Dear Wildlife Trust,
I would like your help in identifying a strange new creature which I spotted emerging from our bathroom this morning. I am pretty sure it is a mammal, though it does has some reptilian features, in particular its ability not to blink when asked if it has cleaned its teeth.
It may be a member of the porcupine family, or possibly hedgehog. It seems to have some sort of spikes.
It has been making a couple of interesting noises: yesterday it emitted sounds along the lines of "muuuuuuumcannaIhavsomehairgel" a strange, unnerving refrain. Today when approached it let out a harsh cry:"DONTOUCHDAHAIR!"
The creature also seems to be leaving a sticky trail ....which can be traced back to a pot labelled "Beachy Surf Dude".
I attach a visual.
I eagerly await your reply, as do not know whether to feed this creature as it lies on the sofa or chase it outside for a good run around the garden.
Email to: BledwinaBlighty@wheretheheckaremyreadingglasses.com
Dear Mrs Blighty,
From your description and the photo it seems what you are dealing with is homo sapiens pre teenagius : Pre Teen Boy. This subspecies is fairly common in the British Isles. Eventually a fully fledged teenager will take its place, turn day into night and leave half eaten bowls of cereal under its bed.
In the meantime, to ensure your PTB thrives, try to limit the amount of commerical TV it watches - these complex creatures are highly susceptible to ads for hairgel, bodyspray and other grrooming products. Make sure its drainpipe jeans do not cut off its circulation. Never under any circumstances ask if it needs a wee.
Finally, if the hairgel situation gets out of control, warn your PTB that he looks like he is evolving into a dangerous mutation: the justinus bieberus. That usually does the trick.