"Holy Crap!" gasped Anastasia, "That's just enormous....huge...!!!"
"And all for you Anastasia, " growled Christian Blighty, charismatic, damaged and dangerous - the sort of Top Executive parliamentary draftsman that knew his way round semi-colons...a guy who put syncopation in his punctuation.
Anastasia's Inner Goddess did an exotic pole dance, before putting her back out and having to be helped to her seat.
Yes, it was truly the biggest pile of unsorted socks Anastasia had ever seen.
"And now", said Christian Blighty, "I am going to take you to the White Room of Pain..."
"Oh no, not the utility room," groaned AnagoshthisnameislongcanIjustcallherNasty?, her Inner Goddess breaking wind gently and lighting up a fag.
"Yes," was Christian's masterful reply. "And there you will do something you have never done before.. you will sort the socks into pairs and put them away in your drawers... yes, there you have it, it's my tremendous Sox Appeal.."
Yep, dahlings, almost everyone I know has read or is reading Those Books*. Except me. I am resisting, out of sheer contrariness...I just enjoy reading reviews of them and listening to other mothers discussing them:
"I was up to 3am reading it."
"Some of those things are just not physically possible."
"I told my husband I was off to bed to read it - when he joined me ever hopeful, I was fast asleep with my reading glasses on."
"Mrs Blighty, sorry but you can't stand here with us, you have to go stand over there with the other people who have not read it; yes, Mr Pinkerton, the retired headmaster, oh, wait a minute, he's read it now too.."
A friend even updated her Facebook page with"It's all coming to an end with Mr Grey."
And when I looked at Grain de Musc the perfume blog of Denyse Beaulieu, I found that she is currently working on the French translation of 50 Shades ....it's everywhere I turn!
I suspect my refusal to join the Greyfest is largely motivated by jealousy - I wish I had penned a bestseller like this. Although any mommy porn I author is going to be less erotic and more idiotic. ...
"I want you now, here, in the escalator," demanded Christian urgently.
"Are you sure? "
"Yes, there is just something about escalators."
"No, I mean, don't you mean "elevator" not "escalator"?" queried Anaethesia, breathlessly; "We don't want to get anything caught in the moving parts and the other shoppers might not like it.."
"You damn bourgeois fool you," blazed Christian, as they arrived at Home Furnishings.
* 50 Socks Of Grey
Paddington Bear At Large
Grey Underpants In My Sink
Gee, you could write a novel! I'm not reading it(them)either. I'll be waiting to see you in print one of these days.
ReplyDeleteDid I tell you I'm going to Paris??? Did I???
I much prefer the Blighty interpretation. Those books are fifty shades of terrible.
ReplyDeleteHilarious re-interpretation!!
ReplyDeleteI laughed so hard at this Blighty as I can relate to being the only person on the face of the planet not to have read these. I swear I know the plot line(?) now anyway. I may read them one day and have nothing against those that have (let's face it, I'd have no friends if that was the case!), but for now I am happy to resist the monochromatic lure of Mr Grey.
ReplyDeleteBlight, you and me both - I'd rather die than read something called 'mummy porn' - so insulting. If I ever feel the need I'm going straight to the unacceptable hard stuff, pref. with a brown paper cover and threat of imminent prosecution (does that still happen?).
ReplyDeleteActually, I prob. would read it if it were Scandinavian and everyone was having a miserable time, but in the mean time I'd much rather read your sock saga. xxx
Bear with me, this is a long one. This was sent to me by a friend. Frankston is a suburb of Melbourne of dubious repute.
ReplyDelete"Even though he only had one tattoo I yearned for him to fill the lonely hours between Jerry Springer and Days of our Lives. As he approached me with his pasty white arms hanging out of his Nike vest, his smile told me it was dole day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lampshade tonight. As I stood in the line at the job centre thi...nk...ing of reasons I couldn't work a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, sweat and Lynx Africa! I turned and there he was DWAYNE
With his pants halfway down his arse, our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bin behind woolworths. He had already tied his staffie to a post in the alley way so we would not be disturbed.There was a tramp watching but it did not bother us, just added to the mystery.I knew this was love and my life would never be the same agian. I made a promise to him there and then that I would buy him a plasma with the baby bonus.
ReplyDeleteLOVE this version too!!
DeleteDitto! Fabulous!
DeleteThank you for this! Hilarious!
DeleteBlighty, you are the funniest person I know. And honestly, your version was far hotter and steamier than the original. Or perhaps the socks spent too long in the drier??
ReplyDeleteK xx
Yay, someone else hasn't read them either! I too have no intention of reading them...just don't think they're my cup of tea. But I would read your Fifty Socks of Grey anytime!!
ReplyDeleteGlad to see someone else is shamelessly taking inspiration from the Fifty Shades of Shite books on her blog! I think you have spotted a chink in the market.
ReplyDeleteDear Mrs Blighty, One certainly receives an education reading your blog! I too was ignorant of this series of books - however thanks to wiki, I now know more than I needed to, including that 'critcal reception of this novel has been mixed' - faint praise indeed. It sort of reminds me of 9 1/2 Weeks, the movie with Mickey Rourke before he decided to destroy himself. I don't get it - what is wrong with a lovely man without any odd fetishes (including sock ones) who is happy to sit companionably on the couch with his beloved in front of the tele, having done the washing up, put a load of washing on, vaccuumed the bedrooms, cleaned the bathroom (taking special pride in a sparkling loo), helped the kids with their homework and got them into bed (after having located their gym gear for the next day) and sorted the tax, I ask you? I am feeling a little faint... love Lindaxxx
ReplyDeleteAdd me to the list of those ladies who are yet to venture (if ever) into the realms of 50 shades. I mean seriously how can any book top 'Valley of the Dolls' which I read as a young 20 somethingorother. Now that's a good read.
ReplyDeleteWhen will you write a book Blights?
xx
Add me to the list of those not interested in cruddy Fiction, best-selling or not
ReplyDeleteyet another satire (satyr)
http://ramp.ie/index.php/comedy/fifty-shades-shite/
From now on I am going to call my laundry "the White Room of Pain".
ReplyDeleteMe too!! :)
DeleteBrill
ReplyDeleteNot read it either, Blighty. Am also resisting reading it because I don't like paying money for a book that I am pretty sure that I won't like. Even to laugh at.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I'm jealous as all hell.
Although I rather like your version with the socks and the escalators :-D
Ali x
I much prefer your sock porn. I am thinking about creating a dating agency for socks. I now have a database of singles that are desperate for attachment, maybe a bit of love and a whole lot of stuffing. ooh er!
ReplyDeleteVery good article. Congratulations.
ReplyDeleteAnother one here not bothered about reading it - too many better things to do right?!
ReplyDeletewww.mstylepicturebook.blogspot.com
funny!
ReplyDeletehttp://redlemonade.blogspot.ie/2012/06/fifty-shades-of-tedious-fuckery-vol-1.html
twitter
ReplyDelete@50ShedsofGrey
Good to knowo there are other refuseniks besides me...much prefer your version anyway. Oooh, parliamentary draftsmen...they always get me hot under the collar.....
ReplyDeleteI've been contrary too! (and have enjoyed reading all the commentary about it). And so couldn't resist buying the book I found at the op-shop the other day: "48 Shades of Brown"! (have no idea what it's about - I just wanted to cement my contrariness)
ReplyDeleteLou this is by a Brisbane writer Nick Earls I think...he was popular here for a bit...you should read his first one, Zigzag St, it was quite good I seem to remember.
DeleteI haven't read it either,and don't think I ever will. I'm just not that interested!
ReplyDeleteJacqueline
Bahaha! I'm not reading it either, so dreaders! You are too funny Blighty!
ReplyDeleteHello! I miss you! Love my presents!!! Thankyou! You have met the whole fan 'kept my dad!
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile did you see Rosie Pearson's Asthall in Tatler!!! Can ou believe its almost 2 years!
Oh My xxxxx
Blighty, this is my first visit here and I am so grateful to know I am not alone in despising the greys. I will not read something because it is on fifty lines of shelves in the front of Target. But you have given me an unseemly urge to fold sox!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, refuse to read such badly-written drivel (mind you, author is laughing all the way to the bank). Prefer to follow Sheds of Grey on Twitter.
ReplyDeleteI made a very rushed One Click purchase on Amazon ... no idea what I was buying just needed a book for a journey ... bit of a surprise by chapter 3! AWFUL book! Extremely worrying that women are finding ideas of submission so appealing and don't get me started on the writing style! Much prefer 50 Sheds of Grey!
ReplyDelete