Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
cannot guarantee nut-free

Wednesday, 22 February 2012


Need your windows cleaned, love? Pic from Vogue on-line


Things are not going smoothly at Blighty HQ and I am officially Grumped Up Bigtime (GUB).  Details as follows:
Gary and his very pretty wife, from TNT magazine
  1. My idyll with Gary Barlow is Over.  He has just announced he is expecting his 4th child with his very pretty, slim, blonde wife.  Wail - he told me he was sleeping in the spare room!  Linda in Chile - I need Daniel Craig back now, just dust him down and post him to me.  Note to Gary's lawyers:  I have never actually even met Gary, these are just the musings of a woman suffering from a midlife crisis, and I can produce a medical certificate to prove it (receipt from TopShop for leatherette leggings).  On the bright side, Gary is still working really well as punishment for Boys 1 and 2 - after a violent, sweary tussle over a hockey stick, I played Gary's very lovely rendition of "A Million Love Songs" in the car this morning and Boy 1 moaned piteously that his ears were bleeding.  By the way, why do Daphnes4Boyz think hockey is a good idea, surely arming them with wooden sticks is an incitement to riot?  Have we learnt nothing from the Peasants' Revolt?
  2. Grandma Whacker is in residence again and has been continuing what can only be described as a vendetta against my window cleaners.  A few months ago during a previous Blighty HQ minibreak, Grandma Whacker sacked the cleaners while I was out.  This led to Domestic Tension: Mr B saying to me testily, " Will you please ask YOUR mother to stop sacking MY window cleaners. And you can tell her to get up on the roof herself and clean the skylight." (The last bit was really unfair as Grandma is over 80 and  not as agile as she was and so I would have to give her a leg up, which would strain my back..)  I managed to get the cleaners back by grovelling and having to hear for the 100th time that they clean Sophie Dahl's windows.  Well, history has repeated itself - a couple of days ago while I was out, the window guys came and the Big G "supervised" them. They have also put their prices up. They have not been back to get paid so I assume they have Got the Hump and I will no doubt have to grovel/hear about Sophie D.  But just yesterday Madame Whacker mentioned they did not have their hose attachment thingie...further enquiries have now revealved that these guys were not actually my window cleaners at all, which explains the unexpected price transpires that the Whacker has surpassed herself, she is now sacking window cleaners who aren't even my window cleaners.  Final score:  The Association of Fenestration Hygiene Technicians - 0; Grandma Whacker - 2.
  3. Before Christmas, with guests coming, I went full speed into decluttering, re-purposing and minimalism - I read a lot of those blogs!!  Now every time anyone goes in the garage there is an almighty crash as they fall over all the stuff I have stashed away there, and in the house no one, including me, can find a darn thing.  Grandma has taken it as a personal affront, she suspects I am trying to pull off a Fanny By Gaslight number to make her think she is getting a bit vague with age...
  4. Boy 2 was strongly advised not to take his brand new Warhammer figues to school as he would lose them. Boy 2 took his Warhammer figues to school.  Boy 2 has now lost his Warhammer figures.  Last night I found myself deep undercover SAS style dressed all in black including balaclava in the boys changing rooms searching for the missing Warhammer, without success.  Parents are strictly forbidden from entering the changing rooms for child protection reasons so now I will probably be on some sort of register. Super.  In my view, boys should be strictly forbidden from taking Warhammer to school for child protection reasons.
  5. Boy 1 came home from Dahpnes4Boyz yesterday and informed me he has lost his trousers and his games shorts.  Is loss of garments from these regions a worrying sign? Don't worry, he still had his white PE shorts which he came home in.
  6. Boys 1 and 2 have given me to understand in no uncertain terms (by wailing and shouting) that Daphnes4Boyz is putting them under unbearable academic pressure and that the homework demands are excessive.  They have also told me I do nothing at all all day except think about Gary Barlow and nail varnish and have loads of fun prancing about the supermarket. I find this a bit dismissive of my contribution to Blighty Inc, as there is lipstick to think about too.  But when I suggest that perhaps I might get a job OUTSIDE THE HOME Boy 2 bursts into floods of tears and has to be consoled by his (lazy, stay at home doing nothing) mother...
  7. Boy 1's  Science homework is getting too biological for my liking.  I can cope with plant cells but his homework last night seemed to focus rather a lot on, ahem, sperm.  Boy 1 said he would love to see some sperm with their wiggly tails - I was sooo tempted to quip about "wait till you are fourteen and then ....
  8. I just managed to delete this entire post and have just re-typed it...aaaaaaaaaaaaggggggh!

From Wikipedia.  Government Health Warning: this sort of thing can cause excessive expenditure on Warhammer

I leave you with action replay of Grandma cleaning the windows.


  1. I love the recount of your commando-style attempted retrieval of the Warhammer. They should pay you danger money instead of scrutinising your daytime productivity!

    1. Good point Siobhan, will bring it up at next Blighty Management Meeting

  2. How did we all get so stupid, and lazy. When Legend Jr's teacher asked him what his dad did for a living, he answered, "Not much." Somehow, all the chores in the house get done by magic. When Grandma Whacker is finished the windows, we have a few jobs on the top of a very long ladder we need doing. I'm too busy doing nothing.

  3. Hi Wally, but it really touched a nerve , I found myself justifying to a 9yr old what I do all day, really pathetic! I mean I know I do a lot of stuff, it's just so hard to describe it - e.g. spent 3.2mins on hold to insurance company ; wiped up half a pint of Lynx shower gel that had mysteriously leaked onto window sill; put away 14 pairs of boy pants etc etc ...Grandma is on her way over, get the red wine in.

  4. oh blights you are killing me with this post. so funny. i love your medical certification proof. my sons always told their friends i did nothing. honestly, they weren't far off.

  5. You are too funny. Does Grandma Whacker read your blog? I hope so. I used to threaten my girls with going back to work too. Loved the weeping and gnashing of teeth.

  6. Did you really type everything again ? Well.. thank you !!

  7. Hahahahahahahaha. Grandma Whacker. Hahahahahahahahaha. I blommin hate that when work deletes and there is re-typing to do!!!

  8. Love your blog Blighty. I think that I would love your mother as well. Your kids? - not so much!!!!

  9. Hello mrs blighty and thank you for the humorous posts. I have not visited in a while, say a week or so, imagine my surprise and delight to find not one not two but three new posts!
    Re previous post- I am secretly delighted to find a fellow Gary B fan! I was living in England when TT version one broke up and recall vividly that there was a crisis line for suicidal teens set up to cope with all the heartbroken. I bravely endured without resorting to it and have carried a torch for GB ever since. Loved the YouTube linky!
    Barb K
    ps love the blog but seldom comment as I sort of don't really know how. Inadvertently commented once via my hb's blog (found at victor). He was THRILLED that you had a look at it by the way, thank you!

  10. Dear commenters, blogger is messing about and won't let me repy individually to your comments, sorry! Don't worry, these technical issues will be resolved soon once I have sworn a bit and thumped the mouse around a bit...


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