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Monday, 27 September 2010

Revenge of Planet Dork

When I claim to having been kidnapped by aliens (usually forcing me to go shopping instead of carrying out housewifely good deeds), I am not being exactly truthful.

The reality is that I am not so much being abducted as being contacted by my own people. Over time, I have come to realise that I am 30% human, 20% chocolate (85% cocoa bean), 20% arithmetically challenged, and 70% Dorkoid, from the Planet Dork.

Recently there have been many moments when my home planet has called me.

Planet Dork strikes back - Part 1
A while ago we hired a tree surgeon to cut down some trees in our garden. I was terribly impressed by the whole set up - chainsaw, climbing up trees, ropes, pulleys. I spent ages staring out of the window in a sort of delirium treemens. (Stop it, you have been warned about these godawful puns). Every time Treeman looked up, there I was with my mouth open, staring. But I think I got away with it, he probably just thought I had spent too much time watching daytime TV or had seen something nasty in the woodshed as a child.

A few months later Treeman returned to lop bits off our neighbour's tree. I spotted him high up in the branches of an oak. I decided to get a photo, but mindful of my earlier behaviour, I resolved to be subtle about it. I crouched down in Boy 1 's room, to take the picture unseen. After a bit of faffing about with the camera I looked up. It was then that Treeman gave me a jaunty wave. Being so high up he could see exactly what I was up to. Caught out, I sheepishly waved back. I then opened the window and shouted out the first thing which came into my head: "I'm not a pervert, honestly, I have a blog.."

Treeman hiding from Mrs Blighty; we are hoping he will feel it is safe to come down soon..

Part 2 - The Dark Hallways of Dork
During his summer hols Mr Blighty seemed always to have workmen round to quote for work on the house. One evening it was the flooring guy's turn. I left it to Mr B. There was a lot of discussion of sub-floors and sanding. I was busy doing supper (flame-thrower and drills) and encouraging the boys to play nicely together (straitjackets and Tasers). Then Mr B called me into the hall to consult me. I went up and leant casually against him, in a cosy, wifely sort of way. Except it wasn't him. It was Floorman standing next to him. I was somewhat surprised; Floorman got a hell of a shock. Mr B just looked resigned. If I explain that Floorman is the same height as Mr B and also wears, still Dorkonian and worrying that I can't recognise my husband even in my own hallway. And god help me if Treeman and Floorman ever compare notes..

Part 3 - Deadly Kiss of Dork
I recently read in some magazine that lipliner is the way forward if you want your lipstick to last. I knew I had some Chanel liner from ages ago. One morning before I took the boys to school I decided quickly to "do" lipliner. I was surprised how dark it was coming up, it had been a natural beigey-reddy colour, it must have darkened with age; never mind, I kept on. Gosh, really dark, very Goth, I needed to tone it down a bit. How odd. It was then that I looked at the pencil. Chanel - yes, Lipliner - no, eyeliner, brown kohl. "Look what silly Mummy's done!" I trilled merrily to the boys. "You look weird" said Boy 1. Boy 2 just screamed.

Part 4 - Dork hits rock bottom
We were staying with friends. I forgot my hairband/bath hat and needed something to keep my hair out of the way when washing. I improvised, very resourcefully I felt, by putting a pair of knickers on my head (clean ones, come on, I do have some standards). Mr B walked in. "Do you know you have a pair of knickers on your head?" he asked. And then " No, don't tell me, I'd rather not know.."

And finally....

The Dimness of Dork
I was sitting reading one lunchtime and realised I needed to go back to the opticians, my reading glasses just weren't strong enough any more. Also I couldn't seem to get enough light on the page. It was only that evening that I noticed my sunglasses lying on top of my book..

Is it just me? Or are there other migrants from Planet Dork out there? Anyone? Anyone at all?


  1. Blighty................
    That post is 1,000 out of ten, I am still laughing, and laughing and laughing and laughing.
    Maybe you could invent a knicker shower cap (something that does double duty, good for travellers) and make your fortune, and buy multiple Hermes Scarves - and you could end up so rich you could even tie your hair back with an Hermes scarf when showering.

  2. I did laugh at your misshaps, I still am .You really made my day. Thanks

  3. Dear Mrs Blighty, Your blog requires a health warning: Do not read while drinking tea. I never thought about putting knickers on my head for the very practical purpose that you state but will remember in future. Mr LiC declines medical attention, however having also spilled his tea probably needs it now. While not entirely sure which planet I am from, I do have an illustrative story for you: At the first reception I attended in Mauritius, I was chatting with some Air Mauritius pilots. One of them stated that he had just qualified. In a very interested way, I asked whether he had a good route. The conversation stopped, of course, while I processed the fact that it appears that I have just asked him about his sex life - that is the lovely and unexpected thing about homophones. He laughed and said that he had an excellent air-route to Rodrigues and also had a lovely girlfriend. It is a wonder I am ever asked anywhere...

  4. now I feel a bit worried.
    Well, maybe not worried at all. I remember myself driving my car after a night in the discothec, it was dark. Very dark. I complained how dark the streets of Vienna are at night. Until I realized I was wearing my sunglasses.

    The lipliner-finale is superbe!!

  5. No of course you are not alone in being dorky Blighty.
    I am a complete dork when it comes to hugging people. I get over enthusiastic and tread on toes. Look out, if I ever have the pleasure of meeting you, wear your steel caps.
    Hey are Brit tree loppers subject to a million elf and safety regulations too? I bet you made his day when he discovered you having a perve. 'It's ok cause I have a blog' you are a hoot girl!

  6. I laughed out loud Blighty...kohl on the lips set me off!

    My "Dorky planetary activities" somehow pale by comparison, and my retelling would not be as amusing as yours.

  7. I love you, Blighty! You make me laugh my face off. I too have doen the knicker on head thing. It is actually a bit of ingenious thinking...isn't it?!

  8. You are so adorable! You have just made my day brighter. Kellie xx

  9. Dear Blighty, we love you in all your dorkiness, I'm laughing out loud so much that everyone's annoyed with me. I think I may have a dual citizenship from your planet. You actioned that Chanel very well I think, if you can make your boy scream!

  10. Blighty I am laughing out loud and the dog is looking at me funny! I am a 100% card carrying dork which my children can attest to.
    Been there and done that more than once with the eyeliner. Very Cure like outcome. Even more startling when you use lipliner instead of eyeliner. Very pink eye.
    Daughter still in London but home in 7weeks 1 day and 2 hours. Not that I'm counting or anything.
    I think you and FF have to talk Trans Commowealth book deals / talk shows when you get together in Blightytown. Surely Mr Blighty knows some liteary agent or PR person? Your public demands it of you both and you'll have more than 3 pounds to put towards the Wallis/Windsors jewels. I think you both going global is a win win for eveyone!
    Kate Bx

  11. B. Can you believe it? This morning, I had to have a quick shower at a friend's place after drenching myself in tea, and I needed an emergency shower cap, God, if only your knicker/showercap combo had been available, I'd have been your first customer.
    Louise xxxx

  12. Me again!
    Just been to FF, you had better not wear that string top you showed us this week when you get your turn of the Wally Crosses Charm Bracelet.

  13. This was a most hilarious post Blighty. I cannot stop laughing, great start to my day. I too come from Planet Dork so share your pain, my husband also comes from this Planet. Just recently at an exhibition we went to he pinched the bottom and whispered sweet nothings into the ear of a blonde beside him
    (not realising I had walked away) he thought was me who was with her husband. She turned to face him and the look of shock and horror as the colour drained from his face was enough for the other couple to then burst into fits of laughter. It was priceless! He now hangs onto my hand at these things so as not to lose me. Cheers Robyn

  14. This is perhaps the funniest thing you have ever written. I am expecting a post from Treeman any day now. His side of the story must be told.

    If you see any people coming here from Twitter, that's me. I couldn't help myself.

  15. Dear Louise - knicker shower cap idea inspired, let's get Hermes on board
    Anonymous - glad you liked it!
    Dear Linda - how funny, I guess you pronounce "route" like us English do - "root" rather than "raowte" like those Americans? priceless. Important question - what do i have to do to get invited to a reception in Mauritius? I went to a coffee morning once in Hemel Hempsted but that's not quite the same..
    Paula - have never done the sunglasses thing before, just couldn't understand why the lighting was so bad!!
    Dear Anne-Marie - yep, hugging people is another minefield, and on about the 3rd date with Mr B I dropped a punt pole on his ankle (he was trying to do romantic punting at Oxford thing but i soon set him straight!)
    Dear Hostess - what is frightening is that all this stuff is true..won't be long now before the men in white coats drop by
    Dear Ivy Black - welcome and thank you for your comment, v cool name you have!
    Dear Kellie - hello there, ooh, I love your blog, it's sumptuous
    Dear Deb - the world of Chanel is just so complex!
    Dear Kate B - I loved The Cure, Robert Smith gave good eyeliner! Have not done the lipliner on eyes yet, but give me time! Hope your daughter has had a good time, I can't imagine how excited you will be to see her ; am terribly excited about meeting FF, what should I wear?? And what if my polish is chipped? Will FF action a citizen's arrest??
    Louise - what were you doing to drench yourself in tea? My coffee mornings are never that exciting - sometimes we go really wild and have a biscuit each, what can i say, life on the edge..
    Dear Robyn, that is brillinat! Of course now I am going to have to spend hours lingering hopefully in art galleries..
    Dear LPC - Treeman has not been seen in this area recently, there are rumours he was sighted in Buenos Aires the other day. Thank you for sending people my way, the more the merrier!

  16. Delerium treemens! Tooooooooo funny Blighty!

  17. Oh Blighty...
    I wonder if Treeman and Floorman already read your blog?
    Fun dorky tale: one lense fell out of my dad's glasses so he just popped it back in and went on with his day, but he couldn't figure out why everything looked off. He just couldn't quite seem to focus. He was telling a friend of his plight when she simply asked "do you have bifocals?" "yes". "well, you obviously put the lense in upside-down". "oh, obviously".
    You are not alone in the world!

  18. If you had to would you do Treeman or Floorman - make sure not wearing sunglasses when you think about this one as might mean you mistake one of them as having smouldering suave good looks.

  19. Oh Blighty - on my travels I missed reading your hysterical blog. It makes me laugh so! I think everyone has just a little Dork in them - they just don't like to admit it.

    We had a wonderful trip to the UK - all too short, or maybe we tried to squeeze too much in? At any rate, I referenced your August trip to Bicester Village in today's catch up post:

    Can't wait to read more of your adventures! Kx

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