanks for the bindi, sets off my eyes a treat

 *But worth every penny in terms of the anecdotes I have wrung out of it...

** ok, I admit I put the photos on the internet myself and on my own blog, but it's not easy being a D list sleb you know..



Blighty Does Coloured Jeans

Hello Dahlings!  How are we all?


Well, you know how I don't like to be left out.  So the other day, when my first and biggest blogcrush, Ms Faux Fuchsia mentioned her new pink jeans and asked what we were styling ours up with, I felt duty bound to Get In On The Act.

I mean, it's all very well talking about coloured jeans when you are tall and blonde and beautiful; but we also need this crucial fashion trend treated from the perspective of a small marsupial with little stumpy legs and a round tummy... deranged middle aged mother..


Here are my newish bluebell blue jeans, in the sale from old Toppers.

I plan on pairing them with this new, also in the sale from old Toppers, top.

I like a top that screams PMT purchase..

I also love a photo that says can't be bothered with camera settings and other techy stuff..

Excitingly, the bluebell jeans also go with my beloved very old Brora cashmere, in the days when you could just about get something from Brora without approaching the IMF first..

 I don't wear this jumper as often as I should, considering how much I love it.  Do you do this?  This saving things for best malarkey, which is CRAZY, really we should wear and wear our nicest clothes - and not settle for the ok but not that special ones ...

I can also style my jeans up/back/off/ under/with * this gingham number - I like a top that says "Howdy, I am your waitress for the evening at Big Hal's All You Can Eat Country Bar - Be - Queue"

Oh look, another pair of reduced Toppers jeans, in dodgy pink stripy material and with the sale sticker still attached...dead classy me..

 This polka dot number can go with my red jeans - I like an outfit that says "I too can present a children's TV programme, have you seen what I can do with a balloon?"

And this lacy knitted nylon number from H&M - in theory horrid, in practice actually very flattering..

Final unique styling tips

For that Edgy Look accessorise your coloured jeans with:

• sulky pre-teen boy with scowl and small brother in arm-lock
• light coating of Nutella chocolate spread on right thigh
• flowery apron and slippers
• ankle bulge formed by yesterday's sock trapped inside trouser leg

Right. I'm off for a lie down and a rich tea biscuit.  Being a fashion icon is just exhausting.

Shoptastic

Unlike Daphne, my hair is naturally this colour..
Wearing my new spotted silk scarf from Phase 8 and leopard print belt from Zara

Dahlings, I really feel I have been neglecting my role as deranged marsupial style icon to the masses.  One cannot just leave it to Daphne Guinness.  But recently I have been sooo occupied with riot control, kettling and star charts that I have scarcely had time for matters sartorial.  Do forgive me.

Things have not been going that well on the clothes front. Remember the terrible skirt I bought on-line (now safely returned to the Big Warehouse in the Sky)? Well I have experienced another Nasty On-line Buy - ("Nob") - yes, I have had to invent a whole new word to cover this recurring nightmare. I present my latest Nob.

Dress X- Small from Gap, shurely shome mistake, which explains why I am doing the Monty Python Mr Gumby stance.
Nobs - will the nightmare never end?

 Last week I went for a little light shopping with two Mummy friends. We hit up the local Happy Valley Shopping Centre.

Of course, union rules provide that no mother of male children can pursue retail activities without buying some sort of sporting equipment for said male child.   So we found ourselves in the Sports Shop discussing the merits of size 4 bats versus size 3, octopus grips, knocking in (isn't this what got us into the union in the first place?) and oiling your bat.

Look at these prices - but these are for adult cricketers who take it Very Seriously

  

I wondered whether I should get one of these hats - who knew Philip Treacy sold off the peg numbers like these? 

 

Things hotted up when we went into House of Fraser.  Look at these shoes!  When did shoes get so high? And so fetishistic?

These and the shoes below are Kurt Geiger

The leopard and red ones are very understated I feel, for Minnie Mouse

Look close - these are bugtastic

The result of a plot between orthopaedic surgeons, insurance companies and personal injury lawyers?

The girlfriends and I had a laugh trying on lots of clothes and coming out of the changing rooms in fits of giggles - it was like being a teenager again...  I did not buy anything except for the spotty silk scarf I am modelling in the first pic in this post.

But you can't keep a shoptart down - this week I popped up to London and had a toddle round Oxford Street, ending up in Selfridges.  I spotted this chap by the Creme de la Mer counter, probably about to spend the fee from his latest movie on a pot of skin serum.

Mr Clive Owen

He looked at me with ill-concealed lust  failed to register my existence and so I had a good peruse of the OPI stand and bought this orange polish from their Summer 2011 Texas range.

  

On the right is the OPI polish, on the left  a polish from Accessorize in Starlet, cheap as chips but my goodness, it stays on like a dream

When I had finished annoying the OPI ladies by putting the polishes back in the wrong place (nail polish, bringing people together) and walked back past the Creme de la Mer counter Mr O was still there - bless, either he was lurking, hoping to talk to me or there was some terrible shortage of premium unguents for Hollywood A listers.. He was very tall, tanned and striking, in a dark suit.  But I just know he wouldn't have Mr Blighty's drafting skills...

I faced the ever hectic MAC counter at Selfridges and bought a lipstick called Vegas Vamp.

I hear that lipstick sales are up, an indicator of economic downturn; hear that Mr B? I am not spendthrift, I am an important economic indicator...

I like MAC - they don't take themselves too seriously.  I picked this lipgloss up a while ago - it's got a pic of Cruella de Ville on it, a true style icon indeed, though not dog friendly..

A few other things winked at me and asked me to take them home:

  

Orange belt from Zara

Dress from H&M - I took Piglet and his knitted vest from Winnie the Pooh as my style inspiration

  

Silk dress from Zara

 In fact it was only Mr Owen who did not to wink and beg to come home with me.

Just as well.

He would have hated my moisturiser.

Barcelona offers hope for Moana, and some Important Advice

I underwent a bit of a style transformation while in Barcelona, I really wanted to catch that contemporary Spanish vibe

Dahlings, still quite not up to speed, what with the unpacking of suitcases and putting Boys 1 and 2 in the washing machine...

In the meantime, I have encouraging news for Moana.

Whaddya mean, who is Moana?  Come on people, stay with it! Moana is the latest alter ego of Louise of InTownsville, my blogosphere soulmate and partner in crime  really dodgy jokes.http://fromnorthqld.wordpress.com/

  I met Louise in Real Life a few months ago - you can read about the meeting of the Superpowers here.http://blightyworld.blogspot.com/2011/01/when-blighty-met-lousie.html

Thanks to the evil cyclone Yasi, Louise broke her back.  Since then, due to terrible pain, Lou sometimes transforms into Moana, very understandably. 

Lou and I have been joking about getting her a new back somehow....

So,  look what I found in a small restaurant/bar in Barcelona on our first day:

Item 3:  Back with Egg and Chips. 

Lou,  the Back is on its way to you, but I am afraid Boy 1 ate the egg and chips.

(I would like to apologise to Janet of Gardener's Cottage and any other vegetarians/vegans for the extremely carnivorous nature of this menu; I think perhaps the translation is a bit over-enthusiastic.... )

Now, you know how I like to perform a public service role in this blog (I guess I am just sooo pro-active and caring).  Well, I am able to pass on some Important Advice we received on arrival from our receptionist at Juan Towel Hotel.  The receptionist handed us a piece of paper warning us about the danger of pickpockets in Barcelona - the paper listed various scenarios such as:

• if someone tell you in street that you have stain on your clothes do not stop, they will steal   from you
• if someone tell you something is wrong with your car do not stop, they will steal from you
• if someone is playing a game of dice do not play, they will steal from you
• if someone approaches you in the street, run away screaming, it will be Boys 1 and  2 whining for more ice creams
• if you want to be robbed in broad daylight go to the Barcelona football team stadium Camp Nou and hand over your credit card plus remaining Euros in  the gift shop

Gift shop at Camp Nou, background noise is Mrs B weeping into her wallet

Camp Nou stadium

In Barcelona they speak Catalan which to me seems like a mix of French and Spanish...this is the Barcelona club motto: More Than A Club (damn right it is, it's also a brilliant vehicle for the sale of nylon T shirts at extortionate prices...the concentration of man made fibres in that gift shop surely contravenes Elf and Safety rules on fire hazards)

Having rendered us pleasantly neurotic, the receptionist then came out with her coup de grace:

"Is no good putting rucksack in your backside!"  Those fiendish pickpockets will stop at nothing ...

So there you have it, the most useful piece of advice I can pass on to other travellers.

 DON'T PUT YOUR RUCKSACK IN YOUR BACKSIDE

It will only make your eyes water anyway.

You can thank me later.

The Horrifying Return of Repetitive Dress Syndrome

Hello Dahlings,

I trust you are all well and looking forward to the weekend, except for those of you ahead of the rest of us, in which case, (not wanting to introduce a down note or anything), make the most of your weekend, it's halfway through!

First a housekeeping point: the lovely Janet of Gardener's Cottage asked me to do away with word verification.  I pushed some buttons randomly and hope that's done the trick ( if not, NASA: sorry about that satellite).  The wordster went out on a high note: Louise of North of Queensland was joking about Boy 2's refusal to eat much apart from fish and chips.  The wordster as its swansong came up with: "fried".  Excellent.

I've also had fun doing labels for the posts, but with limited success: if anyone spots "macaroni chees" (sic) lurking around, well, I don't know what it's doing there either...and just like my real life version of that dish, it seems determined to stay put...

Now, as the world is in turmoil what with cyclones and political change and economic worries, I thought I should focus on a really important issue: Repetitive Dress Syndrome ("RDS").   You may recall I highlighted this topic a while ago. That time the RDS involved  black and white.  Well, it's back and even more serious.  This time it's  leopard print.  Gasp.

Very old dress in leopard print, Karen Millen:

Much newer dress, in, oh, yes, leopard print from Marks and Spencer:

Top from Zara in pink polka dots more bl**dy leopard print:

Old dress from H and M in - oh god this is so repetitive, I obviously need some sort of counselling or at least sponsorship from the World Wildlife Fund (or World Wrestling Federation?):

Newer dress from H and M in familiar looking print ( a bit racy this one, to be worn with leggings otherwise will look as if Mrs B has hit on new way of getting money to pay school fees):

The RDS has even affected my accessorisation (top fashion word):

Another leopard top, again from Zara.  Right, I've had enough, this is ridiculous:

 (Unconnected anecdote: many years ago, in the law firm where I apparently worked, a partner came up to me, peered at my chest and said "My wife has some of those." To this day I cling to the hope he was talking about the pearls).

But have just thought of silver lining to the whole RDS business: Mr B thinks I am being super frugal, always wearing the same outfit...he may well suggest I go treat myself to some more clothes...

Mrs Blighty is here to help

Paul Smith babygro, from Paul Smith website, for babies, you can get babygros for adults but that's just so wrong

Happy New Year Dahlings! So we have finished with the Noughties. What are we calling this new decade thingie? The Elevenses? Nope. The Onesies? Isn't that what Americans call babygros? (those all-in-one suit thingies you put new babies in, which have 120 poppers to do up and if you get one wrong you have to start all over again and so is excellent when parent is sleep deprived and it is 3am and you can't see, as the lights are low to persuade the Baby (who is trying out for the lead in The Omen) to go back to sleep, and obviously I am not talking from experience....)

Ah yes, babies. I am very excited about the lovely Faux Fuchsia's baby news. Of course when I met her back a couple of months ago I knew she was pregnant (I am a highly trained medical professional - er, well, no) and was Sworn to Secrecy. For a blabbermouth like me this was a real challenge....time and again I would start a post about cupcakes or my slowcooker or books or nail varnish (note how these are ranked in order of importance vis a vis world peace) and suddenly I would find myself typing "FAUX FUCHSIA IS HAVING A BABY HOW EXCITING IS THAT"...

And doesn't FF look divine and chic, quite most elegant mother to be ever? But I do feel she could do with a bit of Blighty advice re maternity wear.

I don't know what is going on in the FF household but poor darling FF is forced to make do with her YSL and Malene Birger dresses, ole Mr FF needs to spring open his wallet and buy her some proper maternity wear, or to be more precise, a tent.

A tent is brilliant as it hides All, and also provides shelter for passing wildlife. A floral tent is even better as it covers up foodstains which result from you using your tummy as a ledge on which to balance your mid-morning snack (full English, hot choc, washed down with a couple of doughnuts). Gosh I miss that ledge!

And once the baby arrives you can sell the tent on to the Armed Forces for camouflaging aircraft carriers.

Well that's my styling tip for 2011. Must go as Mr Blighty has launched into some DIY involving drilling holes in bits of wood which for some reason he has to do in the kitchen and I am really starting to regret that third glass of Sainsbury's Cava last night (Mrs B, the last of the party animals)...

I leave you with this list entitled Preparation for Parenthood. Someone gave it to me when I was expecting Boy 1. Up until the point he arrived I found it rather amusing. ( don't know who composed this, will of course attribute if anyone knows where it is from).

Do you like my satsumas?

Happy Christmas Dahlings!