Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and cannot guarantee nut-free
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Bin There, Done That
A worrying few days. My mother (aka Grandma Whacker or the Big G) is in hospital. Now she is feeling a bit better we are able to laugh a bit about the past few days. Highlights include:
The long, long wait in A&E where we saw a guy go past handcuffed and chained to a policeman; he seemed to have been fast-tracked, so next time I am whacking the handcuffs onto G, which should also make her more cooperative generally;
A chap in a baseball cap with a bandaged foot, whose cheery girlfriend said to him, " I don't wanna worry you or nuffin Craig but they keep us waiting much longer, all the tendons in your foot are gonna die..." He took this in a very resigned fashion. Probably used to Mrs DoomPants;
A junior doctor who I swear was about 12 years old;
The complete absence of child with saucepan on head. You know in those old films they always have a kid in the waiting room with a saucepan jammed on its head? Well I have yet to see this in Real Life. Why? Have heads and/or saucepans been made a different shape for Elf and Safety reasons? Or do kids have more exciting things to do these days like hacking into the CIA database or playing poker? (I joke not about the latter, today I found Boys 1 and 2 happily teaching themselves Seven Card Stud ; it is my fault, I picked up a set including a "how to" book from a charity shop and now they want to know what "ante" means; I am a terrible mother but I did once sit next to a woman at a dinner who said her son was a professional poker player and when I asked if he managed to make a living, she said he had just taken delivery of a Ferrari...so really I am paving the way for their future financial security).
G and I decided that there must be a Special Treatment Centre for kids with stuff stuck on their heads and that's why you never saw them in A&E. I then had a brilliant idea for a new business ( Brilliant Business Idea 509). In London there is a deluxe nursery called PippaPoppins - like a hotel for kids, they will even collect your 4 year old from the airport and take them straight back to PippaPoppins so you don't have to worry about them getting sticky fingers on your Bentley. My idea: PippaPopOffs (TM) - deluxe removal of any items stuck on toddlers' heads (but not nits or anything live, too much admin and heavy duty chemicals required). I am already working on the ads: "PippaPopOffs - Make the Bin a Has Bin" or "Don't Lose Your Head - Receptacle Removal with 100% Organic Extra Virgin Olive Oil". I have some experience in this field. With Boy 1. Just after this was taken there was a Panic followed by Successful Application of Oil to Head of Boy 1, and Emergency Application of Stiff Drink to Mouth of Mummy.
The scary Nurse Poo (our nickname, not her real name) who was very insistent about G providing, ahem, a stool sample; G explained she had already obliged in Ward 10; but Nurse Poo said Ward 5 needed its very own sample, they were not about to start sharing sh*t with Ward 10; we reckoned there was some sort of sinister inter-ward poop competition going on, and Ward 5 were trailing behind, as it were...
Thank goodness, G seems to have perked up and happily spends her days filling in all the paperwork to order her next meal. In fact she finds my visits really disrupt this important activity. She has also been reading up a storm. And wants me to tell Faux Fuchsia that there is a new biography coming out about Edith Sitwell which G thinks FF will like. Poor Edith, she was made to wear leg braces and some sort of horrid contraption on her nose when she was a child..
I leave you with some important Royal Wedding news. In Buckinghamshire, where Blighty HQ is situated, the Royal Wedding is raising some serious concerns.
I look forward to the headline in the Bucks Examiner: "Royal Wedding: Bucks does not give two fu hoots about Royal Wedding but bin disruption causes riot."