Alien abduction on way to supermarket

So it was Monday morning. I got the boys off to school bright and early, and set off for the supermarket. Imagine my surprise when instead I found myself once again in the Happy Meadows Shoppe Centre. Those wretched aliens swooped down and took me there, and brainwashed me by telling me it was vital I returned the 18 pairs of games shorts I had bought for the boys which did not fit, it was a matter of National Security, no less.

It started well and the shorts were returned, with plenty of time left for my housewifely duties. But then, those evil aliens forced me to go check out TopShop. They told me the planet would not be safe until I had a pretty blousette like DD's.

This one was on the "Buy it Now or Your Life will Suck" rail. But it turned out to be scary - see- through over the tummy, and with flouncy sleeves. The risk of a dishwasher related accident was high.

Despite its similarity to a stained glass window, the top below was actually quite flattering. The aliens told me it was all the rage on Planet Zog (goes well with green skin and tentacles).

Right, that's enough, now on to the supermarket. No more messing about. But those aliens are unrelenting, they forced me to check out Biba, recently relaunched as a brand within the House of Fraser store. (Biba was huge in the 60s, with a very happening shop in Kensington and patronised by people like Marianne Faithfull and Anita Pallenberg).

All very rock chicky, with a lot of purple and velvet. Just the sort of thing to wear when hanging out with Keith. Shame about the clearance sign in the background, sort of ruins the image!

First I thought this top was in leather, but it turned out to be in a matt satin. Life is full of disappointments.

This velvet dress was very dramatic, but I could not imagine it fitting into my lifestyle. My thermal vest would show at the back.

That blouse again. Very froufrou.

So now it was high time to hit the supermarket. Which is why I went into the changing rooms to try on some tops from a brand called Mint Velvet, or Velvet Mint, or Mint Green; something minty; or possibly green..

The aliens instructed me to pose like this, to show the voluminous sleeves. I think they were using me to try to flag down the mothership.

You can tell from my body language I was getting quite cross with myself and those aliens, why was I wasting time like this and why did I need a yokel type smock last worn in the wheat fields in the 19th century?

And of course this one was completely the wrong size, guess the aliens wanted me to hide their spaceship under it..

Enough. No more. I was out of there. Which is why I then tried on some numbers from Whistles. The red top below was promising, silk with lycra. Until I saw it was dry clean only and the aliens said that was no good, things could get very messy in the galaxy.

The top below, also Whistles, had weird pointy out bits on the shoulders. I guess I just don't understand fashion. The aliens tried to convince me it was designed with the spiked shouldered Beast of Gallifray in mind. The rivets also worried me. Would they require much maintenance? Would they rust?

Finally and by now I was seething at myself for wasting all this time, a leopard type arrangement. Not bad except so tight round the tops of my arms, I could hardly lift them. Which could make actually doing anything a teeny bit tricky.

On the way out I stopped and got Chanel Vendetta nail polish for DD. It's a deep purple. The sales assistant told me she had just sold the last Paradoxal. The aliens ordered me to hunt down the lucky customer but I resisted.

So a great deal of fruitless footling about. I finally did the supermarket and firmly resolved to be a better wife and mother. No more time wasting. Ever. I would do my tax return, make nourishing soups, and take an evening class in roofing or welding.

So, imagine my surprise when, during supper preparations, I found myself painting my nails each a different colour. Apparently, the aliens needed to know which colours would be most visible from Outer Space.

Do you ever get abducted by aliens like this or is it just me?