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Friday, 18 February 2011

A Complete Clock Up And A Costume Drama - Chocolate Required Urgently

Hello Dahlings!  So much to tell, so little time!  (Ha, so little time, in fact no time at all, I crack myself up!)

Blighty HQ has been struck down by Systematic Clock Failure.

This clock does not work.

This clock does not work.

This clock does not work.  (Yes Mr B, I have tried putting in new batteries)

Even Mr B's trusty hi-tech Casio which updates using satellite signals beamed  down by little men on Mars (oh yes, I read the user manual  - see p.175. section 4a)  is Not Performing Properly.  This is his arrangement to top up its solar power panels.  Er, Mr B, that's the teabag jar you have used for propping up   - can I risk a cup of tea or will it jeopardize the important work of the European Space Agency (Buckinghamshire branch)?

AND - Boy 2 cheerfully informed me that he had lost his watch at school
BUT - his friend Clifton Perkins ( not his real name) found it for him on the astroturf
BUT THEN - watch later crunched in freak classroom collision scenario and now hands (of watch not of Boy 2) free floating so possibly time keeping not 100% accurate..

AND - my old Omega watch which I bought 100 years ago has also stopped working
AND - I took it to Omega shop in Regents Street Lundun
AND - they phoned and told me it needed "servicing" which would cost £250 - I kid you not - £250, has the world gone mad?  They could not tell me what wrong with watch but yes, 250 big ones would be needed.  I am going to contact Scotland Yard as I feel this is a watch hostage extortion type situation.  I want a SWAT team to storm that building and get my watch back.  I can always paint the hands to the correct time using my handy laundry marker pen.

But I think the Universe (the one that directs Faux Fuchsia to bake and me to buy nail polish) is trying to send a sign:

A Rolex is the answer.  Everything will continue to be Out of Alignment till I get a Rolex.
(Mr Blighty, how am I doing? Is this convincing? Oh well. it was worth a try).
As if I didn't already have enough of a crisis on my hands, Daphnes4Boyz, that excellent country club (with school attached) to which Boys 1 and 2 belong, has thrown me a curved ball re Boy 1's costume for the Tudor play.

I had already cobbled together this.

Then my lovely neighbour M ( hello M!) lent me this brilliant doublet - her grandmother used to organise pageants years ago and she has the most fabulous range of costumes - matador outfit anyone?

But then Daphnes4Boy$ (not a typo, they have just rebranded to make it clear that they are happy to be paid in US dollars, they have an Equal Opportunities Policy where hard currency is concerned) - sent me these instructions!

 Has the world gone mad?  Do they think I am some sort of 1950s housewife with nothing better to do than drink cocktails  tea and eye up the tennis instructor  Rolex website?   My clock calendar clearly says 1982 ( oh sh*t, not another clock gone!).  I have not got the skills to do advanced origami type dressmaking.
Plus, I have already got my outfit prepared BUT
it's a 1537 one, not 1538!  Oh the shame!  All the other boys will be in the latest fashion for 1538, Boy 1 will stand out like a sore thumb and be scarred for life.  The horror! Total crisis!

To take my mind off these trying events, I have now taken complaining letters to an all time low.
I'll leave you to read this.  And yes,  I did actually send it.

Must go now, might be time to get the boys from school. Or to get them to school. Whatever.


  1. Greetings, Blighty. Did you know? Clifton T Perkins is maximum security hospital to the criminally insane in Maryland, USA

  2. Blighty,

    There is so much out of sync at your house I think the only solution is to eat a big bag of Crunchies while picking out a new on! What other solution could there be? Does Rolex make wall clocks?

  3. Hello Margaret, nice to hear from you. I had no idea - how very apt that I should come up with that name! Spooky!

  4. I think the Universe is directing you to have a rolex. And crunchie bars.

  5. Oh my! Tomorrow there will be some poor customer service rep rolling on the floor of her office. If I were her, I'd send you two bags. Feel free to forward one to me where the clocks are all set ahead, but no one knows by how much.

  6. Blighty, it is clear to me that your clocks are suffering from a Severe Chronometer Infection by the name of Horologitis. This is serious stuff, and I am sorry to tell you that the purchase of a Rolex will not cure this scourge of the clock world. You must purchase a Swiss timepiece but it must be a Mondaine. This Mondaine will sharply pull the other clocks into line and you will soon have absolute precision in your household.

  7. Dear Mrs Blighty, Not having a reliable timepiece is a bummer - particularly when one has to pick children up a a different hour every school day and take them to all manner of activities, get them home, fed, homeworked, bathed and teeth brushed before 8:30 every night. Not having had to do this since early December I am dreading March particularly given the cheek of these really impertinent notes home - why not ask you to whip up a 1:100000 scale model of the Sistine Chapel overnight as well! I am gnashing my teeth in sympathy. The only thing to do, Mrs B, is to STRIKE. Put down your scissors and sewing needles until your demands for a Rolex are met.

  8. Imagine the nerve of them sending you an empty Crunchie packet!!! You make 'em pay Blighty.

    I agree that the world has gone completely barking mad! As for that financial institution they call a school allowing no artistic license whatsoever in the doublet department, well I NEVER! I say pretend you made the doublet anyway and they will think you're a legend and will never know the difference. It looks a thousand times better than I imagine a product of the "How To Cheat" section would!

  9. Dear Blighty
    We've not met. However I am a regular visitor, via Faux Fuchsia blog, whom I haven't met either, (isn't the internet grand for any anon. stalker like tendencies one might have) but I just have to say this post is, like so many, very funny. I deal regularly with complaints - if only posting chocolate to disgruntled litigants was an option to get them out of my intray and on with their lives.

    Keep blogging.



  10. Ok you have GOT to get your mitts on a ROLEX pronto Blights!!!!!

    I love that outfit on your son- too adorable.

    Meanwhile my secretary customised a barbie in My Image.

    Go look.

    Say hello to Mr Blights for me. I often think of the super wonderful time I spent with you and how kind you were. God we had FUN!!!

    I wish you lived locally. xxxxxxxxxxx

  11. Hello dahling, fabulous post as per usual with lots of content.
    Firstly, my advice re the Tudor instructions is to dismiss the first 3/4 of the instructions and proceed straight to the cheat section. Really the kids don't care what they are wearing as long as it looks remotely like the theme. Anyway thats been my experience.
    Every watch/clock/mobile phone in my house tells different times. Isn't this a normal state of affairs in all households?
    How absolutely mortifying to open a crunchy bar and find the packet empty. I would be very cross especially if no other chocolate was in the house.
    Good luck with the Rolex crusade Blights.

  12. pls post the reply re the empty crunchie wrapper Blights- no Englishman should have to experience this Horror in 2011.

    Yesterday I was reading the book We'll always have England you gave me and it made me laugh so much! x

  13. Gosh Blighty, just had a closer look at those instructions sent out by the school. They are priceless aren't they? I am wondering if the wet weather instructions are for the pupils or the parents. They must think you are a bunch of nongs if you don't know how to dress yourself on rainy days for a start, but the suggestion that you wear a bin liner and cut holes for your head and arms is hilarious. I would like to see photos of you all in this wonderful wet weather get-up.

  14. We have the exact same alarm clock, Blighty. But mine works.

    I have my heart set on a wind up watch that costs £300 that Tertarus simply will not cough up the cash for.

    However, I found myself seriously contemplating the £14.99 BIG NUMBERS watch in the Mail on Sunday this morning because it doesn't matter whether it's a Timex or a Rolex, if you can't make out the numbers, its a waste of TIME.

    I think the doublet is marvellous. Just a pair of thick tights and a cod-piece and they're sorted.


  15. The dilemma of the clock - they all stop at once don't they? My alarm clock keeps time okay but the alarm is now silent. How useful is that? I have to guess what time to wake up?? If your broken timepieces aren't enough to convince Mr B you have to have a Rolex, I don't know what will. Do Rolex make alarm clocks perchance?

    I'd be consulting the king of the codpiece on those costumes - Jean-Paul Gaultier. He'd know what's what and I'm sure Daphnez4Boy$ would be able to afford his consulting fees for the school play. Just divert some funds from the under pitch heating of the polo field and Bob's your aunty's husband. Or as Sooty and Sweep would say: easy peasy lemon squeezy.

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