Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
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Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Early Morning Thoughts or Why Modern Technology is Rife with Danger

Even their own ads admit the possibility of getting drenched

Here is what came into my head first thing:

That is a weird loo.

Who knew there would be actual scarf porn?

You will be relieved* to hear that the two thoughts are not related.

Let's go to the loo first:
  I was watching YouTube** yesterday and there was an ad for a loo that swooshed water up your butt (sorry but can't find a delicate way of putting that, just hope the actual loo is more delicate about it).  
Saucy action shot, for more please send your bank account details to this number

A myriad questions arise, including:

What on earth? 

Is this optional or does it happen every time?

 Have they looked into the Elf and Safety implications? 

What if the timing is set wrong and it whooshes water at you before you have even  got your pants down?  How would you explain your drenched trousers?

Darling did you enjoy a refreshing toileting experience?
Yes but now I permanently wear sweatpants as I am getting through 8 pairs a day

What if your plumber gets the water pressure too high and it blasts you out of the loo on a tidal wave right into the middle of your dinner party guests?

Now, any one for coffee and mints?

What if the machines take over and the loo starts following you around, and every time you step out of line it mutters in sinister tones "Time to freshen up!" and blasts your bot??

Quite frankly I am surprised Mr Cameron hasn't recalled Parliament to debate the issue, or even summoned COBRA, it seems to me it could be the biggest threat facing our society since er....[insert threat of choice - Kardashians, tamagochi, ]

See it's definitely a sinister cult

Dear readers, have you had personal experience of such loos?  Please share your thoughts.

Now scarf porn:

I am currently experiencing major Scarflet Fever so was poking around the internets to see pics of scarves tied; as the Goddess MaiTai advises, when choosing a scarf, you need to see how it looks tied, not just opened out flat. This is very wise advice which of course I ignored to my cost when buying this scarf on evilBay.

Looks stunning flat.
Sorry the Ektorp is out of stock but have you tried our meatballs?

However when tied and worn looks worryingly like the IKEA corporate colours, I have nothing against IKEA but possibly not the look you want with your Hermes...

Among the many Google images of Hermes scarves there was one I clicked on - it then offered to show me lots of ways of tying scarves if I paid some money via PayPal..then I noticed a few others from the same "people"...Svetlana and Ludmilla would show me how to tie silk scarves and then they would get naughty....

What on earth?

Is this optional or does it happen every time?

Have they looked into the Elf and Safety implications?

Dry cleaning issues?

So my theory is that a small boy  is dragged by his mother to the Hermes mothership at Faubourg St Honore and has to wait for hours while his mother peruses all the Hermes loveliness; the boy lies under the tables of the Hermes wares and looks at the ladies' forever Hermes scarves and feminine charms are linked in his impressionable psyche....***

Am I being disgusting?

But the most shocking, depraved aspect of all this:
(stop reading now if you are of a delicate disposition)
I am pretty sure those Hermes scarves sported by old Ludmilla and co were ...


I know.  The internet is a wicked, wicked place.

*Pun intended
** Ok, I admit, it was the audition scene from Flashdance, what can I say, I have a very rich cultural life
*** Note to self, never ever take Boys 1 and 2 to Hermes, cannot afford them developing Hermes fetish and throwing away all their money on the hard faced Svetlanas and Ludmillas of this world, who quite frankly would not be the daughters in law I would choose and would probably have some interesting ideas re water blasting loos..



  1. That is one scary toilet. Is the water of suitably soothing tepid temperature?
    I need some Hermes loveliness in my life!

    1. Yes the loo is a worry, and the joke is on me as have just noticed our loo is Gerberit, like the one in the ad..I don't think it has that squirty thing but to be on the safe side I shall from now on only use the loo when I am out...

  2. When I went to Australia, way back in 2003, we had a stopover in Japan. Our hotel room had one of these toilets. I still remember the dulcet tones of my friend saying "'ere Jan, come and have a look at this loo!". It had 3 settings?! and the lid closed when you were, ehem, finished. Thankfully I am still here to tell the tale. Jan :)

  3. you are a very brave lady Jan, thank you for sharing that story of tremendous courage in the face of worrying toileting arrangments.

  4. Ah Blighty, rumours of your capture by the taliban as a head scarf consultant are not true then.
    I too had a bit of an experience in Japan which has left me with a permanent phobia of toilets, and a few scars on the top of my head from hurling myself off old faithful and into the toilet roll holder on the wall.
    I have missed you.

    1. Dear Wally I am so pleased to hear from you ( Grandma Whacker remains your no 1 fan). And pray tell, what is up with your blog? Surely not head scarves too?

  5. Too funny and true about the scarf - looks like scandiair meets ikea!

    1. Yes but I remain convinced that I can make it work - what if I dress all in yellow, then I can pretend I work for the Fyffes banana company??

  6. Dear Mrs Blighty, When I was a tiny child (last century), we had drop loos at school and they were terrifying and horrid. Things did not get better when we encountered squat loos in Asia and I was and remain intrigued by the shelf arrangement common to the German loo. I suspect that what the people of one culture considers perfectly ordinary presents almost insurmountable alarm to people of others. love Lindaxxx

    1. Dear Linda, thank you for your concise yet masterful analysis of worldwide toileting facilities; I have always thought German loos very weird. xxx


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