Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
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Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Alien abduction on way to supermarket

So it was Monday morning. I got the boys off to school bright and early, and set off for the supermarket. Imagine my surprise when instead I found myself once again in the Happy Meadows Shoppe Centre. Those wretched aliens swooped down and took me there, and brainwashed me by telling me it was vital I returned the 18 pairs of games shorts I had bought for the boys which did not fit, it was a matter of National Security, no less.

It started well and the shorts were returned, with plenty of time left for my housewifely duties. But then, those evil aliens forced me to go check out TopShop. They told me the planet would not be safe until I had a pretty blousette like DD's.

This one was on the "Buy it Now or Your Life will Suck" rail. But it turned out to be scary - see- through over the tummy, and with flouncy sleeves. The risk of a dishwasher related accident was high.

Despite its similarity to a stained glass window, the top below was actually quite flattering. The aliens told me it was all the rage on Planet Zog (goes well with green skin and tentacles).
Right, that's enough, now on to the supermarket. No more messing about. But those aliens are unrelenting, they forced me to check out Biba, recently relaunched as a brand within the House of Fraser store. (Biba was huge in the 60s, with a very happening shop in Kensington and patronised by people like Marianne Faithfull and Anita Pallenberg).

All very rock chicky, with a lot of purple and velvet. Just the sort of thing to wear when hanging out with Keith. Shame about the clearance sign in the background, sort of ruins the image!
First I thought this top was in leather, but it turned out to be in a matt satin. Life is full of disappointments.

This velvet dress was very dramatic, but I could not imagine it fitting into my lifestyle. My thermal vest would show at the back.

That blouse again. Very froufrou.

So now it was high time to hit the supermarket. Which is why I went into the changing rooms to try on some tops from a brand called Mint Velvet, or Velvet Mint, or Mint Green; something minty; or possibly green..

The aliens instructed me to pose like this, to show the voluminous sleeves. I think they were using me to try to flag down the mothership.

You can tell from my body language I was getting quite cross with myself and those aliens, why was I wasting time like this and why did I need a yokel type smock last worn in the wheat fields in the 19th century?

And of course this one was completely the wrong size, guess the aliens wanted me to hide their spaceship under it..

Enough. No more. I was out of there. Which is why I then tried on some numbers from Whistles. The red top below was promising, silk with lycra. Until I saw it was dry clean only and the aliens said that was no good, things could get very messy in the galaxy.

The top below, also Whistles, had weird pointy out bits on the shoulders. I guess I just don't understand fashion. The aliens tried to convince me it was designed with the spiked shouldered Beast of Gallifray in mind. The rivets also worried me. Would they require much maintenance? Would they rust?

Finally and by now I was seething at myself for wasting all this time, a leopard type arrangement. Not bad except so tight round the tops of my arms, I could hardly lift them. Which could make actually doing anything a teeny bit tricky.

On the way out I stopped and got Chanel Vendetta nail polish for DD. It's a deep purple. The sales assistant told me she had just sold the last Paradoxal. The aliens ordered me to hunt down the lucky customer but I resisted.

So a great deal of fruitless footling about. I finally did the supermarket and firmly resolved to be a better wife and mother. No more time wasting. Ever. I would do my tax return, make nourishing soups, and take an evening class in roofing or welding.

So, imagine my surprise when, during supper preparations, I found myself painting my nails each a different colour. Apparently, the aliens needed to know which colours would be most visible from Outer Space.

Do you ever get abducted by aliens like this or is it just me?


  1. Blighty you are doing yourself down! I think you looked super young and trendy in most of those tops. And hooray for buying Chanel Vendetta nail polish - do keep it for yourself. I love,love it. But sadly I find both Vendetta and Paradoxal are difficult to apply and soon peel off. Not to be defeated, I just keep re-applying.(See my recent blogs.)

  2. Oh Blighty, you do crack me up!

  3. RE Aliens directing me to do inapproppriate, time wasting, errrrr EVASIVE activities.
    YYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSS. I have two Uni essays due on Friday, so I'm reading Blighty and commenting.

  4. Aliens again!! With essay notes here in front of me, those pesky aliens sent me to FF, and then I had to google the Oprah Show Ticket Lottery bizo info.

  5. I do not get abducted. I believe this is because aliens like to abduct humans who make them laugh so hard that soda comes out their nose. Sorry, you're doomed.

  6. hi blighty,

    i loved you in everything. really i did. you are a doll. and funny too. killer combo.


  7. Blighty you are so funny!
    I love love love your always make me smile.

    You could write a comic strip in a newspaper or in Country Living the tales from the Village.

    Thanks for sharing your joy.

  8. Dear Mrs Blighty, While on some days shopping can be quite pleasurable on others it really feels like some over zealous form of flagellation. Take the other day in point when I was looking for that prosaic of all items - a new pair of jeans. In the first shop the only pair that fit me had sparkles all over the bottom. Now if you have an ample bottom as I do, you hardly want to draw attention to it with sequins. So then I go into a proper jeans store and hopefully approach the female attendant who horrifyingly hands me over to a gorgeous young man. Even at my advanced years, I really could have been spared the humiliation of having to say to him in relation to more than one pair of jeans in Spanish " My bottom is too big for these jeans". Uuurrrgggh.

  9. Blighty you look very trim and terrific in these pics. Have you been working out?
    No my dear you are certainly not alone.
    I was hijacked just this morning while I was wandering the shops wearing a glazed expression, hunting for a birthday gift.
    Before I knew it I was dragged into a fitting room trying on clothes in colours I don't like. Anything to avoid coming up with a gift idea you see.

  10. Dear Blighty! Absolutely love your blog!

    I'm writing to you from "Mint Velvet" - we're holding a bloggers' AW10 preview event tomorrow night in London and we would be delighted if you could make it.

    Please do email me if you would like some more information.

    Best wishes

    Beth (

  11. Dear Blighty, I loved those peasant yokel ones on you, particularly one with long sleeves. I want you to go back and buy them please. BTW: You rock.

  12. OMG Paddy, did you READ the post above yours, it's from the lady who made or sells the "Yokel/peasant" tops.
    Dear Beth, Paddy means yokel/peasant in the nicest possible way!
    Paddy's Sister

    PS Dear Blighty - I still haven't done that essay - aliens rock!

  13. this is a strange coincidence: FF writes about being abducted and you, too!
    You look so tiny and young. Amazing! I had forgotten how you look like. You not only read like fun but also look like fun which is meant as a compliment!

  14. Dear Elegance, yes I loved your post on the Chanel polishes, that's what got me going, it is All Your Fault!
    Hello there Deb!
    Lousie - please do your essays, I promise to write lots more drivel for you to read ONCE you have done then (and no playing with Lego till you have done your homework either)
    Dear Janet, enough already, i am blushing!
    Hostess - you are very kind, Tales from the Madhouse more like!
    LPC - You are a lady of great self discipline and common sense, I still think of your brilliant "how to have a good mood day post", I could write the opposite - "how to make yourself tired and fractious "
    Linda - yes "flagellation" - that is brilliantly expressed, bang on! Actually I am not too sorry for you with the gorgeous young man, he would have thought you were fab, older lady and all that, Mrs Robinson has a lot to answer for, and it is so cool you can spead Spanish - I would have managed "My beer please is too small for my patatas"
    Anne-Marie - you too, those aliens will stop at nothing till they have achieved world domination; re working out, yeah, I do 3 hours of calisthenics every morning and then go to spinning and then run 3 miles and then swim 5 miles.... and I wear a lot of lycra...HA! BS city! I find tight jeans pull everything in very well and of course changing room mirrors are designed to flatter!
    Dear Beth, how exciting, thank you so much for inviting me. I would have loved to come but unfortunately am going to Open Evening at my older son's possible next school, I have booked babysitter and briefed Mr Blighty to turn up to view really is full of disappointments - Mr B probably would not let me come anyway as I would come back having bought the whole collection! By the way, do feel free to send me loads of free clothes.
    Paddy - you are very kind, I think Mint Velvet should make you their brand ambassador in Aussieland.
    Louise - do your essay!!
    Paula - how are you? hope all well xx

  15. Hi Blighty, thank you for asking! I am fine! Before I was miserable, had a pretty bad lumbago for a whole week, maximum dose of pain killers intus. At the office my co-worker is leaving at the end of the month, deadlines are running fast and my mum ended up in the hospital after a visit to the zoo. (stumbled over her youngest granddaughter). Everything will turn out OK in the end but right now I don't know where to begin.
    Following your path I decided to start the ultimate quest for the signature-perfume I wnat to wear in fall/winter. NOW! As if I weren't busy yet. At the moment I arrived at Flower Bomb. A scent I like more since I turned blonde. Did not match the dark brunette Paula before. :)
    I am looking forward to taking pictures again - and post them on my blog soon. :)
    PS: I already started by taking one picture that will be dedicated to you. A shop window. Two dresses.

  16. dear Paula, sounds as though you have had a bit of a trying time, hope all gets sorted soon. and you have gone blonde - wow! how exciting!! xx

  17. I have been thinking about this recurrent alien abduction issue. Maybe next time if you get a spare minute you could chat with them about cloning. If there were two of you then you could go to the trendy fashionista Mint Velvet party and the school thingy. Not to mention play funny tricks on your kids and Mr B....

    Just a thought.

  18. TEE HEE, 1 essay, half finished. The aliens directed me to do 3 hours ironing after paragraph 4.
    It's due tomorrow, hope I get to play with the lego on the weekend.
    I HATE ACADEMIC WRITING -just in case you weren't sure of that!

    Your nails look great - did you sport that multihued look to the new school night/tryout?

    Paula, go for Flower Bomb, I have worn it since it was released, it's feminine but not sickly sweet. My gay best friend (a famous artist with superior taste) loves it, the ultimate approval rating I think!

    Blighty, thanks for recommending the Velvety Minty people send Paddy clothes, she owes me BIG time on sharing with her sister. Hope some nice things start flying to Brisbane, then on to Townsville

  19. And a further essay evasion update, we found out about Spam Fritters last night. FF directed us to watch a cooking show by a guy called Heston or something, he was recreating his British 1970's school dinners. Apparently you all ate deep fried spam for lunch till Maggie T pulled the pin on school lunches. The opening of the spam tin drove me back to my essay, but I blogged FF to leave a spam comment instead.
    Essay deadlines seem to be inspirational to send long and boring posts about myself to you and FF.
    Sorry about that, tee hee!

  20. Hello,

    you look so THIN. Well done.

    Fingers and Toes that your next abduction takes you to

    a. Authourised Rolex Dealer, or alternatively
    b. Hermes


  21. Louise, Do Your Essays Already! You are almost as bad as me and my ironing!! And I can't bear the guilt of distracting you from your academic studies. What is essay on anyway? What are your studying?
    And yes, I can remember spam fritters at infants school, spam played a large part in our school dinners, we used to cut bits out to make pictures, like a little basket, the grey mashed potato was also good for art projects...oh happy innocent days..


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