Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
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Saturday, 7 May 2011


Boy 1 attended his school disco last night.  This highlight of the Daphne4Boy$ social calendar includes girls (or grils as they are known in our house) from two local girls' schools, The Katie Price School for Young Ladies, and St Britneys.  It is an established myth among the Daphne boys that the Katies are total babes while the Britneys make the school dog look good; I have already given a stern lecture to my boys about kindness and not making horrid comments like this, but this silly folklore persists.  I feel sure the Britneys will have the last laugh and will no doubt break many a former Daphne's boy heart in later years.

The build up to this event was quite something.  A few days ago Boy 1 requested that his favourite shirt be retrieved from the bottom of the laundry basket, washed and ironed.  It's got a sort of Miami Vice vibe to it.  Bound to impress the girls.

Then, a couple of nights ago at the dinner table Boy 1 announced that in Science that day they had done " Pollination and (pausing for effect and then in over-enthusiastic tones)..Fertilisation."  "You know, Mummy, mammals, er, like humans, and Mr Grummidge drew a big picture on the board of a penis and testicles and we all giggled and....."

"More pasta anyone?" I squeaked.

Boys 1 and 2 looked at each other conspiratorially and then Boy 1 said, " I'm going to get the Big Book of Sex" and shot off into the other room.

Now, I am worried on at least 2 fronts:
  1. the timing of this biology lesson seems a bit unfortunate, what with the disco and girls being there and all, we really don't want any pollination;
  2. what the heck is the Big Book of Sex?  And have Boys 1 and 2 being telling all their schoolmates that they have such a book at home and have their schoolmates told their parents and do they think we have a copy of the Karma Sutra hanging around the place or some sort of scary manual thingie ? (if we have it's news to me, though we do have a DIY manual which I find quite exciting....)
Boy 1 reappeared with this. It's a jolly book to explain things to children which has been lurking on the bookshelf for years and which the boys have never taken much interest in.
Though they do like these pages, which I agree look great fun. 
I asked Boy 1 if  I should get him a space hopper to take to the disco and he got VERY CROSS.
I do wonder if this book has affected them at a tender age and if they will forever be doomed to need a minimum of 20 ballooons before they can .....or the opposite - what if they can't even walk past a partyshop without .....?.right, I'll stop now.

On the night of the disco we had a last minute panic about what trousers to wear.

And  Boy 1 took a shower.  I feel we have moved into teen territory.

Boy 1 swiped Mr Blighty's deodorant, I am not quite sure to which bit of himself Boy 1 applied it, the other day I saw him rubbing it on his wrist.  Apparently all the boys in Y5 (9-10years) are obsessed with Lynx deodorant, to such an extent that asthma attacks in the changing rooms are up 100%.

Mr Blighty collected Boy 1 from the disco when it ended at 9pm.  I could not get anything out of Boy 1 about what had happened.  But later Mr Blighty told me that Boy1 had confided that he had danced 56 times, 28 times with a girl called Catherine. Later enquiries reveal that "dancing" means holding hands and jumping up and down on the spot.

Well, this is all very unsettling stuff.  But I am pleased to report Boy 1 is back to normal today.

Here is me trying to be all Homes and Gardens with an little blue and white arrangement in the living room.

And here is Boy 1 with his own decorating finishing touches: an improvised pingpong table with a net built with cereal packets.  If you overcook your return of service, Mummy's ornaments are toast.

Maybe if I play pingpong with him again tomorrow, he will tell me more about the Big Book of Sex...


  1. Happy Mother's Day, Blighty m'dear!

    May thoughts of pollination wait for a few decades yet....

    SSG xxx

    Sydney Shop Girl blog

  2. the clowns in the book werent drawn by your boys? I am sitting here with huge eyes ...

    Thank you so much for the disco-story. I smiled when I saw the deodorant - my nephew was totally into AXE deodorant. pfouh. This was huge cloud around him. The jumping up and down, everything you tell us here is adorable! Today I guess I envy you being a mother of boys. Coz they can be so cute.

  3. The dancing sounds very romantic...

    I am very concerned about the balloons in that book Blighty. Could you explain a little more??

  4. Dear Mrs Blighty, I hope you wake up to a wonderful breakfast in bed and a lovely Mother's Day. Boy 1 acquitted himself admirably at the disco - it sounds as if he had a full dance card. Did you discover whether Catherine was a Katies' girl? I remember that Babette Cole book - one can only imagine what children think their parents get up to when they go to bed after reading it. I would start saving for the counselling bills now, Mrs B! Did you ever see the sex education lesson given by John Cleese in The Meaning of Life? I wonder what your boys would make of it? Lindaxxx

  5. I applaud you for gaining control on the blue and white arrangement....
    as for the boys and girls....we moms must have faith in our children's choices.

    Happy Mother's Day Blighty!

  6. Oh Lordy where do I get one of those books?!

    Blighty, our Uno Boy is headed into Teen Territory as well, and posts such as these given me such guidance & strength.


  7. That book is a crack up. Never ever seen or heard of it Blights. Mr A would enjoy the pictures.
    All I can say about your boys is This Is Just The Beginning. Oh and Lynx, blimey yes it stinks. My teenager son was also addicted to the spray version which would have me running outside to fill my lungs with fresh air. I do know that now he's a grown-up he uses roll-on and remembers his Lynx days as a right of passage. His words.
    Boy 1 is spot on re dancing technique, it's very much jumping on the spot, so cute.

  8. Hi Blighty,
    I am not yet in the same bemusing territory-but almost. lynx company shares are clearly worth looking into.
    When I despair about my boy 1's oblivion to matters of personal hygiene my friends with older boys seem wistful-the boy pong vs the lynx pong-they seem to prefer the former.
    I am just waiting for the plumber with the drain fixing "roto-rooter" to finish his work...boy 2 appears to be the culprit as they are discovering large wads of bubble gum down the drain!
    So if they aren't using up all the hot water with long showers, are boys otherwise engaged with plumbing disasters?
    Your post was as funny as ever, thank you!
    Polly x

  9. oh God that is BRILLIANT! I loved it! 'Asthma attacks are up by 100%' is just brilliant.

    If your son thinks that he'll need 20 balloons for successful pollination, believe me, he'll be no worse off than the current lot who seem to have learned about the joy of sex from free on-line porn.

    Apparently they don't know that real women come with hair THERE. This is one thing that Sonshine is very well aquainted with, seeing as how I'm ever so lazy on my hair-eradication programme (specially in the winter). Sonshine knows that hair grows EVERYWHERE.

    My only positive contribution to his sex education knowledge.

    I think it's quite sad that they get rail-roaded into discos and having to play with girls (grils)when they are only really interested in Lego and building things, not hand-holding.

    Ali x

    Ali xxx

  10. Hi Anon, funny you should mention plumbing disasters as only last night Mr B borrowed next door's drain rods as we had a blockage - turned out to be gravel - I am suspicious, very suspicious, as my boys are drawn to gravel...
    Hi Ali - yes I agree disco and grils, it all seems too soon but they seem very resilient and only take on board what they can deal with...but this is a very curious phase - longings for Lynx deodorant and yet still going to bed with cuddly comforters...wasn't it Ruskin who got a terrible shock on his wedding night as he thought women were hairless like the classical Greek statues? I am with you on not overdoing hair removal, there are more interesting things to do with one's time such as reading the Daily Mail on-line or eating biscuits..

  11. I am lucky, my 15 yrs old nephew is still cute! Yesterday he invited me into his room and asked me to translate a french house-tune. He was cute, telling me about the party he'd visited.

  12. The Lynx on the wrist is just too funny!!!! I am dreading DREADING the teen years...Blighty that messy bathroom sent chills up my spine, CHILLS I tell you x

  13. HAHAHA Am off to buy MUMMY LAID AN EGG on ebay. My kids aren't traumatised anywhere near enough yet. Found your blog by accident. You write so well!
    Jess x (The Farmer's Wife)


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