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Wednesday, 16 March 2011

The Planned Post Is Now Toast

Dahlings, I had such a lovely post planned for today.  It was going to be so elegant, so stylish, so sophisticated, so so

It was going to involve a delicious discussion of eye shadow.  Should I embrace the new eye shadow shape or will I just look like a demented panda let loose on a paintbox?

Very mauve eye shadow look from Harpers
Gwyneth on cover of March's Harpers with
lots of blue eye shadow
Also from Harpers, some complicated stuff with eyeliner  going on here

I was also going to touch on scarves and discuss the fun I have been having trying to learn to tie them a la MaiTai.  MaiTai is the Goddess of Scarves, actually she is quite simply a Goddess, and she has these great how to videos on her blog.  I have decided that remembering to arrange your scarf into the basic bias fold is Key.  It makes all scarves look better, even non-Hermes ones (sigh - note to Mr B: I have been terribly good recently in all sorts of saintly ways I can't quite recall at the moment, surely a Hermes scarflet would be deserved??  NO  - I DON'T CARE WE JUST HAD THE RADIATOR HOUSING THERMOSTAT MCWHATSIT ON THE CAR FIXED FOR THE PRICE OF A HERMES SCARF, IT'S NOT THE SAME..) 

I was going to show you recent scarf purchases. (Note to Mr B: sourced at my spiritual home, Bicester Retail Village and thus heavily discounted (FF 2011) and so begging to be bought, crime not to etc etc)
Fendi scarf from Bicester Village

Dior scarf also from Bicester Village

Lots to look at on scarf
Even a bit of leopard print

I was also planning on a little light discussion of brooches, with which I have become ever so slightly obsessed, ever since I first clapped eyes on Faux Fuchsia's bee and Chanel numbers.  And then a new blogger I have discovered, Mrs Exeter, posted a picture of her recently acquired Chanel brooch.

I have sourced a few brooches but must admit to having technical difficulties re secure attachment and so things drop off me now and again, at my age I am just thankful it's only a brooch and not teeth or  support garments.

Bee brooch from Butler and Wilson, £28

BUT NO, ALAS, the whole elegant swellegant post has been DERAILED.
Instead of glamour, I bring you:


 It's all the fault of the bl**dy bread.

I bought Kingsmill Secretly Seeded, seduced by its stealth health claims and the jolly little arrow proclaiming "no bits".

Ha! No way was Boy 1 falling for this: there was much muttering along  the lines of " most disgusting  ....killing me....poison.....toxic....bits...revolting"

This morning for breakfast he requested cheese on toast, which I lovingly made.  Since I had an entire loaf to get rid of, I gambled on him not noticing the Health Bread under 1kg of melted cheese. Big mistake:  howls of anguish from Boy 1. All this with minus 5 minutes to school run.

Suddenly I found myself picking up the whole loaf in its plastic bag and throwing it at him, while ranting about spoilt children; Boy1 deftly parried the incoming loaf missile and burst into tears.  I then grabbed the bread and proceeded to jump up and down on it, at the same time shouting incoherently about starving children in Africa, aware even as I did so this was not very logical behaviour.

Boy 2 then burst into tears.

 Suddenly I was overcome with Maternal Guilt.  I had reduced both boys to tears, even innocent bystander Boy 2,who was no doubt traumatised by sight of mother losing the plot; I had damaged his delicate little psyche. Forever. He would never recover. He was Scarred for Life.

"Sorry darlings, sorry, Mummy is soooooo sorry" I grovelled as I cuddled Boy 2.

Boy 2 sobbed a bit more and then explained that he was NOT crying  because of his mother's nutsy behaviour.  Oh no, our sensitive little soul was wailing for another reason altogether: the biscuit accompaniment to his Muller Crunch Corner was soggy and thus not providing him with the comestible enjoyment to which he has become other words if his brother was going to throw a hissy fit about the breakfast offering, he was sure as hell not going to be left out..
Balls indeed

If you need me, I'll be in the bread aisle of our local supermarket, testing the texture of the bread.  With my feet.


  1. Dear Mrs Blighty, I wept I laughed so hard. I am currently on the first day of I will not shout at the children particularly in the morning when they reject healthy food. I am constantly overcome by maternal guilt - it is a sort of substitute Hermes scarf but without the glamour. I have a single Hermes scarf but to have a Fendi one and the very cute Dior one! That bee brooch has quite a jaunty air. I hope you bought it. I think the Gwyneth look is for you. By the way, it was always the starving children in China when we were a child. Excellent that Boy 1 hit the bowled bread loaf - he could be a late call up for the game against the West Indies. love Lindaxxx

  2. Oh this was hilarious! I enjoyed your elegant swellegant derailment immensely. Child #2 jumping on the band wagon about not-so crunchy biscuits was definitely the cherry on top!

  3. This is legendary parenting, more jumping on foodstuffs I say !

  4. Ok. Listen to Me. I LOVE the Dior scarf! With leopard no less!

    That bread does look a bit squashed- time for a bread and butter pudding? xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  5. Thanks for the mention - I've just finished posting another brooch on a new sweater. I love brooches and cannot resist buying more. If you are worried about one falling off you can secure it from behind with a little safety pin.

    Oh I BADLY need to get over to Bicester ASAP as my love for scarves is only slightly eclipsed by love of brooches. I did not know there was Dior there!

    I once jumped up and down on a box of Nesquick cereal when my request that it be finished before the Cocopops were opened was met by grizzling. Daughter was okay after 6 months counselling.

  6. Mrs Legend has a scarf problem. She can't walk past a shop selling them without making a purchase. Our bedroom starts to look like a bedouin tent when she can't find the right one for the look she is creating at 5.00 IN THE MORNING for christ's sake.

  7. Hi there!! Thanks for stopping by with your lovely comment, its much appreciated!! Your Dior and Fendi scarves are just gorgeous and love the brooches too x

  8. I am laughing so hard. Why is it that the same children who love popcorn and sunflower and pumpkin seeds freak out when they see a flake of oatmeal or flax upon their crust, which they don't eat anyway. It absolutely wears me out. I would not worry too much about the bread stomping. Personally I think that if Mumsie is too saintly and perfect they will never leave home to raise ingrates of their own!

  9. Thank you, thank you for the hearty laugh this morning. It is not just kids that bring this sort of frustration into our lives--for me it has been my incredibly picky dog. I will employ the foot stomping on bag of food trick to see if it procures any sort of dog guilt. And as a scarf loving, brooch wearing woman of little means, I totally appreciated the pictures of the fashion finds--especially the Dior scarf!! xxBliss

  10. Blighty - You never fail to make me laugh! I too have had the screaming abdabs about food with Sonshine, hotly followed by a blast of maternal guilt at making my son cry/hide behind the furniture - delete as appropriate.

    I cannot buy seeded bread, strong cheese or non-chocolate biscuits without a strunt erupting somewhere.

    Note: If end up keeping a pain au chocolat in your bread bin for 3 years, you will have finally descended to the Outer Ring of Hell that is my world. Which has NO Hermes scarves in it.

    Ali xx

  11. Ohhh, I find that Dior scarf stunning and leopard print really does not have a "leopard character" as we often tend to (negatively) think is complementing the scarf very much. That colour combination would work wonderfully for me, but I do not live in UK and do not know whether they would be willing to ship it outside...I visited your blog for the first time and it caused an immediate trouble for me, lol. Fendi scarf is also a beauty - although I have been buying Hermes scarves only, now I could reconsider my purchase. Thanks for the report, best, Anna

  12. Congratulations on your new scarves, they are so very pretty, and perfect for spring! So happy you enjoy the videos, many thanks for the mention :) Lol re the loaf, will keep that as an ace card up my sleeve ;-)

  13. Love the scarves but much more, your hilarious posts. I usually try to read your blog alone-so that I don't bother anyone else when I am laughing outloud.

    Wow, I enjoy your blog immensely. Thank you.

  14. Francescais isi n full flight, can't think of anything funny to say. Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up completely cured, non drugged for pain relief, and with a rubber back spine and vertebra. Why was this not installed at birth? who do I complain about this to?

  15. Hi Blighty, sorry this comment is about an old post, the empty crunchy wrapper letter and it reminded me of the funniest book I have ever read! (no exaggerating here). it's called The Time Waster Letters by Robin Cooper, please read it I would love you to write a review on it. Seriously so funny Im laughing thinking about it. PS No I am not Robin Cooper :)

  16. Hi Beach Bum Mum (great name), Yes I have read The Time Waster Letters and I agree it's such a funny book, Mr B and I still talk of it fondly! I love the one to the Aerial Photography company asking them to take a pic of his TV aerial...must find our copy of it and when I do, will do post on it, thank you so much for reminding me of it! the reply to the crunchy letter was v disappointing, just gave me a £2 voucher which is still lurking in my purse...

  17. The boys are lucky to have you, funniest mum alive! I remember my mother cracked it at the dinner table once. I complained about not having enough water, and she poured the water jug all over the table. I was schocked at first,, but then in hysterics. Coolest mum <3

    Stina xx

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