Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
cannot guarantee nut-free

Monday, 8 August 2011

With Knobs On

George Constantinosopoulososos
Hotel Bunion Beach Resort

Dear George
First thank you for the most enjoyable holiday experienced by the Blighty family.  We really did have the most super time. 

We are sorry about the small plumbing issue we caused; as I explained at the time, we did make Boys 1 and 2 aware that they were not to throw toilet paper down the loo as per the notice in the bathroom*; unfortunately we did not expressly ban the flushing of other foreign objects, so Boy 1 was convinced that it was ok to try to flush Boy 2 away.  Hopefully the repairs to the U-bend will not prove too costly.  And please apologise again to the lady in room 128, I can only imagine her shock at the sudden appearance of Boy 2.  Boy 2 is recovering well, he is now able to approach the bathroom without screaming.

Now, I thought I would just raise one small issue with you, as I do believe feedback is important in helping you to provide your excellent service.  Many service providers have thanked me for my tireless devotion to pointing out any deficiencies in their service, for example, they write back to me using words like "harassment"  "tiresome"  "legal department" and, on one memorable occasion, " old bat."

What I should like to raise with you is knobs.  This is an issue which needs a firm hand, it needs grappling with. (note to self: please stop this now, this is awful..)

I attach below 3 pictures of knobs.

Exhibit 1 - the knob of our room, room 127
 Exhibit 2 - knob of Room 128
 Exhibit 3 - knob of Room 126

As you cannot have failed to notice, the size of the knob on our door was considerably smaller than that of the knobs on the adjacent rooms.  This is not acceptable - it caused my dear husband Mr Blighty to feel he was deficient in the knob area, thus reducing his full enjoyment of the whole door opening and closing process.  In fact, he became so ashamed of the diminutive size of his knob, he would only use it when no one was looking, which made the whole business of getting into and out of our room very tiresome.

I therefore urge you to upgrade and harmonise your knobs, so no one else will have to suffer this indignity.

Yours sincerely, 

Bledwina Blighty**

* I remain mystified as to why you can't put the loo paper down the loo in Greece even in modern hotels, I am sad enough to want to know and will no doubt Google it shortly

** I was inspired to write this when I heard that the manager of our hotel in Greece reads out customer comments every week to his staff, and sometimes there are some really silly ones, like the chap who claimed the engine of the waterski boat was too small to pull him out of the water....


  1. Brilliant! I am still chuckling and must get my incontinence issue sorted!

    I came upon the same problem in Greece and it's because their sewer pipes are inadequate and cannot handle paper waste. Ludicrous in such an ancient civilisation that they have not figured out how plumbing works yet!
    Di :-)

  2. Blighty, you are wasting your talents! Write a book and earn some money from this!!!

  3. first coc and now knobs. you KILL me. i agree with deb.

  4. This is hilarious Blighty. One big smile on my face for Tuesday morning. Poor Boy 2, getting flushed down the toilet is never amusing for the receiving party! xxx

  5. Dear Mrs Blighty, This, as Uncle Matthew would say, is an inevitable consequence of leaving the civilised shores of the United Kingdom for Abroad when the destruction of foreigners is not your object - how unspeakably horrid is that toilet instruction! You would think it warranted a red bordered box on the holiday brochure with 'warning' on it! As for the knob issue - you never disappoint, Mrs B! I hope that now Mr B has been restored to British plumbing and uniform sized knobs, he will not need extended counseling. Tell me, does the good Mr B read your posts? love Lindaxxx

  6. Dear Bledwina,

    I'm sure your feedback will be taken in the spirit it was given by the resort. It's important they sort things like plumbing and knob size out quick smart.

    K xx

  7. Thank you for the hearty chuckles! I hope the management reads your letter aloud and perhaps even changes all the knobs so no guest ever feels insecure about his allotment of knobs.

  8. This post was Hardcore Knobtastic.

    I've heard a rumour that you might be meeting up with My Mother in London and doing your bit for Foreign Relations- hooray! Thank God you don't live in Croyden or Tottenham xxxx

  9. Hi FF, yes I am hoping to meet your Mother and Sister and Niece FF, exciting, also great opportunity to escape from Mother is in her element with the riots and the EuroZone/ World Economic Crisis, which she feels are all connected and she is busy sending in the Army and declaring martial law even as we speak xxx

  10. Hello Miss Blighty,
    I really, really like your stories about toilets and knobs.
    apart from food, they are my most favourite things in the world.
    I LOVE going to the toilet (but I don't know how to flush, so I get to inspect my production in the toilet department - I really love doing that too!)
    I like to inspect all genuine knobs that come my way too.
    I give them a really good sniff because in my world knob smell is just as important as knob size.
    Lots of love
    from Siggi B.

  11. Blighty - Tell your husband that it's not the size of the knob that counts, it's how skillfully he can use it. Personally, I've never been able to cope with big knobs, they revolt me with their garishness. Mind you, they ARE useful for hanging towels off. My favourite knob has a mouse sitting on it. It's at Mount Stuart, here on the island. Now THEY have knobs.

    What? We're still talking door knobs right?

  12. Ah Blighty! I am so happy that someone has their eye out for the little man! Equality for all knobs!

  13. That U bend must have been a nightmare!!
    Greek knobs? Mr Blighty needs to carry a few good old British knobs around with him so he can demonstrate their superior quality.

  14. Just think if all knobs were created equal, then this clever and witty letter would never exist. Let's hear it for knobs of all sizes and shapes!
    Sort of your faulty towers or leaning tower type of hotels truly give fodder to such a mod hatter!
    I am still chucking, snorting and giggling to myself. Must make note of the knobs!


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