Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
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Wednesday, 25 June 2014

Border Disputes and Other Key Issues

Dahlings, I have had to write a stiff letter to Ines de la Fressange:

Dear Madame de la Fressange (can I call you Angie for short?)

Look here Angie!

We both know you have been style stalking me for years, copying my best looks and snatching my role as muse for old Karl L. from me....(Karl would have done much much better work if he had a mad old housewife as muse, his work with machine washable fabrics and go anywhere aprons and comfy shoes would have been Visionary).

See here's you wearing a stripey shirt under a pullover.

Well here's me.

Here's you rocking a Lacoste polo shirt.

Here's me doing the same look in my own way, using a body double.  See how you have even copied the multiple medallion look, Angie?

Angie, I have turned a blind eye to this sartorial theft but now you have gone too far:

Outrageous!  Copying my canine accessory! How dare you! Have you no shame? All I can say is, I hope he sheds hair on your slimline black capris and chews up your Roger Viviers.

Your sincerely

B Blighty

And then I had to write to old Kirstie Allsop

Dear Mrs Allsop

I read in the Daily Mail on-line that recently you have caused a mini furore by stating that girls should not go to university.  I suspect that superficially stoopid statement was actually a very clever way of getting publicity for your latest enterprise.

But what concerns me is this picture of you with a Border Terrier.  What are you thinking?  There you are, encouraging people to do up their homes and scatter cushions and curtains around with gay abandon while at the same time clutching what we now refer to in our house as a Mobile Shredder. Have you seen their teeth? Huge!  It is only a matter of time before old matey there chomps his way through a rug and a lovely throw embroidered by peasants in rural Gloucestershire, before setting to work on that flower arrangment.  You have been warned.

Yours sincerely
B Blighty

And then I had to write to this lady.
Dear Mrs Queen Beatrix
I now understand the real reason for your abdication.  They really are trouble aren't they?  Well done on managing to keep the Queen gig going so long while handling a Border Terror.  You were very wise though to hand over to your son so you could concentrate on Border Control issues. I like the way you look regal and serene in this photo while at the same time keeping a firm hold on the Terror. Out of interest, has he ever jumped in a canal before?
Yours etc

Well I was told a dog could be a lot of work but I had no idea it would involve so much correspondence.


  1. Hello Blighty,

    Well, we are cat people and, after reading this alarming canine centred post we are happy to focus on felines.

    You are so clever to have unearthed the absolute, unadulterated truth behind these newsworthy stories of the day. Clearly the Border Terrier, alias Border Terror, alias Boundary Trouble, alias K9 Shredder is an animal not to be housed lightly (or at all, presumably). What a marvellous public servant you are to have written to these unsuspecting celebs to give warning and support in their hours of Terrier (or is it Terror). You deserve a medal.

    Perhaps HM The Queen of Corgis will be persuaded to confer the highest order of the land upon you......keeper of the Royal Kennels. Woof, woof!

    1. Loving Boundary Troube and K9 Shredder - excellent, thanks Hattats! Bxx

  2. You should try a very rambunctious lovable labrador - I had a house full with enough shedded hair to weave a carpet. He has been gone for years now but I still shudder when I remember.
    Cindy F

  3. I imagine the letter recipients are now scurrying about to remedy all these situations, as well they might.

    1. Dear LPC, Yes well I should think so! Can you imagine the nerve of that Fressange woman!

  4. Hilarious, Blighty, you have not lost you touch.. We had a little Australian terrier who was, in fact, quite a terror. We never recovered....and never got another dog! May the famous gals be warned!

  5. Dear Patricia, I can imagine that an Australian terrier would be quite a handful - half dog, half Crocodile Dundee xxx

  6. A friend of mine has a terror/terrier that chews everything in the house, and I mean everything. He has even been known to chew disposable razors, blade and all. They call him Jimmy. Jimmy Chew.

    1. Dear Minerva, Jimmy Chew! That is fantastic! wish I had thought of that! xx

  7. I had a Shih Tzu that was a terror ....... you know .... I still miss him.

  8. "Mobile Shredder" BWAAHAHAHAHA!!! I have a King Charles who's an absolute hooligan. Maybe former Queen B would be interested....


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