Festival of Fuchsia

Dahlings, it's been excitement overload.  I've been participating in the Festival of Fuchsia.  Dear FF, as you no doubt know, has been Over Here on a Garden Tour and to visit her sister in London.  I was thrilled to go to Paris with her and her sister for the weekend.

Dahlings, I felt I had died and gone to heaven as I climbed onto the Eurostar with FF, her sis and their matching Chanel handbags.

The trip was eventful, not least because a dastardly clipboard wielding pickpocket relieved me of my iPhone on the rue de Rivoli.

So no Paris pics from me.

But I did spend an entertaining hour in the Commissariat de police, tormenting the clerk with my French.  I can report that the police in France seem as preoccupied with snacks as the police here: important phone calls took place where the number of sugars in coffee was clarifed; beefy armed cops strolled in bearing cakes and biscuits; other police operatives helped themselves to buns and chocolate.  I innocently asked them if they watched the French cop drama Spiral (Engrenages) and had to dig my nails in my hand to prevent hysterical laughter when the clerk told me in all seriousness that Spiral was an accurate depiction of their professional life.  I must have missed the scenes involving hot chocolate and doughnuts...

Well FF may have shown me Chanel and Hermes, and her sister took us to the most lovely restaurants, but I feel I did my bit by showing them the inside of a police station....


FF gave me this lovely silk scarf from Honkers so I scarfed it up in a jaunty Parisian fashion.

On Sunday we strolled round the Place des Vosges and poked our noses into the Pavillon de la Reine Hotel, in a courtyard off the Place.  Mr B and I spent our first wedding anniversary there. Here's a visual from those days, one of us now has less hair and one of us can no longer fit into that skirt (really wish Mr B would stop wearing my clothes...)

And what did I bring home from Paris?

Sugar lumps.

Yes, I know, odd, but I adore the way the French do the small things in such a dinky, charming way and sugar lumps are one of them.


It was so lovely to catch up with dear FF, we talked nonstop on the Eurostar all the way there and all the way back.  I'd just like to apologise to the man in seat 67 (outward) and the man in seat 32 (return); sorry about your headaches but I do think trying to climb out of the train when it was hitting 150mph was a bit extreme...

10 years later

Dahlings how are you?

As predicted Boy 2 returned from his school trip and had the Tantrum of All Tantrums.

Maybe he is affected by the break up of Girls Aloud.

I know I am.

From the Guardian on-line

Girls Aloud is about the same age as Boy 2 -  I used to sit on the sofa feeding the baby Boy 2 (I know, TMI)  and watching Popstars the Rivals, which created Girls Aloud.  So I feel a link between them and Boy 2.

And I have lived it: the tears, the laughter, the arguments, the nightclubs, the footballers, the tattoos, the dodgy singing.. and that's just Boy 2..

In other news I am trying to understand the Harlem Shake meme.  This article explains it.
 here.  The latest is the sacking of the librarian at St Hilda's Oxford for failing to stop a Harlem Shake in the library.

In Haircare News, I have bought this.  Excellent for de-tangling.






And this.  To deal with the ever present worry of Colour Fading/Brassy Tones.

From look.fantastic.com

I know you all will be very relieved, my haircare issues must have been keeping you awake at night.


I read this. It is really quite horrid.  Only read if you really have to, and preferably on hols on a sunbed.  Not on your own, late at night.





I enjoyed this more - Linda in Chile has read it too.

I have done a new whatsit on my sidebar showing what I am currently reading.  I stole the idea from Mrs Peabody and the other book bloggers.  See, I wanna play with the grown ups too.


I am busy preparing for my trip to Paris with Faux Fuchsia by watching this tough French cop/lawyer drama, Spiral 4.

Spiral 4 - from BBC Four websiste

  I can now say in French "Shut up punk, spread them, it's the slammer for you" which should come in handy in Hermes (those sales assistants can be very uppity).



Juge Roban is my favourite character, he is very tall and thin and dinky in a very French way, and look at his hair, I bet he uses Aveda shampoo too.

From BBC Four website

Finally I am LOVING this Twitter thing - makes me laugh till I cry - the spoof prison diary of Chris Huhne (probably not of interest to non-UK readers, he is the ex-Cabinet Minister recently jailed for perverting the course of justice by getting his now ex-wife to take his penalty points for speeding...)


Bye for now, stay strong, Girls Aloud may have broken up but there is always One Direction....yes, quite.

Techno Blights and Other News

Hi there Dahlings! Now, try not to be too jealous of my exciting lifestyle, but this week I took delivery of a brand new vacuum cleaner. Yes, glamour, find it here.

To my horror it arrived unassembled and I had to read the manual and fit it together myself.  I always feel that reading any product manual is a sign of defeatism, but needs must.

It was a tense moment but I managed. I expect to get a Nobel Prize for Science soon. Or at least a request to help out with the Hadron Collider.

And look - a warning about rip off bags.  I thought one only had to be careful when buying Louis Vuitton or Chanel but apparently vacuum cleaner bags are equally tricky.

In other news, now the snow has gone I am back to embracing my midlife crisis, fashion wise.  (Is the new vacuum cleaner another manifestation of this, most people buy  Meno-Porsche but maybe the new cleaner is the nearest I can get? I did enjoy taking it for a drive yesterday, it certainly has good revs).

Look, dodgy camo trousers.  Boy 1 was HORRIFIED. "Are those Army trousers you are wearing?" he asked, in shock.  Note also the studding detail on the pocket.

 

 

And look, dodgy pixie boots.  With studding.

 

 

 

And yes, Converse All Star hi-tops.  With leopard trim.  And studding.

 

 

 

It seems that studs are Key to a midlife crisis.  Also, I seem not merely to have embraced my Midlife Crisis but to have taken it out to dinner and bought it champagne.


Meanwhile I have read this.  It's very good, a murder mystery set in West Virginia, in the Appalachians.  Unfortunately I guessed who the baddie was early on.  Because I am a Smartass.  Who has read too many murder mysteries.

Finally Mr B and I are having Quality Couple Time watching this of an evening: Scandi Noir drama, The Bridge.



 



 It's brilliant!  And I really can't work out who the baddie is .  I love Saga, the blonde woman detective.  The Guardian have a very good blog about it, all the comments and speculation are very entertaining.

 

Right I'm off to watch Boy 2 play football for the school.  Wonder who will have more studs on - the entire football team on their boots, or me, in my Midlife Crisis Fashion Outfit?

Killer Knitwear

Dahlings, how are we today? Really?  How on earth did he get it stuck in there?  Awful!*

So Mr B and I have just finished watching The Killing 2.  Always a bit behind the times at Blighty HQ.

Gosh, it was BRILLIANT!  I had heard that it wasn't as good as the original Killing, but I loved it, in fact I think it was even better.

It ticked all the boxes for Nordic Noir:

• knitwear - must admit I was a bit worried at the start as SaraLund (you must run it together into one word to sound authentic Danish) was sporting a plain red number; but my fears eased when I noticed it did in fact have the trad  Scandinavian pattern on it; then later a more familiar jumper reappeared - I gave such a loud shriek in recognition that Mr B thought I had seen a major plot twist.  To be honest, I don't think Mr B is fully on board, knitwear-wise, as his main comment was how on earth could a lowly police officer afford those really expensive jumpers? Remember they gave one to old Camilla Duchess of Charles? The Daily Mail told me they cost a bomb

• gore
• lovely sounding Danish: "Tak!"
• that spooky music (which always speeds up at the end of each episode when they start doing a montage of the different characters so you know it's about to end and you shout "Oh no, it's the end!" and you say "Can't we just watch another episode, it's only 2am and who needs sleep really?"..)



Thomas Buch, considering his next snack option  Source

• charismatic politician : Thomas Buch,  very jolly and amusing and enjoyed eating chocolate, except once when he was a bit upset and opted for a bit of fruit

• about 15 different suspects, each of whom Definitely Did It, till you see the next episode and then you say, of course I knew it couldn't possibly be them all along...

• Brix, SaraLund's boss, looking moody yet strangely attractive and very tall

Brix, looking enigmatic, or possibly a spot of indigestion?
source

• full frontal willy shot - yes ladies, in one scene SaraLund, intent on tracking down an army officer she needs to interview, marches straight into the changing rooms/showers at the army barracks. So refreshing as a change from naked women and probably very Nordic, what with all those saunas and stuff.  I explained to Mr Blighty that this was no doubt a Very Important Scene and that I needed to see it again to search for vital clues...Mr Blighty muttered something to himself, sounded like "TotallPerverte", which I think is Danish for Top Detective?? Tak Mr B.

*don't be disgusting you lot, I was actually thinking of a recent newspaper report about kids getting their tongues stuck inside those metal drinking bottles, poor things had to have an operation to get it out.  After I had read that, I had the most dreadful urge to try sticking my own tongue in the boys' metal bottles.  What can I say, I was that kid at school, who always had to do the ONE  thing we were told not to do...

Sophie's Choice and McBride's A Gory Ride

Dahlings, first, housekeeping: I seem to be in an emotionally abusive relationship with Blogger, it raises my hopes by offering me the chance to respond to your comments individually and sometimes even lets me; at other times it cruelly withholds and doesn't let me.  Very upsetting.  I just wanted to let you know, I really appreciate all your comments and am very flattered that you take the time and trouble.

Now, books. I wanted to tell you about an author whose books I have been greedily gollopping* down: Sophie Hannah. Ms Hannah writes psychological thrillers which I find compelling. They are based in and around a fictional town Spilling near Cambridge (UK) and each feature Spilling CID, in particular the rather odd detective Simon Waterhouse, his grumpy boss Proust, and a feisty woman detective Charlie Zailer.  Have you read these?  If not and if you like twisty, slightly nasty thrillers with some police procedural, then you are in for a treat.  They are the kind of books I am sad to finish, it is so enjoyable having one on the go.

Mr Blighty has also taken to the works of Sophie H and being Mr B, has read them all in the right order, whereas I have read them haphazardly depending on what I find in the local library.  Normally I would not mind, but as Mr B has gone all sequential, I feel slightly hard done by.. What about you guys?  Do you read series of books in the correct order? Is this exclusively a male trait? Or a Mr B trait?

Once I had finished the works of Sophie Hannah,  I felt quite bereft so picked up Stuart MacBride's "Birthdays for the Dead". I have read his detective series set in Aberdeen and like the grittiness and sense of humour. "Birthdays" is not for the over-sensitive, the crimes described are horrid but if you can keep that at arm's length, the plot is great and the pace cracking, and there is the same black humour. The main character reminded me of the lead in Tony Black's novels which I talked about here: both characters do a lot of punching other people, but all in a good cause...

When I mentioned to the lady librarians recently my love for the gruesome works of Ms Hannah, Mr MacBride, SJ Bolton and others, they countered that they liked nice, happy books; they then conceded that some really nice people did like horrible books;  they eyed me speculatively as if assessing whether I fell into that category, but apparently the jury is still out on that one**...

I am quite puzzled to be honest about my ability to enjoy really quite unpleasant books, as I am a total wuss when it comes to scary films (did not sleep a wink after seeing Psycho and refused to shower for weeks; would never trust anyone called Freddie Kruger ...). I also can't bear to read horrid news reports. Maybe I can cope with the books as they are not as vivid and immediate as films, also, because I know they are fiction and the authors leaven the fare with humour and by keeping certain characters (murder victims) as cyphers rather than fleshing out their characters ...

Well enough of my homemade literary analysis.  Have just heard a brand new Sophie Hannah is waiting for me at the library...(hotfoots it to library)

What books are you chaps enjoying at the moment? Please tell, love getting book tips!

*probs not a real word but I live dangerously
**note to self: pay fines on time, grovel more and contribute generously to the librarians' Christmas party fund

Cyber Sulk?

Well as cyber sullks go, that was quite exceptional. 

Except I wasn't sulking. Honest.

I just seem to have been soooo busy.

So I hired Top Management Consultant Anders Hoch  to review operations at Blighty Inc and make recommendations on how to improve productivity.

Here are excerpts from his report, with my reaction in italics.

Taking Blighty Inc. Forward  Into the 20th Century*

* Anders old chap how much wine did you have at lunch exactly?

Scope of Review

We were asked to review all domestic operations of Blighty Inc.  We observed operations at Blighty HQ and interviewed key personnel in Catering, Procurement, Staff Training, Laundry Services, Hygiene and Health Services, Transport, Policing and Judicial,  Social Activities and Sport (which in this report will be collectively referred to as MUM).
Er, that's  me I think...

We also spoke to the Chief Executive Officer and Finance Director.  So Mr B gets the fancy job title, typical

We had a brief interview with the junior members of the Blighty Inc. team but they were very busy watching telly and were unwilling to fully enter into a dialogue  you mean they ignored you completely as they were watching re-runs of Top Gear on Dave TV


Scope of Activities

The breakdown of MUM activities during a typical working day are:

23%  reading gossip on the Daily Mail website
27% drinking tea, reading fashion blogs
2% furiously carrying out domestic tasks in state of guilt and quiet frenzy
12% looking for reading glasses
5% reading thrillers and detective novels
5% answering cold calls on telephone from insurance companies and acting delightfully dizzy and charming while telling them to get lost
4% ringing Grandma Whacker back and apologising for being so rude under misapprehension that she was selling car insurance and of course you don't mean her to do that with her insurance policy

5% watching X Factor with Mr B and putting on silly Northern accent and exclaiming "oooh Gary has such kind eyes, I really feel he understands me and my journey" and falling off sofa with laughter inventing sob stories for contestants: "It would mean the world to me to win X Factor as I have a conjoined twin who is currently in prison  and a granny confined to a wheelchair by terminal flatulence..."
77% watching junior executives playing rugby in a light drizzle
86% watching junior executives playing football in a light drizzle
34% attending to sports related injuries
36%  sports psychology counselling
7%  cobbling together costumes for school theme days (" I know it's a fitted sheet but well- to- do Romans would definitely have worn fitted sheets, honest!")

10% watching The Killing, exciting Danish police thriller
45% providing taxi services to Blighty junior executives
42% struggling to help with Maths homework


Key Recommendations

• MUM is a very inefficient member of the Blighty team; her role needs to be more focused, and preferably carried out by someone else with better motivation and better skills re work product delivery do you mean get a cleaner?  Yay!
• MUM to attend management training course and be reprogrammed
• MUM must be denied access to the Internet
• MUM to give up tea and novels
• MUM to stop watching X Factor But Gary is the only man who really understands me
• junior executives to give up rugby and football and instead take up needlework at home
• MUM to accept that never going to get through 100 hours of The Killing so return the DVD the library NOW
• junior executives to learn to drive They are only 9 and 10 so this might be a bit tricky

So there we have it.  I am going to be re-programmed.  I  will be dynamic, efficient and focused. 

Just as soon as I've had a cup of tea and a little sit down.. and a look at the Daily Mail website...

Square Eyes, Star Charts and Parenting Challenges

With our guests last week we caught up on some films on DVD.

Mr Blighty has been wanting to see "Inception" for ages. 

He loves a bit of sci-fi action.

He also likes films with vampires in them.  (They often feature Kate Beckinsale but I am sure these two things are unconnected). 

And Fast and Furious type car films. 

When I first met him he pretended to like arty French films. Ha! What some chaps will do to get a second date!

WARNING - THIS NEXT BIT CONTAINS A SPOILER RE THE DI CAPRIO INDEX ("DiCex")

I can report that "Inception" is quite baffling and about going into people's subconscious via their dreams.  More importantly I can tell you that old Leonardo does not take his top off.  Not once.  This film scores  0 for DiCex.  I guess the producers weren't willing to stump up the extra $2 million dollars for Lennie to hit the gym...

Anyway, the characters kept going to different levels in the dreamworld and I kept shouting "Yeah Leonardo, let's take it to another level" until Mr B took me out of the room and threatened me with the naughty step.   Anyway, it was actually a right load of old tosh and at the same time v exciting and engrossing

"Grown Ups" promised to be dire but was surprisingly good. High art it is not but it is very well done and funny.  Old school mates who played in a basket ball team are reunited.  Some of it was a bit too close to home: Sandler has to carry his kids outside to get them off the Xbox gizmos and enjoy the fresh air and games outside - and his kids reaction: "But there's nothing to do out here!"

Nasty murder stories are one of my guilty pleasures, so for a couple of days after our guests left I was glued to Thorne.  This is based on a series of books by Mark Billingham, some of which I have read.  Not for the faint hearted.

Just last night I watched "Julie and Julia". I loved it, which is high praise from someone who basically hates cooking.  I had to grin at Julie's mother's reaction to her starting her blog: "But why? Who's going to read it?  Why give yourself more work? You'll make yourself ill, you'll get ill from blogging.."...... and then a few months later her mother saying: "Why haven't you blogged?  What's the matter?  What's going on? You must keep going!" Oh the wonderful loving unpredictability of mothers!

I must admit the films (particularly the gruesome murder ones!!) are a welcome distraction from the fact I am struggling at the moment with this parenting business.  It's probably that Boys 1 and 2 have just got back to Daphnes4Boy$.  I miss them during the day but when I get them back after school and before school, they are over-excited, fractious and highly combustible....in short, horrid. They are either shrieking at each other or me, or both.  It's like living on the set of the Jerry Springer show with two rednecks endlessly slogging it out but with no hope of a commercial break.  But what really makes it harder to bear is, that when Mr Blighty is around, they are angelic.

It goes something like this:

7am - Mr Blighty is leaving for work.
Mr Blighty : "Goodbye boys. Have a nice day."
Boy 1, looking up from his stamp collection which he is carefully sticking into his album:  " Goodbye Papa, I trust you will enjoy a productive and fulfilling day at work and can return home safely to your family who do love you so dearly.... (and other Dickensian type drivel)..
Boy 2, pausing from writing a letter sending money to the poor children living in deprived areas of London such as Eaton Square, " Au revoir Pater, and Godspeed your return to us, I shall remember you in my mid-morning prayers and shall think of you fondly while I help dearest Mama with her welding and bread baking...."

5 minutes later, Mrs Blighty is in the shower, wondering whether to apply conditioner for "hair that's a bit lacklustre and droopy"  to her entire body, when 2 screaming banshees burst into the bathroom, giving Mrs B heart failure..
Boy 1: AAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm going KIIIIIIIIIL you, you fat pig toad penis etc etc I HAAAAAAAAAATE you  you're gonnnnnna DIEEEEEEEEEEE!
Boy 2 : MUUUUUUUUUUUMMY heeeeeelp! He's gonna kill meeeeeee!
Mrs B (trying to dry off with tiny hand towel/ rag for cleaning the windows: "Just stay away from each other and stop winding each other up, stop provoking each other..."
Boy 2: " He's being provocative, he's a big stooooopid gorilla dick face flower bottom who wears girls' pants......."

Exit Boy 2 hotly pursued by Boy 1, they reconvene for bare knuckle fighting and pingpong on the kitchen table etc etc etc until Mrs B looks wistfully at the gin bottle/brochure for one way air tickets (at 7.25am) OR  Mrs B loses tempers, starts shrieking at them to "Stop shrieking" and chases them round and round the table as in  bad Franch farce till they fall to the ground moaning "Oh, head hurts, my vision is blurred, Mummy you have broken my leg/arm/glasses etc....".

But never fear, in this type of situation what you need is to spend 30 mins constructing yet another Star Chart. With a point and reward system so complex, it makes Mr Blighty's tax legislation look easy.   That will show them!

Predictably within 5 mins they have tested, refined, driven a coach and horses through,  and generally exposed, all the conceptual and drafting weaknesses of said Star Chart, so that I end up lavishing  points on them despite, or even because, they have reenacted the Battle of Trafalgar (with live ammo and real water) while singing rude limericks at the top of their voices....


And now this note has appeared on the bedroom door of Boy 2, aged 8.  What is going on in there?  Will the worry never end?