Not suitable for people with irony deficiency and
cannot guarantee nut-free

Saturday, 31 May 2014

De Retour *

Right dahlings, listen up, haven't got much time before I meet Liz Hurley for lunch/zoom round Tescos etc.

Basically, it's been constant glamour and loveliness here: one very naughty dog, gallons of  mud, one chewed up sofa, two pre-teen/teen boys ("But I had a shower yesterday!"), me and my increasing resemblance to the love child of Norma Desmond and Blanche Dubois and  Mr B, trudging bravely on amid the chaos, hoping for a nice quiet cup of tea and a browse of the Hayter lawnmower catalogue.

Here are some visual aids:

Monty dog the Border terrier as a pup

Monty dog as he is now.

He is IN DISGRACE as, to celebrate  the very first night of our new kitchen floor*, he (stop reading now if you are of a delicate disposition) wee'd on it....and in a most cunning manner: having carefully studied the lay of the land, he chose a spot where almost all evidence ran away UNDER the fridge/freezer.  Nothing says glamour like crouching down shoving a dusting stick thingie under the fridge at 7am shouting, "Actually I hope it is wee, otherwise the freezer is leaking!"

Further visuals:

Mud as experienced as new dog owner during the wettest winter ever.

Bluebells in the woods.

Me grinning like a maniac, with 2 hours worth of make up and special lighting from the film studio (Norma, I told you)  in the lovely MaiTai's collage of ladies wearing their Hermes. Yes, I have caught Scarflet Fever,  a seriously bad dose...

Now, it's not all glamour round here, no, we also nurture ourselves intellectually and culturally:  I have a met a lovely lady while dog walking, she also has a Border Terrier, Maggie (she views Monty with cautious disdain, as he rolls in unspeakable substances or steals other dogs' toys).  Here is a visual of Monty and Maggie, he has a wolfish Jack Nicholson grin as he has finally managed to lure a girl back to his place:

Maggie's owner is not only a Border terrier wrangler, a practising psychologist and mother of two boys but also a newly published author of a thriller.  How impressive is that?  I have read it and it is fab, it had me totally gripped:

Scene  - the kitchen, one night, late
Mr B: What are these meatballs doing here?
Me: (head in book, totally absorbed) They are de-frosting
Mr B (sounding anxious): So shall I just leave them there?
Me: Mmmm, what ? yes.
 Mr B:  (hovering) But will they be ok, they are not in the fridge?
Me: (in ever so slightly exasperated tone): Yeah, they'll be fine
Mr B: But ....
Mr B: ok, ok, I was only asking..

Yes, it's the sort of book you can't stop reading, and any interruptions cause resentment possibly followed by violence..

As a bonus, the thriller is partly set in our corner of the world in Buckinghamshire and there is even a passing shout-out to our local Tesco, what more can one want?

Now, to celebrate  compensate for my return to blogging, I am proposing a GIVEAWAY of a SIGNED copy of this book.  All you need to do is
 a) follow my blog and
 b) leave a comment below headed GIVE ME A FREE BOOK, telling me your most recent high glamour moment (either real glamour or my version of "dog wee under fridge"glamour).

All "entries" for the book giveaway should be made by 30 June, I will then write names of all entrants on pieces of paper and see which piece Monty dog tries to eat....that's definitely fair! Of course, if he manages to eat the paper completely we may have to wait a day or so before we get the result...anyone disputing the judge's decision can come and examine the results themselves.

Right, there are strange noises coming from the kitchen, think Monty Dog might be making further improvements to the kitchen floor.

* Pretentious, comme toujours
** Monty Dog ate chunks of the original floor

It was not me...also I appear to have turned into an Ewok thingie from Star Wars


  1. Oh my god that last photo made me laugh out loud!

    And if you are up to send the book to the US, I'm in, but I totally understand if you do not as it is a royal pain. I will cheer from the sidelines.

    1. Dear LPC, the floating comment from me below was meant for you - note to self, never try to communicate before cup of tea in the morning

  2. So pleased you are in touch with Liz Hurley, Blighty. I for one have never forgotten the hilarity of your post when Liz became the target of the affections of Australia's own Warnie... who has sadly moved on to another...Those two were excellent entertainment value. But I digress, great post, love the Jack Nicholson pic of Monty who is obviously a dog to be reckoned with. Oh, nearly forgot:
    GIVE ME A FREE BOOK: my glamour this week reached new heights with my new silver earrings made from recycled coffee machine pod thingys.

    1. Yes I really enjoyed the Warnie era but it was scary how he got all tidied up and trim, did not look like him anymore...Liz was obviously engaging in some serious manscaping. Thanks for entering the giveaway, love the sound of the earrings, maybe I could try the same with tea bags?

  3. How can a dog be evil and cute at the same time? You are def in the book give away, it's a cracking read. xxx

  4. Dear Mrs B, I would like to enter your book giveaway (I'll take the dog too if it's on offer). Thank you. x

    1. Yay Sally! Thank you. Dog on his way. xx

  5. GIVE ME A FREE BOOK : My glamour this week is not a moment but a look. Thanks to an intrepid rural reporter on Willsfield, my 'watching boys 1 & 2 play cricket on Willsfield look' now includes very thick tights , long wellington boots and a kitchen broom ( no axes to hand ) to bash any snakes on the head.

  6. Dear AnonIKnowWhoYou Are, thanks very much for entering the give away! I very much like the sound of your cricket watchin outfit particularly the broom, very fetching. I am pleased to report that no snaks were sighted on this mornings walk, only one over excited terrier and a confused middle aged woman (oh, that would be me and Monty)

  7. Oo, I love a good book (Him indoors often wonders why I need yet another one, as I have hundreds to read, but hey, it's cheaper than shoes I tell him). GIVE ME A FREE BOOK - I'm can't do glamour, the closest I've come is a Tesco bag as a bonnet de douche (Rodney) on the head when I can't find the proper cap... Jan. PS so GLAD to see you back, you do make me laugh.

    1. Dear Jan, thank you for your comment and for entering the book give away. Good work with the shower hat, love it! I suppose to up the glamour stakes one could use a Waitrose bag instead?

  8. I would love to be in the giveaway if you wouldn't mind!

  9. GIVE ME A FREE BOOK - too much on to be glamorous, too tired to be funny (hope the giveaway is names out of a hat!). But would love to escape in a good thriller.

    So pleased your blog is back - makes me feel so much better that Zinzan's only real bad habits are eating walls and over enthusiasm with his dog friends.

  10. GIVE ME A FREE BOOK please. My glamour moment of the week would be - having my grandsons 1st birthday party at my house. Woke up to rain in the morning ???? do I really need 40 people, babies children and parents in my house. Luckily the sun came out so they were escorted directly to the back garden. I was drowning in sandwiches, scones, jam tarts, cakes and happy birthday singing babies and children. Reprieve came in the form of an evening BBQ and of course a few glasses of wine. So pleased I survived. Phew!!!

    1. Well done Cuz, you are in the give away! Glad you did not sink under all the singing babies and jam tarts, bet Gorgeous Grandson had a great timexxx

  11. Dear Mrs Blighty
    GIVE ME A FREE BOOK, I could do with a good new thriller. One reads everything and then taps impatiently on tables for the authors to get the next books out. My life is sadly devoid of Glamour at present. But, being back on hols from Addis, we kind of think that trips to the supermarket are almost too exciting! Possibly will wear jewels and sequins next time we go! love Lindaxxx

    1. Linda, I can hardly keep up with the pace of your comments! you are in the draw for the book. Definitely go with sequins for the supmarket xx

  12. GIVE ME A FREE BOOK: So my "glamour" moment of the week has just occurred... here I am at work pretending to be grown-up and efficient and glamorous, and I root around in my very large and expensive Longchamp handbag and discover that the bottom is full of... dog training treats. Oops. The packet must have spilled when I was at puppy training class with Waggy Aggie this week. Explains where the slightly odd chickeny smell was coming from, anyway. Ah well: back to drafting.
    Mrs Espresso xx

    1. Dear Mrs Espresso, thank you so much for your very amusing comment, good work with the dog treats, always good to accessorise your designer handbag with chickeny smell xx


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