Holidaze

The last two weeks that the boys have been off school have flown by, full of activity which I can't quite remember! So I will leave it to Boys 1 and 2 to give you a little presentation entitled, well I'll let Boy 1 take it from here..

Boy 1: Our talk today is called "Wot We Did in Our Holidaze, Get Off you Baboon, Mummy said i could put the pics on the 'puter not you"

Boy 2 (lying on floor): noooooo, wanna do pics, don't wanna do presentation, don't wanna, waaaaaahhhhh! I hate it, hate it , no, no, no! Ok, I'll do it. Welcome ladies, to our interesting and informative presentation on our half term programme of activities, we trust you will find it engaging and light hearted, yet with substance and..

Mummy: That's enough, don't overdo it.

Boy 1: The hols were cool as Auntie Lovely B came to stay and we went up to London on the train and bus to meet her. The bus was cool.

Boy 2: yes the omnibus is an extremely convenient and cost effective method of circumnavigating London...

Boy 1: Muuuum, he's talking stoopid again!

(Short break in presentation while artistic differences are resolved, packet of frozen peas applied to bruised head of Boy 1, and Boy 2 spends time in his room)

Isn't that man our Headmaster? No, it's Big Ben, you iddyot!

Boy 1: After the bus Mummy made us go to the Cabinet War Rooms and Winston Churkill Museem which was educaseshunal so was boring. But the cafe was ok.

Boy 2: I assisted Mummy in preparing the guestroom for Auntie Lovely B. When Mummy was apprised of my efforts in this regard she was so pleased and moved she shouted a bit and then burst into tears of gratitude..

Boy 1: Auntie Lovely B settled in.She and Mummy did lots of chatting and some drinking of wine and Mummy was all nice and on bestest behaviour and did not shout even when we played football in the kitchen. After a couple of days Mummy decided it would be Death by Museem. Again. But this museem was quite good as it had lots of ded stuffed animals in it, including huge snaks and tiny fleas. But the cafe was not so good.

Pics of animals at Natural History Museum at Tring, Hertfordshire (Walter Rothschild had an enormous collection of stuffed animals which he donated to the nation; we do feel the animal kingdom must have breathed a collective sigh of relief when old Wally popped his clogs..)


Boy 2: Then Grandma Whacker came to stay too, so she could enjoy the delightful company of her beloved grandsons and the charming Auntie Lovely B. Daddy announced that unfortunately he would be working late.

Boy 1: Mummy put those girlie flowery thingies in Grandma's room and I added an artistic finishing touch, much better.

Boy 1: A few days later Mummy carried on her Death by Museem evil plan and she made Grandma and Auntie Lovely B go too. This time it was a Roman Museem in St Albans, very boring with lots of coins. Even Mummy was bord but she would not let on. But we went for pizza after which was very good.

Boy 2: Then sadly it was time for Auntie Lovely B to return home. We accompanied her up to London and then Mummy declared that it was time for another museum. It is clear that Mummy is evil and also quite mad. It was the Foundling Museum in Bloomsbury.

Pic below, this was the site of the original Foundling Hospital started by a retired sea captain called Sir Thomas Coram; now it is called Coram Fields and is a playground. We met our friends here and had a good play!

Boy 2:Mummy got cross at the museum as she paid and then they would not take us. Mummy shouted that this was not good enough, she thought children could be left there. The museum lady explained that was the old days, they do not take in babies anymore and look after them till they are grown up; Mummy said that was a big disappointment, she had been brought there under false pretences..

Boy 1: Pic above, this made Mummy go all teary, I think she was still upset that she could not leave us in this Foundling place. Anyway, the cafe was quite good.

Boy 1: And then the next day lots of workmen arrived at our house all at the same time with lots of vans all blokking each other in and Mummy said oh no and made 28 cups of tea and 22 cups of coffee...and then Grandma decided to go home and all the vans had to be moved so she could get the Granniemobile out and we sang our lovely song to her to say goodbye:

" Driving long the motorway at a 104

Grannie did a - BOYS STOP! - and blew off the door

The wheels couldn't take it and the car fell apart

All because Grannie did a supersonic.."

And then Mummy shouted "Stop that song right now!" and told us to say goodbye to Grandma nicely and we shouted and waved "Goodbye Grandma Nicely " non-stop till Grandma drove off and Mummy said "Give me strength" and went to make another 35 cups of tea.

Boy 2: It was terribly noisy with all the workmen banging and drilling, but we applied our ear protectors and continued with our computer related amusements

Boy 1: At the weekend we did a bike ride, here is us looking cool like that film TopGun which is Daddy's favourite film ever ...

Left to right, Maverick, Iceman and another guy, but certainly not Goose, that bit always makes Daddy cry, wot a girlie..

Boy 2: The bike ride was near Pinewood Studios where they do filming for films. We came across this sign. Mummy said there should be a sign warning the public about boys of all ages riding bikes thinking they are hotshot fighter pilots training at Miramar...Neaaaaaaah! (fighter pilot noises).

Boys 1 and 2: So that was our hols. How long till Christmas hols Mummy? Mummy? Why you lying on floor??

You couldn't make this stuff up!

So Boys 1 and 2 have been back at school all of 3 hours when I get the following text:

"DaphnesSchool4Boyz
The fire brigade were called out this morning due to a minor incident in the Science Lab. All boys and staff are accounted for and safe"

I was immediately in a state of shock and high anxiety, my brain racing, asking myself " What is going on?" Yes, the use of "were" instead of "was", where clearly "fire brigade" is singular and so calls for a third person singular verb, is beyond worrying. What is going on at that school?

The worry that a mother has to endure!

P.S. I have checked and it appears neither Boy 1 nor Boy 2 have (or should that be "has"? hoist, petard etc) Science on their timetables for this morning, so hopefully do not need to get them a lawyer this time.

Hallo Ian

Doctors Death and Doom are off to extort sweets from unsuspecting neighbours, the only time of the year this is allowed. Can't wait.

Note to self: make sure they never go to medical school.

Service Disruption

Dear All,

Please note that normal, well, usual, service, will be disrupted due to school holidays. Please bear with me as I carry out important child maintenance work.



The weather has gone a bit chilly and we will be doing lots of healthy outdoor pursuits, so I have invested in some sensible headgear.

And during these holidays, I am going to keep calm and collected, and not go all peculiar...

Must go, even as I type, boys are carrying out Hussain Bolt type sprint time trials in corridor upstairs. Only now do I realise that concrete floors are something we should have put on our non-negotiable wishlist when house hunting.. elephants...herd of...give me strength

Pictures courtesy of TopShop.com, purpose of these items unclear..

Email to the Headmaster

To: ArbuthnotTerenceHeadmaster@DaphnesSchool4Boyz.com

From: BledwinaBlighty@btifwefeeluptoit.co.mumbai

Dear Headmaster

I am sorry to bother you during your well-earned half term break - the two and half weeks of term have just flown by and what a lot you have packed in!

But I felt I must bring to your attention serious concerns I have about the kind of education your well-endowed institution is giving our boys.

I attach a picture of a piece of work Blighty Minor brought home recently.

Upon studying this picture I was shocked to see that Blighty Minor was not being given the classical education which I had so hoped would be provided.

At first glance the presence of the word "Hermes" is very reassuring. But on closer perusal one can clearly see a picture of some Greek chap with winged feet. What is the world coming to?

I do not want my son's head filled with this wishywashy modern nonsense! I expect Hermes to be taught in the context of a leading luxury consumer goods company with an annual turnover of around one billion Euros; I wish my son to know that this company is responsible for some of the most covetable and iconic brands. I don't expect at this stage that he would be taught the history of the Carre or how to tie a scarf, but he should at least be made familiar with the Kelly Bag, Birkin Bag and the Jumping Boot. How else is he to make his way in this world of ours?

I hope you will take my views under consideration.

Kind Regards

Bledwina Blighty

P.S. May I just say, the new helipad is looking splendid and congratulations on the opening of the Beckham Aromatherapy Suite? I was disappointed to hear planning permission was turned down for the nuclear processing facility, but the new plans for the Happy Holidays Kennels and Kids Hotel ( "Go Away Knowing All Your Little Beasts Are Happy in a High Security Environment") are little short of genius.

P.P.S. So sorry about the misunderstanding over the "Bring your toys to school day"; I had no idea that the Blightys Major and Minor had brought those contraptions to school; I do hope Mrs Rumpington is back at work soon, the A&E chaps told me they sometimes find bolas injuries take a while to get over. I know dear Mrs R will be sorely missed in the Ballet and Metal Work Department.

A Good (Work)Man is hard to find

Mr Blighty has entrusted to me the role of project manager for home improvements, phase 78.

He made me solemnly promise not to use the kittycat notebook or the pen with the pink fluffy feathers on the end. Something about losing credibility.

Mr B left me with a detailed list of home improvements which I am to oversee, and the order in which they each need to be done. The list includes words like "architraves" and "double gang socket" so already I am floundering.

I decided to play to my strengths so spent a couple of happy hours putting together little folders for each project. Stationery is vital in this sort of situation.

The most pressing project is new fitted wardrobes for Boy 1's room. Last week some men came and dismantled his old cupboards. Boy 1 is not the least bit perturbed by having his clothes and belongings in various boxes strewn across the house. He will take to student life like a duck to orange, er, water.

Then the wardrobe guy came to measure up for the new wardrobes. Measurements for a Savile Row suit would be less precise and extensive. Wardrobe man was with us for so long, I almost made up the guest bedroom for him. He and Mr B had lots of in-depth male bonding type chats, including about our septic tank (always a great ice breaker socially).

I need to organise the next steps. Mr B did a very specific 22 point timetable for this - with lots of complicated numbering, it went something like this:

Section 1 Provision of Beverage Refreshments to Workmen

1.1 Beverage Refreshments shall be provided to Workmen.

1.1.1 Beverage Refreshments shall be provided in a cup, on a tray and with accompanying biscuit assortment at the following times:

1.1.1.(a) 9am, 10am, 11am, 12am and at 2 hourly intervals thereafter until 3pm when they start packing up to go home at 5pm;

1.1.1. (b) Biscuit assortment must include chocolate biscuits.

For the purposes of Section 1 "Beverage Refreshments" shall mean standard Indian tea and/or instant coffee (either with milk and one, or just milk); it shall on no account include any herbal teas or chai lattes, or any other beverage which might call into question the fitness of the Workmen to carry out said duties.

After a lot of headscratching I think I need to arrange for the following to be done:

1. Electrics

No, that's wrong - er

1. Carpenter

2. Painter

3. Plasterer

No, that can't be right can it??

4. Dentist

5. Lie down

Help!

Within a short time it all went awry. So awry that first thing Monday morning I had no painter or carpenter able to do the job in time for wardrobe man to fit the wardrobes.

And then :

I panicked and by 11am Monday morning I had 2 lots of carpenters to do the same job (that is, one lot more than necessary), plus another guy also threatening to do the job as well. And the first two were both keen to come round the next afternoon to see what needed doing.

Workmen, it seems, are like London buses - none, or 3 number 74's coming along in convoy at the same time. Or if my experience as a single girl is typical, like boyfriends: either your love life is a Gobi desert of no suitors at all or ...I was trying to explain this to Mr B who said he'd really rather not know.

So I had visions of trying to juggle the 2 sets of workmen, to keep them apart, like a demented wife in one of those old West End farces, with a subtle title like "Banging in the Bedroom". (" No, don't go into that room, why not come downstairs and have a cup of tea with the Vicar!"). Now I am not an expert, but this does not seem to be good project management to me.

But luckily my saviour arrived in the form of Ron the Plumber Extraordinaire, who has done various jobs for us in the past and turns out to be so much more than just a plumber: electrician, builder, carpenter, philosopher, man of few words and serious style icon: never seen without a pencil behind his ear. Ron and his son Little Ron (both are 6ft 5) arrived, surveyed what needed doing and told me the painter would be able to get the work done in time. "But he told me he couldn't!" I blabbered. "We'll speak to him. He 'll do it." (Ron seems to run all of West London workmen, and if Ron says "Jump"..)

Of course Ron thinks I am a completely hopeless case but I think he enjoys sorting me out. I tried desperately to impress him by showing him my new folders. "And that helps does it?" he said.

Next time he comes I'm going to show him my kitty notebook.

P.S. This post has been delayed because the electrician turned up today and switched the power off mid-composition, how can an artist work in these conditions!

P.P.S. All that hooha about the Athlete's Village in India not being ready and fit in time for the Commonwealth Games - just like to make it clear, me and my kitty notebook were in no way involved. In any way. At all. Never even been to India. Honest.

The blog goes all teenage

My blog is nothing if not a huge copycat (or copy parrot as Boy 1 used to say, which is, I suppose, logical). In particular my blog is slavishly devoted to the glamorous Faux Fuchsia blog. Since FF blog is having a mid-life crisis, my blog has decided it needs to have a crisis too. But as my blog is much younger and sillier, it is having a teenage moment instead.


First it went all touchy and offhand and sarcastic:

Duh!

Whatever!

As if!

Loser!



And apparently no one understands it! (no change there then).

And it never asked to be created.



It refused to get up this morning, I mean what sort of time is this for a post?


It has lost all interest in sport (Steven Gerrard and mountain biking) and instead wants to hang around shops and listen to Capital FM. It likes pop music by people with confusing names like Tinchy Strider and Tiny Temper and it laughs at me when I get the names all wrong - Lady GooGoo, Jason dePencil, no, deRulo. Jason sings a song entitled "Ridin' Solo" where he seems to say he is getting his "sheep" together - the blog got cross when I asked whether Mr DeRulo was involved in animal husbandry.




The blog was so moody and down that today I had to take it up to TopShop at Oxford Circus so it could hang out with all the other teenagers. It insisted on taking its faux leopard bag which really is not sensible as it does not have a nice secure zip and cannot be sponged down easily.

Once at TopShop the blog behaved really quite badly. It immediately got told off for trying to take a pic of a faux leopard fur coat on its phone. And sulked.

We then had a tremendous tussle over some new slippers for wearing in the house. I said some nice quilted velour ones would be good. It insisted on these. What, I asked, are all those metal studs for? And white is really going to show up any food stains. The blog threatened to burst into tears and in the end I gave in.

I then said I would buy the blog a nice flattering pair of slacks for best. It sulked until I allowed it to take some other "trendier" kit to try on too.

Things got tense again when I remarked the effect of this blouse was lampshade-like and did the blog really want to spend all day standing around in the living room next to the sofa?

And the voluminous sleeves were voluminous. Good for hiding cupcakes or white rabbits.

Against my advice, leopard harem pants were tried on. I laughed and said a nice skirt would be more flattering. The blog grumped and said I just did not "get" fashion.

Then this hoodie. "You are not going out looking like that!" and "What exactly is the point of that garment, it is not going to be very warm or keep the rain off and what about washing it?" were some of the insights I shared. The blog got really huffy.

I managed to lure the blog out of TopShop with the promise of a megaFrappucino and crisps and cupcakes (covers all teen food groups) at Fatbucks. We then sloped along to Selfridges and caught sight of this window display.

The blog convinced me it needed new, "cooler" wellies, despite the fact it already has a nice children's pair in pale pink with dark pink hearts on. It said everyone wears Hunters these days.

So off to the new Selfridges Shoe Galleries, very posh and full of all sorts of brands, including the usual suspects: Jimmy Choo, Louboutin.

I bought the wellies but managed to persuade the blog to go for a sensible colour, not bright pink.



The blog also fell in love with these Repettos but I held firm. Maybe for the blog's birthday.

I did manage a bit of shopping for myself too. I was very taken with this navy blue/leopard print combo as seen in this pic from The Sartorialist.

So I went for this shirt, from Zara. No doubt the blog will borrow it without asking and spill Diet Coke all over it.

Must go now, the blog wants to be taken over to its friend's house to listen to music, play around with* make up and talk about* boys.

*Jeez, I hope I got these the right way round, otherwise me and the blog need to have a little chat ..