Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
cannot guarantee nut-free

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Eggscentric art

Hello Dahlings!  It's been a while since I put a pic of gorgeous old moi on the blog, so thought I would remedy this tout de suite.

Well, I have to report that Boys 1 and 2 are once again on hols from that august country club with side order of lessons, otherwise know as Daphnes4Boy$ (you will recall that it was recently rebranded to encompass the dollar sign, to make clear its commitment to accepting all hard currencies and to make it more down with the boys, yo etc.).

Boy 2 went in on the last day of term armed with a hardboiled egg, apparently required for Easter egg decorating that day.  It looked like this.

Imagine how impressed I was when he came home with this.

With this inside.

Yes, a completely undecorated egg.


Don't you see?  That school is DOES NOT MISS A TRICK. It has cunningly turned Boy 2 into a Britart Damien Hirst type.  His finished egg is a brilliant artistic conceit,  an insightful post-modernist comment on the entire bourgeois egg decorating Zeitgeist, quietly devastating in its ironic banality.

Indeed, in reviewing "Egg" by Boy 2, the art critic for the Independent said it was "a brilliant artistic conceit, an insightful post-modernist comment on the entire bourgeois egg decorating Zeitgeist, quietly devastating in its ironic banality."

In short, Kerching (sound of cash registers merrily chirping): we all know how much old Damien got for his bits.  And you know how his shark had to be replaced as the original one started to go a bit off? Well, I feel sure that quite soon Boy 2's egg is going to start ponging too.  But no worries, I can just whip down to Tescos and get another (half dozen).

 I have received a number of comments on the photo of moi above, expressing the view that I have had some work done on my face.  I would like to make it clear that, although I have in the past used Botox, I have stopped.  I did not like the way it made my face look, it made it impossible for me to frown and I once hiccuped and almost popped out an eyeball.  As a woman  crazed marsupial I embrace the expression lines that living life to the full brings,  and to prove it, here are photos of me 10 years ago and today.  I have also never had hair extensions.
In 2011
In 2001

Any rumours that I have had a tail tuck or lift are totally unfounded too.


  1. I do wonder how you keep your eyes so marvelously large.

  2. You nut! You should be writing a satirical column for the Times.

  3. You haven't aged a bit. What sort of moisturiser do you use?

  4. You could cash in on Boy 1 and 2's bedrooms. Leave them unattended for a week or two and you could put the contents into the Tate Modern a la Tracy Emin.
    You're looking very perky or your age. Do you count the ring tails to get an accurate picture?

  5. That egg art really spoke to my subconcious self as all great art should do. Also loving the mai tai-like scarf styles.

  6. Now you tell me this has been just botox?! Come on :-D

    On first sight I thought the wig was a reference to prince W.
    I would love to have a bit of the pre-wedding insanity around here. But wait, you did not mention it with a word. The egg must have been

  7. You say you've had no work Blighty, but I can see a marked difference in the dimensions of your face. I know it's impolite to notice these things but you don't resemble your old self at all. Please give up your secrets!

    Your son's interpretation of eggistential art is surely scholarship material. What an enlightened boy!

  8. Oh dear Blights, why was the egg not decorated? Having worked in the education field I have my own theories. Agree about the school fees my dear, you would think Daph's could cough up and at least purchase the blessed eggs and boil them in the staffroom.

    Fabulous blonde do happening on your crown dahling.

  9. I'm wondering, Blighty, do you favour the surface wash or have you braved the washing machine yet? Sonshine has a very large rabbit that comes everywhere with us and he is, frankly, grubby. The rabbit, that is. I am afraid to wash him in case he loses his essential 'Big Bunniness'. Or an eye.

    The egg is a superior bit of post-modern expressionism whereby Cash Centre 2 has expressed his angst about Easter and the commercialisation of this religious event. By leaving his egg au natural, he shows us that we have lost touch with our land, our ancestry and our decorating pens.

    *David Starkey face*

    Ali xxx

  10. Alison, loved your comment! Love Cash Centre 2 - brilliant, may try to steal that one! Love the whole David Starkey tone you have got going on there too - superior BS! hope all well with you and your new appliance - calm down ladies, it's a KitchenAid xxx

  11. Paula - you mentioned The Smiths the other day, yes I know them and Mr B was a big fan back in the day. He knows the words to lots of those depressing songs, old Morissey is not exactly Mr Sunshine is he? (last night I dreamt someone loved me, drone , drone etc etc heavens knows I'm miserable now, drone drone). But I do like the songs, they are funny and quirky, and Mr B can hold forth at length at the superior guitar and songwriting skills of Johnny Marr - without whom The Smiths would have been nothing ...

    The Moerks - I use mainly lard, or sometimes WD40, xx

  12. I did think that you may have had a face lift or at least an eye lift since you look so wildly alert. But I see you were just born with a look of unnatural surprise and highly dilated pupils (you should have that looked at by a professional).

    The egg coloring thing - just too funny. I agree with Deb - comment #2 - that you should have your own column!

  13. Are you sure you are not one of these folks that when asked for a photo of themselves digs up one from 10 years ago. (I've been guilty of that myself!!)

  14. Brilliantly funny Blighty, had me in tears! X

  15. Hello dear! Do you wear coloured contacts? Your eyes look so blue!

    Your son's eggsistential artwork is amazing - people sneer, but they don't realise that these things are YEARS in the concept state.

    I love the Smiths too, and its my fave sing-along CD in the car - must remember to close the windows!

  16. Hey Blights,
    I've re-emerged from my backfired backup backwards bother finally. Thanks for being so patient with me, I got so backdrawn I even missed some blighty posts - that is the first time ever for me. Started to respond to boy 2 art and ...... oh bother, no dictionary here in bed, super bullshit big words enabling me to show off with crazy academic sounding artspeak is impossible for me without a) stealing it from an art review, b) making my pololo write it for me, o r c) spending mangy hours combing the dictionary.
    Also the Brain is on maximum 10% power (sad, because 100% hardly sets the world on fire) at the moment so saving myself for your next post.

  17. You guys crack me up! Geddit?

    Sorry . . . just trying to keep to the theme of ironic banality. In other news, will there be a photo of the sports master in his shorts when school returns or is it the "off-season'' up there?

  18. Dear Mrs Blighty, I have tried to write you a comment but my iPhone kept going bung. Hopefully, the third time will be a charm. I have often thought a lot of modern art was a tease with the 'artists' laughing all the way to the bank. Are you sure that this isn't a more elaborate form of a tease for which your school account will be charged? I can imagine the arts teachers chortling into their flutes of Dom Perignon at morning tea at the thought of all those mums frantically boiling eggs ten minutes after they should have left for school. Love your new piccies. I often feel my brows lifting when I hear the school mums here talking about their tummy tucks, brow lifts etc. Given your stance against 'getting work done' you would be scandalised!! Lindaxxx

  19. I had to flick between the before and after egg shots before I knew for sure ... It seems that along on Damien Hirst artistic expression, Boy 2 has also 'redecorated' the original egg carton frame. Or perhaps a swap occurred??


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