From: BledwinaBlighty@wheretheheckaremyreadingglasses.com
Dear Wildlife Trust,
I would like your help in identifying a strange new creature which I spotted emerging from our bathroom this morning. I am pretty sure it is a mammal, though it does has some reptilian features, in particular its ability not to blink when asked if it has cleaned its teeth.
It may be a member of the porcupine family, or possibly hedgehog. It seems to have some sort of spikes.
It has been making a couple of interesting noises: yesterday it emitted sounds along the lines of "muuuuuuumcannaIhavsomehairgel" a strange, unnerving refrain. Today when approached it let out a harsh cry:"DONTOUCHDAHAIR!"
The creature also seems to be leaving a sticky trail ....which can be traced back to a pot labelled "Beachy Surf Dude".
I attach a visual.
I eagerly await your reply, as do not know whether to feed this creature as it lies on the sofa or chase it outside for a good run around the garden.
Regards
Mrs Blighty
Email to: BledwinaBlighty@wheretheheckaremyreadingglasses.com
From: WildlifeTrustIdentifyThatCritter@beetle.com
Dear Mrs Blighty,
From your description and the photo it seems what you are dealing with is homo sapiens pre teenagius : Pre Teen Boy. This subspecies is fairly common in the British Isles. Eventually a fully fledged teenager will take its place, turn day into night and leave half eaten bowls of cereal under its bed.
In the meantime, to ensure your PTB thrives, try to limit the amount of commerical TV it watches - these complex creatures are highly susceptible to ads for hairgel, bodyspray and other grrooming products. Make sure its drainpipe jeans do not cut off its circulation. Never under any circumstances ask if it needs a wee.
Finally, if the hairgel situation gets out of control, warn your PTB that he looks like he is evolving into a dangerous mutation: the justinus bieberus. That usually does the trick.
Regards
Bill Bored
Oh dear. Buck up Blighty, hard times are a comin'.
ReplyDeleteThis is hysterical Blighty! I love the response, especially the bit about not asking if it needs a wee! :)
ReplyDeletewhat deb said. 100x's.
ReplyDeletei hope that 1/2 eaten cereal bowls are all you find under their beds.:)
xo
Oh, Blighty. We are just coming out of the other side with a college junior and a 16-year-old at home this summer. The main difference between the preteen years and the teen years is that nothing is ever left half eaten. Everything is gobbled up in its entirety, and then followed by a bowl of cereal, chased by a dish of ice cream.
ReplyDeleteHow about Boy 2? Does he have PTB?
ReplyDeleteThe justinus biebitis works a treat in our house especially when female PBT are getting a little precocious.
ReplyDeleteHas he discovered spray on deodorants yet? You know the ones that are highly scented and leave the house in a fog of asthma inducing clouds of chemicals?
ReplyDeleteNow that phase is fun!
xx
Dear Blighty - ohh he looks so sweet (prob. shouldn't say that, should I!) - I love boys at that age! He's done it awfully well actually - he should do a video on your YouTube channel! xxx
ReplyDeleteLove this post - my 8 year old son has just had a new hairstyle and all I get is " not the hair" whenever we get too close. Sounds like I have lots to look forward too.
ReplyDeleteOur 8 year old could do with a bit of hair maintenance. His look is very definately on the wild side. I did spy him wetting it down a bit the other day, so I suppose even he has limits.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. I have fallen foul of the 'never ask if it needs a wee' scenario in my time. Not recommended! I suggest you stock up on the cereal for PTB, and the gin for yourself.
ReplyDeleteDear Mrs Blighty, We were just at the zoo yesterday and would not have been surprised to have spotted your exotic specimen in one of the aviaries! You made me think of Brylcream and then that took me to pomades which, I am reliably informed, used to be made from of all manner of unguents including bear fat and lard. Do you think there is something atavistic awakened at puberty in the hearts of young males that compels them to smear their hair in pseudo animal fats? Anyway, I laughed when I read that a favourite with teenage US boys up to the 1960s rejoiced in the name of Dixie Peach Hair Pomade. I can only imagine how popular this brand would be with the preteen fashion cognoscenti of today! love Lindaxxx
ReplyDelete