Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
cannot guarantee nut-free

Monday, 31 January 2011

Better than a Subscription to Vogue??

Dahlings, one of the utter joys I derive from being a parent is the weekly school newsletter; taking into account the school fees, this is probably the most expensive magazine subscription ever, but well worth it for the sheer entertainment value.  So I thought I would reproduce a newsletter here for you, with a tiny bit of artistic whatnot, and of course name changing to protect the not so innocent...

Daphnes4Boyz “Getting On Down wiv a Traditional Educashun”

Weekly Newsletter – Spring Term 2011-01-26 
SPONSORED BY CLEARITALL NIT LOTION : "Spray it on fast, Get them Back to Class!"

Week 2

Reminders and Changes to Arrangements

Friday’s Disco – please note, skateboards and younger siblings must not be brought into the disco.
Music Examinations – boys involved are reminded to bring their instruments. No chewing gum for wind instrumentalists.
School Pick Up Times – parents are reminded that the pick up time for Year 5 is 4.15pm unless they have a younger brother in the school, in which case pick up is 4.13pm, unless there are matches in which case the boys should proceed to match tea, having moved their sports bags back to the changing room together with their school bags, provided they do not need to get Matron to sign any medication forms first; however, if they have clubs or prep that day they should move their school bags before match tea to their classrooms, unless there is no match in which case they should wait on the front step until collected by their class teacher, unless they have a younger brother in the school who is going to Late Boys in the library, in which case they must wait in the foyer and parents should park in the front car park. Please ensure younger siblings not involved in matches do not eat the sandwiches provided for parents of away teams.

Letter from the Headmaster

It has been a pleasure to work through the first week of term. So my staff have told me, via email to the Headmasters’ Retreat I am attending with my wife Maureen in Mauritius. We have been looking at some very interesting topics including mezzanine financing for school catering expansion, securitisation of playing fields and the tax advantages of moving Years 3-5 offshore.

Work is progressing well on the new ice rink and we hope to host our first ice hockey match later this year. The helipad should be back in use next week. Parents are requested to ensure their children duck when being dropped off.

I wish the boys who are sitting entrance exams this term lots of luck. Top tip: always have a clean handkerchief.

Picture from Down with Skool by Geoffrey Willans and Ronald Searle, copyright of the authors, see also fantastic tribute website for Nigel Molesworth

Finally, all boys are reminded that the school dog, Tooting, is out of bounds and under no circumstances are boys to feed him.  The boys caught giving him baked beans last term have been dealt with in the appropriate manner.
Pinky Arbuthnot, Headmaster

Request from the Director of Sport
Picture as before, copyright Willans and Searle

It has come to my attention that some boys are indulging in exhibitionist and sometimes unseemly goal celebration displays during football matches. Boys are reminded that skidding across half the pitch on their knees, performing robot or sprinkler dances or grabbing their groin regions and jiggling about are NOT acceptable. Parents are also requested to refrain from such behaviour.

Mr T Woods, Director of Sport

On-Line Poker Championships

Congratulations to George Osborne (Year 3) for winning the Under 8s On-Line Poker.

From Matron

There has been a case of nits reported in the School Staff room, please will all teachers check their hair, if applicable.

Please can Jeremy Plimsoll’s mother bring in lots of pairs of spare underpants, to avoid Jeremy being embarrassed by having wet pants. We are keen to handle his continued incontinence in a sensitive and confidential manner.

Lost Property

Ferguson, A. – mouthguard, braces, chewing gum, hairdryer
Allen, W. – 3 pairs of glasses, lost last term, saxophone
Smeagol S. - small gold ring
Blighty Major – rugby shorts, rugby top, towel, tracksuit bottoms, blazer, trousers, rugby socks, underpants, football boots, judo suit, Mexican hat, stick on moustache, recorder, tennis racket, hockey stick, house keys, mobile phone, hamster, tie, gloves, sunhat
Blighty Minor – Panasonic flatscreen TV, packet of Ready Salted Crisps, hankerchief (green)
Attenborough Minor – small chimpanzee answering to the name of Ernest
Wells, O. - sledge

Mrs Colpal, Matron

Picture as before, copyright Willans and Searle

Parents Society

Forthcoming Events:

Cake Sale (minimum contribution – 150 cupcakes/£500)
Disco ( skateboards and younger siblings welcome)
Rock and Roll Dancing Evening (in partnership with St John’s Ambulance)
Staff v Fathers Arm Wrestling
N Lawson and O Winfrey

Drama Department

Parents of Y5 boys are advised there is no need to order ready-made Tudor costumes for the forthcoming production of “Off with Her Head”; a simple homemade doublet and hose in gold brocade is sufficient. Mothers proficient at knitting are asked to volunteer to knit replicas of Hampton Court Palace and The Tower of London.

K Winslet, Head of Drama

Match Results

Tues vs St Alcatraz Football

U8A – lost 3-1
U8B1 – lost 5-1
U8D1 – lost 12 - 1
U8D2 – lost 24-23
Stallions A – lost 6-2
Pixies A – lost 15-10

Wed vs Cheltenham Ladies Hockey

U10As – lost 23-1 (match abandoned due to injuries)

Picture as before, copyright Willans and Searle


  1. Too much, too early, my sides ache.

  2. Gosh Moerks, you are quick off the mark, I only just posted that and then went off to read FF's latest post..must be super early there! xx

  3. Oh my gosh. This is timeless classic British whatsit at its best.

  4. I stumbled here from Twitter, and found myself in that uncomfortable position of trying too hard to laugh without making a sound until it hurts and comes out as a sneeze.

    Obviously, I will be back for more.

  5. Blighty you have made my day - can I commission you to start writing our school newsletters?


  6. I cannot stand this it is so hilarious! You are, without a doubt, the funniest blogger in the history of humankind.

    My jaw actually aches from laughing.

    This really reminds me of a small town paper that I always get when we vacation in Wisconsin...

    Thank you Blighty for taking the time to write all of this.

  7. Well Mrs B, obviously time to stop grabbing your groin and jiggling it whilst watching football matches. You have Hunter Wellies, you have a standard to live up to...!

  8. Too funny Blighty! I mean it, that hurts. Stop it now.

  9. too much fun! I want a dog named Tooting! Also, I am surprised Smeagol lost his ring, thought that had been delt with already...

  10. Blights,
    That was a cracker, did you have a LOT of sugar before you settled down to write that one?
    I would like to meet Attenborough Minor - you can guess why.

  11. Lordy this is hilarious. I'll have to stop buying handbags so I can afford to send my children to Daphnez... It would be worth it just for the newsletters.

    And sorry to say but the upwardly mobile of us now have lear jets, G7s and 727s. Bot interested in the helipad, it's all about the landing strip!

  12. Blighty - A+ for this - too funny!! Takes me back to the newsletters (well almost!) when DD was at Dauntsey's School in Wiltshire... and am sure that the H. Master had a mistress in Hong Kong - he was there so often!! xx

  13. Blighty p.s. - I commented twice on this post and the first comment was not finished and seemed to disappear into the ether...if you received it please ignore it - only publish the second one!!! X

  14. Dear Ladies, so glad you liked this, I enjoyed writing it, though I suspect that the genuine version is actually much funnier, as it is not trying to be..
    Sarah from Twitter, welcome, pleased to meet you;
    Louise - good point, must monitor sugar intake, partic before Parents Evenings at school
    Semi Expat - sorry have put in your second comment, what can I say, I am just so comment-greedy; sorry that the wicked internet ate your earlier comment, that is sooooo annoying;
    L - the school dog in the Nigel Molesworth books is called Wandsworth, I used to live there and that made me think of Tooting Bec which is a Tube station down the road from there ...and then of course Tooting led to baked beans, I am the mother of 2 boys after all;
    A Farmer's Wife - yes I have already had 2 red cards for that.

  15. I just read this out loud to Chris and Jason at the dinner table tonight. We were all weeping with laughter, it was hard to keep reading in places. I recommend all Blighty readers to try doing the same
    Out loud it is truly side splittingly funny.

    Jeremy Plimsoll may never be the same again.

    I'll read it to Illustrated Bartsch next time I see him/her as well.

  16. You are a SCREAM Blights. Side splitingly funny, how do you think up this stuff??

    Never fear B, there is life after school fees. And a nice feeling it is to see the bank balance not looking sickeningly depleted.

  17. That was good! I am sitting here with a sore jaw - now made all the more painful by chortling away at the school newsletter.

    I bet you the £500 or 150 cupcakes line was completely unchanged!

    Sonshine has lost 2 school ties, something called a Tech Deck (which seems to be a tiny skateboard, and the important clip bit from his bran new cycle helmet. Since going back to school at the beginning of Jan.

    They should be sent with everything STAPLED to them - and bugger social services :-)

    Ali x

  18. Dear Alison, the stapling idea is genius, will visit Rymans tomorrow to get big one. Boy 1 has those mini skateboard things, I just don't see the point of them at all, but maybe that's because I am not 9 years old (physically at least). maybe I could invent mini designer shoes for Mummies to play with?? xx

  19. I SO don't get the skateboard thing, but then I recalled that I hankered after a Flatsy - which was a doll that was flat. You could keep it in a book. So all under 10s are lunatics - even as far back as the 1960s.

    I like the designer shoe idea. But let's not bother with the 'mini' concept. Let's just BUY THEM!!!!!!

  20. Dear Mrs Blighty, What an excellent post! I so often feel amused, bewildered, irritated, guilty, and then simply interested with the shenanigans of school. I am forever having to write notes of apology in my daughter's school diaries. Crossing fingers and toes we have not had lice yet and have only lost one pair of tracky daks last year but I attribute this only to unrelenting nagging. What is with the costumes we are expected to whip up over night for book week etc. What do single Dads with no clue and no glue gun (and matching glue burnt fingers) do?

  21. Dear Blighty,

    You are a comic genius.

    BTW: Pls right a book. You have a natural writing talent. Perhaps a re-imagining of one of the mitford women doing tuckshop, or something like that.

    Plus there has to be farting.

  22. hi blighty,

    i am sooooooooo glad the helipad is done. i've been worried about that.

    you. kill. me.


  23. Dear Paddy, can definitely do the farting bit - Boys 1 and 2 currently full of "Do you know there are winds of up to 50 miles per hour on Uranus" type jokes. A bit wearing after a while. Oh, and Boy 1 wants to start using Linx deodorant. At age of 9. As one friend so wisely commented, playing with Lego and wearing deodorant should not overlap.xx
    Linda - costumes for school drive me nuts. "Oh Mummy, I need a Marie Antoniette costume and replica guillotine in papier mache for tomorrow". I am useless at sewing and handicrafts, I would not trust myself with a glue gun and am beyond impressed that you use one. is there no end to your talents? xx

  24. Hey Blights. all good here.
    What is wrong with Paddy - her spelling is atrocious.
    Right a book indeed.
    Love the Uranus joke - could work that one into something about Yasi.

  25. Always the cow's tail when it comes to comments, but I try not to miss an episode.
    Shortly before leaving my old fashioned boy's grammar school, our head teacher sent us all a letter, and I quote;
    " The old boy's society was created to facilitate intercourse between old school pupils".
    Good preparation for a job in the judiciary or the priesthood no less. Blighty, you are a hoot.

  26. Incredible! I'm really enjoying the style and design of your website. Are you using a custom made template or is this readily available to all individuals? If you don't want to say the name of it out in the public,
    please be sure to e-mail me. I'd really enjoy to get my hands on this theme! Bless you.

    Here is my weblog :: please click the next internet page

  27. Hey!
    Are you using Twitter? I'd like to follow you but couldn't find the link!

    Also visit my web blog :: Offshore Trust


My post is all Norma No Mates, cheer her up by commenting!